A Cold is Coming. Set the Place on Fire!

You know what’s strange about catching a simple cold? The fact that my body tries its hardest to convince the germs that it’s a bad real estate investment – too much of a fixer-upper to bother staying. And, of course, every single time, the cold decides it’s too good a deal to pass up.

What this means is that I actually feel worse when my body is fighting it off than when it gives up and lets the cold run its course. That’s not true when I catch something truly shitty like the flu or strep throat, but a simple cold leads to what seems like an overreacting freak-out.

Simple Cold Germs: Can we stay here a couple of days?

My body: Set the place on fire!

SCG: Seriously, it’s just three days or so.. Maybe a runny nose, some fatigue, but for the most part, you’ll still be funcional.

My body: NO! Antibodies – start rapidly stabbing the throat and neck area, everyone to the lower back – jump up and down on the spine, alternate rapidly between freezing and burning up. Make this place unhospitable!

SCG: You guys, there’s no need to do all this, we just need to crash a couple of days, it won’t be that bad.

My body: Turn her inside out! Make her feel like she’s going to have to be replaced with bionic parts!

SCG: How can a female body be such a dick hole? Why won’t you just let us hang out? We’ll leave when we find a new place.

My body: Ugh…so…tired…from…overreacting…don’t have a choice…must let cold stay.

SCG: Why? Why was that so hard? Now she’ll feel sick for five days instead of three. Where’s your bathroom?

My body: Up in the face near the nose.

I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. No, I didn’t study Biology, I majored in English, why do you ask?


24 thoughts on “A Cold is Coming. Set the Place on Fire!”

  1. I am a much whinier little bitch when only mildly under the weather than I am when flat-on-my-back-ass-over-teakettle SICK. Why is that? I didn’t major in Biology or English so I’m screwed.

  2. I can be a bit of a germophobe so my last day of blogging will be the day that hackers figure out how to transmit illness online.

    Till then, I feel safe interacting with you.

    Feel better soon!

  3. “How can a female body be such a dick hole?” ok… I’m not going to say it… but I’ll just let you ponder that for a moment…

  4. I would say that seems medically sound, but I majored in art. I just wish I could go curl up for two days alone in bed instead of having to be here for my kids. DAMMIT!

  5. Wishing you a speedy recovery. Talk to your body when you’re feeling better and tell it to go with the flow. The SCG isn’t the enemy, it’s just a traveller passing through.

  6. Ha! From now on whenever someone asks me, “Where’s the bathroom?” I’m going to say, “Up in the face near the nose.”

    Then I’ll pretend to have a coughing attack, just so things aren’t “awkward”.

  7. I didn’t major in biology either – your explanation sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Plus, I’ll pretty much go along with anything that involves the question “How can a female body be such a dick hole?”

    So true.

  8. Best explanation of immune defense ever! I’m no longer using those ridiculous and totally useless medical sites. I’m coming here.
    And yes how can the female body be such a dick hole?

  9. I am also an English major, and am absolutely certain that you are 100% correct in your interpretation of those events. I’m pretty sure that entire dialogue was first published in one of Shakespeare’s plays. Or maybe Faulkner. I could be a bit confused on my sources.

  10. Awesome! Well… not you being sick, just this post about you being sick. But then, if you *hadn’t* been sick you wouldn’t have written this post. So I guess I’m actually saying, “You were sick, awesome!”

    That’s right, I’m a regular cheerleader. You can thank me later when you recover.

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