You know what’s strange about catching a simple cold? The fact that my body tries its hardest to convince the germs that it’s a bad real estate investment – too much of a fixer-upper to bother staying. And, of course, every single time, the cold decides it’s too good a deal to pass up.
What this means is that I actually feel worse when my body is fighting it off than when it gives up and lets the cold run its course. That’s not true when I catch something truly shitty like the flu or strep throat, but a simple cold leads to what seems like an overreacting freak-out.
Simple Cold Germs: Can we stay here a couple of days?
My body: Set the place on fire!
SCG: Seriously, it’s just three days or so.. Maybe a runny nose, some fatigue, but for the most part, you’ll still be funcional.
My body: NO! Antibodies – start rapidly stabbing the throat and neck area, everyone to the lower back – jump up and down on the spine, alternate rapidly between freezing and burning up. Make this place unhospitable!
SCG: You guys, there’s no need to do all this, we just need to crash a couple of days, it won’t be that bad.
My body: Turn her inside out! Make her feel like she’s going to have to be replaced with bionic parts!
SCG: How can a female body be such a dick hole? Why won’t you just let us hang out? We’ll leave when we find a new place.
My body: Ugh…so…tired…from…overreacting…don’t have a choice…must let cold stay.
SCG: Why? Why was that so hard? Now she’ll feel sick for five days instead of three. Where’s your bathroom?
My body: Up in the face near the nose.
I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. No, I didn’t study Biology, I majored in English, why do you ask?