Sometimes my “Imagination” is Staggering

I’m a pretty rational person. But I also like to over-think things, roll them over and over like a crocodile. I tend to think of every scenario, every possibility, and still end up knowing and realizing that the most rational conclusion is the right one, but my mind still likes to go through the motions.

Sometimes, though, the wires get crossed and my brain starts at the furthest, “most imaginative” (i.e. stupidest) conclusion. And it usually happens for things that wouldn’t cause me to start the obsessive mulling process because the answer should be entirely obvious.

Yesterday, I was putting away laundry (yes, my life is exciting), and in my dimly lit bedroom, I saw two marks on the inside of my arm. Two nice, lined up marks about a half inch apart. The very first thought that entered my mind was:

“Oh my God, I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”

Not, “huh, what is that.” Not, “are those bug bites?” Not, “let me go to a well lit area and see what that is.” Nope, I had been bitten by a vampire.

Now, mind you, a split second after that thought, my thought was “are you fucking kidding me, brain?” But, still, that is the first thing it offered up and that’s frightening to me.

And it turned out, it was ONE puncture and ONE freckle. I’m pretty certain the puncture is from the cat, who scratches me so much I rarely even stop to register it.

And now you see, that if a vampire would to have bitten me, it would have been a one-fanged, tiny, incompetent vampire, who goes for the inner arm and not the neck, nor anywhere near any veins. And, on top of all of that – I didn’t notice it.

Thanks a lot, brain. And, I’ve even been pretty good to my brain – rarely any drinking, no drugs, etc. So there’s really no excuse.

Another example is way back when the movie Hook came out. The night after I saw that movie, I was roused from my slumber and noticed a small pinpoint of light on my pillow. My first thought was that it was Tinkerbell. And no, I’m not so young that it was adorable. I was like, 15. It was light coming in through the blinds. Like it always fucking does.

I suppose literal sleep and putting away laundry could make my brain go into sleep mode and these thoughts are the moment when one moves the mouse and the screen saver goes away. But, still, I can’t help but shake my head in disappointment.

Has anyone else not been bitten by a vampire?

Carried Away – Yes, Even You Can Have a Punny TV Show

I love a good pun. Ok, so perhaps the very essence of the pun means they can’t be “good.” But, still. However, the naming-a-television-show-with-a-pun-of-the-main-characters-name has got to stop. In flipping through my Entertainment Weekly fall TV preview issue, there are two new shows with these titles:

Hart of Dixie – Rachel Bilson plays doctor Zoe Hart, who leaves NYC for a practice in Alabama.
Reed Between the Lines – Tracee Ellis Ross plays Dr. Carla Reed, a psychologist who works AND has kids, people.

Other examples:
Raising Hope
Hope and Faith
Hart to Hart
Grey’s Anatomy
Better Off Ted
Saving Grace
Joan of Arcadia
Grace Under Fire
Sonny With a Chance

And on and on and on…

Here are my predictions for future television shows just waiting their chance at word play and ratings glory:

Itis What It Is – Jo Itis is a single mother raising three kids and juggling her juggling career and the rest of life’s hassles.

Two Birds, One Stone – Kendra and Patrick Bird are jewel thieves wrapped up in international intrigue and love for each other.

Old Hat – Gary Hat, a resident of the local retirement home, is a retired cop. Everybody bugs him for advice on cold cases. (Spin-off will be Old Adage, about a lady named Adage Adams)

Tossen Cookies – Cookie Tossen is a baker, and perpetually single. She needs a man to do it with her and some help in the kitchen! She also has a sensitive stomach.

Fall on the Sworde – A sci-fi show where the entire nation has mysteriously stopped experiencing Winter, Summer, and Spring. It’s up to scientist Harold Sworde to figure out why.

Steve All About It – Steve Hunch is the managing editor of a struggling newspaper. His life pretty much sucks.

Half and Half – Two detectives – Ronnie Half, an idealistic newbie, and Dan Waite, a grizzled and cynical dwarf – try and get along while stopping crime in the city of Atlanta. If it’s on the same network, maybe they can get occasional help from Gary Hat. And oh my God, there has already been a show called Half & Half about half sisters. It ran for four years. Crap. Potential new names for my show: Half-Pint, The Ron and Short of It, or The Waiting is the Halfest Part.

E = M.C. Squared – Twins Michael and Charlie are aspiring rappers. Their rapping duo act is called Energy. They rap at the local town square for tips and also help the locals with their various problems.

MY TV show will be called “Carried Away,” about a woman obsessed with coming up with TV show titles with puns in them.

I could do this allll day.

Two Things You Don’t Want to Hear a Doctor Say in Sequential and Horrific Order

I went to the doctor recently for a yearly check-up. First of all, I learned I was 1 and 1/4 inch taller than I thought I was. Now my driver’s license has a big fat lie on it and there’s been so many things I thought I couldn’t reach and didn’t bother to try, now only to find out I should have.

That was the GOOD news to come of the appointment. I also figured I’d kill two doctor appointments with one stone and get my stupid pap smear over with. Yay! The mention of a pap smear! Trust me, I’m right there with you. But, the two things I heard the doctor mutter that day were so hilarious and horrific that they warrant documentation. Sparing you every detail, I present, the two things any woman who takes herself too seriously should hear:

1. “I can’t find your uterus.”
2. “I’m going to need some assistance.” (Gets up and cracks the door) “AMANDA! Could you come in here please?”

After Amanda arrived, with a flashlight, I guess, the doctor then completed the following SAT analogy question:

The Holy Grail : The Fountain of Youth ::

a. wallet : money
b. car : television
c. keys : uterus

“Never mind, I found it.”

Holy Grail : Keys

I’m a Testin’ and Have Chosen Fancy Panties as the Subject

Fancy Panties
If we as English speakers are allowed to just throw around the phrase "Fancy Panties" as if it doesn't matter, then we're all screwed.

Fancy Panties:
1. Are not found in drugstores.
2. Are not found in bins.
3. Are not 10/$10
4. Are not advertised on canary yellow office supply paper.
5. Should either have real gems and precious metals on them, be made of money, or have real stolen art/ancient artifacts woven throughout (comfort is of no concern).