I may not be able to use pillows anymore.

At the drug store the other day, this caught my eye:

My Pillow Mustache


“I HAVE seen that on TV,” I thought to myself – that box was totally right! Looking at the list of wonderful things about the My Pillow:

  • Anti-microbial
  • Dust mite resistant
  • Built-in cooling effects (whatever the hell that means)

The list was long and impressive. But, I can’t purchase this pillow, and here’s why:

My Pillow Mustache Problem


I just think a grown man with a mustache shouldn’t be lovingly cuddling a pillow on the box. This seems very obvious to me, like marketing 101: “no one with a mustache should be affectionate with the product on the packaging.” I’ve never taken a marketing class, but isn’t that the first or AT MOST the third thing they tell you?

And then I couldn’t stop thinking about how much this man loved this pillow, and then I started to worry about what would happen if they had a baby together, and now this haunts my nightmares:

Mustache Pillow Baby


And now I’m not sure I can even have any pillows anymore.


P.S. I’ve had to send my stupid brand new laptop off to be fixed so there won’t be a Super Friends this week for those of you who read them.

Police Snackademy

You know when you spell a word over and over and it doesn’t seem like a word anymore?  And how sometimes something seems funny, then  you spell it over and over and it doesn’t seem like a funny anymore? This is that post. It’s pretty much solely to amuse Tom and my friend, Dave.

I’ve been sitting on it for weeks. Then, Lance goes and tweets about Steve Guttenberg getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today. What the fucking hell? What are the chances of that? I’m sitting on a Police Academy post and Steve Guttenbeg “finally?” gets a star on the Walk of Fame. So, I have  no choice but to drop this bomb. I apologize to all who are scarred by it.


We were at Walgreen’s, and Tom came across this amazing combo DVD of Police Academys 2 and 3 (yes, 2 and 3 only):

Notice the yellow sticker on it – “DON’T Forget SNACK.” Yep, it’s a yellow sticker about a singular snack. Even though there are TWO movies to watch – shouldn’t it be “snacks” plural? And also, stop nagging me, Comedy Double Feature Police Academy 2 and 3 DVD.

If I want a snack, I’ll get a snack, and if I don’t, I won’t. And, I’m not buying you anyway, so it’s none of your goddamned business.

I looked everywhere in the store, but they had none of my favorite snacks:





Found this at my local Kroger Grocery Store

What about kids with Awkward, Drunk, Passive Aggressive, Yelling, Emotionally Distant Families, etc.? Where’s their play sets? Not at the Kroger, that’s where.

And then, to add insult to injury they have this:

Stick your finger in here and have a taste of what you can never have. The Horror! Look at those assholes, just smiling, mocking you and your non-happy family-having finger.

Also, if you are getting your kid a present at the grocery store, it’s most likely 11pm on Christmas Eve. So, if this was meant to be an ironic product, then kudos.

She’s my pumpkin pie, warm boat of gravy such a sweet suprise-I got you a Thanksgiving card!

I found myself in the drugstore’s greeting card section yet again last week.

This time, the Halloween cards (which I really don’t see the point of) had been replaced with Thanksgiving cards. I don’t know why, but this seems even sillier than Halloween cards to me. And, as usual, there were categories which had wrong descriptions and cards. I have made the necessary corrections:

Because eating until you have to unbutton your pants naturally leads to doin' it.

I would like to preface the next two with the following fact: I work in dog rescue. I buy my dogs Christmas presents. We make up songs about our dogs and sing them to our dogs (“Your own, personal, Jenkins. Someone to give belly rubs, someone to snug….reach out and kiss face”). I even “understand” a birthday card from a dog (cats don’t give a shit). So when I say that there is a problem if you feel you need to buy or receive a Thanksgiving card from your pet, that means there’s a problem.