15 Thoughts While I Wait on Hold for Utility Service

1. It’s time for me to get my biannual haircut.

2. I’m currently on hold to switch the water bill/account back to us for a whole flippin’ month. The estimated wait time on the phone is 18 minutes. The water resources wait music follows the same proud tradition of the Georgia DMV – one minute clip of muzak repeated over and over and over. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do – drive me to go online. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL. It’s what I was born to do – run errands without having to leave my house or speak to anyone. Unfortunately, your user experience is seriously lacking and I don’t want to have to start a whole new account if I don’t have to. SO HA HA HA, jokes on you, I’m going to sit here and suffer. Oh, wait.

3. In related news, we got an offer on our house! Hooray! This is why I have to activate the water, gas, and electricity for exactly one month – the time between renters and new owners. If everything keeps moving forward smoothly (like the smooth jazz I’m currently listening to), we’ll close on December 31st.

4. My call is very important to them.

5. I’m sincerely starting to worry that I will have forgotten what I called about, panic, tell them to have a nice day, hang up, and have to start again.

6. Tom is currently making lunch while I’m here on hold. I’d like some lunch. Or maybe I’ve never had lunch before. My sense of self is slowly being replaced by this one minute of smooth jazz.

7. “We hear you want some water, some water, waaatteeer, want some water” is the lyrics to the song I’m listening to. I wrote these lyrics, they are copyrighted so don’t even think about it, Gwinnett County Water Resources.

8. I’ve had the thought – “maybe we don’t really NEED to have the water on for the next month.” But then I thought – “what if someone breaks in, notices there’s no water, so they take a shit on the carpet instead of in the toilet.” My second thought was about how the water needs to be on so that the plumber can properly fix a couple of leaky faucets.

9. I’m on the phone with the lady and she’s typing away so I’m going to type too. Typing twins!

10. Now I have to call the gas company. Their hold muzak is more generic Eric Clapton than smooth jazzy jazz.

11. Do not giggle and report a gas leak that you noticed shortly after eating a burrito. Do not giggle and report a gas leak that you noticed shortly after eating a burrito. Do not….

I’ve added a picture of gum.

12. This lady is chewing gum. I hope it brings her a little pleasure during her day of having to talk to idiots like me.

13. Now I have to listen to a robot explain the terms and conditions. Let me get my pen and paper! I’m just kidding robot, I’m not listening.

14. “To end this call, please hang up.” I actually sat through the message long enough to be told that.

15. I thank you for reaching the end of this post, you as a reader are important to me. Be-ba-di-do-wop-a-diddly-doo.


This post was inspired by: Studio30Plus‘ writing prompt, me needing something to do while on hold, and seriously extensive writer’s block.


I Can’t Believe I like Grease 2

Grease 2. Man, what a bad movie. But for some reason, every time I’m flipping through the channels on TV and it’s on, I have to stop and watch at least some of it. Why it’s on TV all the time is a different issue. This movie is directed by the choreographer of the original Grease; I looked in the credits, and this is just a theory, but maybe the problem with Grease 2 is that it was not choreographed by the director of the first Grease. Whatever the reason though, boy does it stink, but it’s one of those bad smells you get used to after awhile. The main reason I like this movie so much is because it is very nostalgic for me, I saw it on HBO tons of times when I was a kid. You know, back when HBO would play a movie over and over again within a month (that was a joke, they still do that). I would have never been cool enough to be a Pink Lady, not even a Grease 2 Pink Lady. Grease 2 gave me a chance to get a glimpse into a world that doesn’t exist in the first place. The first Grease does that too, but it wasn’t on HBO twenty times a day when I was seven.

Grease 2 picks up where the first one left off, and all of the most endearing and beloved characters from Grease are back: Eugene, Frenchie, the Coach, and that teacher with the drug problem. Out of all the returnees, there is one that I think everyone can agree is the most touching: that fifty year old guy with the acne scars that for some reason still has a rivalry with high schoolers. With these oldie but goodies are the new sets of T-Birds and Pink Ladies, and Michelle Pfeiffer plays the lead Lady, Stephanie. She bites into this juicy role with the enthusiasm of someone making ends meet by being in a sub par sequel.

For the first five minutes, everything is okay, but then a newcomer arrives and shakes up the delicate balance that the Birds and the Ladies have worked so hard to achieve. That newcomer’s name is Michael, and he’s…..British. He also has glasses and wears sweater vests, which just add to his instant nerd status. You would think that since he is related to Sandy (from Grease), he would get a free ride, but you would be sorely mistaken. He does have a connection, Frenchie, who takes him under her pink wing to explain to him the rules of a world he could never know. You see, Michael sees Stephanie, played by Michelle Pfeiffer (in case you still don’t believe it), and falls for her instantly. But that match made in heaven is not to be, for as Frenchie tells us, Michael is far too homely to become a T-Bird, which is a prerequisite for being the boyfriend of a Pink Lady.

Luckily, there is a light in the distance: for somewhere in this legal mumbo jumbo, it states that above mentioned A (Michael) can become acquainted with, and pursue a romantic partnership with above mentioned B (Stephanie), if and only if the subject of the first party agrees to overhaul his/her personality in exchange for acceptance of his/her advances by the subject of the second party. This can be summed up by Stephanie herself: “I want a Cool Rider.” I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I will just say that Michael does indeed become a Cool Rider, and he and Stephanie end up happily together.

You may say: “This sounds exactly like the plot of the first Grease.” Well, let me just tell you smarty pants, it’s not. One, Sandy was Australian, Michael is BRITISH. Two, Sandy was a girl, Michael is a GUY. Grease 2 happens a couple of years AFTER the first Grease, and there are completely different songs in Grease 2. And, if you still have your doubts, may I remind you that Grease 2 was directed by the CHOREOGRAPHER of Grease, so therefore is a lot WORSE than the first one. So, it is very easy to see why this movie holds such a special place in my heart, and I highly recommend it if you have nothing else to do, and liked it a long time ago when you were a little kid with bad taste.

What guilty pleasures do you have?

Sometimes my “Imagination” is Staggering

I’m a pretty rational person. But I also like to over-think things, roll them over and over like a crocodile. I tend to think of every scenario, every possibility, and still end up knowing and realizing that the most rational conclusion is the right one, but my mind still likes to go through the motions.

Sometimes, though, the wires get crossed and my brain starts at the furthest, “most imaginative” (i.e. stupidest) conclusion. And it usually happens for things that wouldn’t cause me to start the obsessive mulling process because the answer should be entirely obvious.

Yesterday, I was putting away laundry (yes, my life is exciting), and in my dimly lit bedroom, I saw two marks on the inside of my arm. Two nice, lined up marks about a half inch apart. The very first thought that entered my mind was:

“Oh my God, I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”

Not, “huh, what is that.” Not, “are those bug bites?” Not, “let me go to a well lit area and see what that is.” Nope, I had been bitten by a vampire.

Now, mind you, a split second after that thought, my thought was “are you fucking kidding me, brain?” But, still, that is the first thing it offered up and that’s frightening to me.

And it turned out, it was ONE puncture and ONE freckle. I’m pretty certain the puncture is from the cat, who scratches me so much I rarely even stop to register it.

And now you see, that if a vampire would to have bitten me, it would have been a one-fanged, tiny, incompetent vampire, who goes for the inner arm and not the neck, nor anywhere near any veins. And, on top of all of that – I didn’t notice it.

Thanks a lot, brain. And, I’ve even been pretty good to my brain – rarely any drinking, no drugs, etc. So there’s really no excuse.

Another example is way back when the movie Hook came out. The night after I saw that movie, I was roused from my slumber and noticed a small pinpoint of light on my pillow. My first thought was that it was Tinkerbell. And no, I’m not so young that it was adorable. I was like, 15. It was light coming in through the blinds. Like it always fucking does.

I suppose literal sleep and putting away laundry could make my brain go into sleep mode and these thoughts are the moment when one moves the mouse and the screen saver goes away. But, still, I can’t help but shake my head in disappointment.

Has anyone else not been bitten by a vampire?