I’m having a giveaway! I didn’t say it was something good.

It’s a shell-abration! I’m very conch-ious of what my readers want, and enough of them wanted the chance to win something without having to spend a (sand)dollar. Specifically, they said they wanted this:

I jokingly said I would give this away as a punishment, but enough of you weirdos wonderful people told me you must have it, so I went back and bought it. The lady I bought it from told me they were really popular, and I kept my “you’re shitting me” to myself since I was also buying it and it wouldn’t make much sense to exclaim my shock. She also showed me that some of the shell creatures are cheating:

What a story it tells! Layer upon layer of character development. For example, why do only two of the creatures have a Diet Coke? Were the other two not thirsty? Were they not offered a drink? My imagination dances with the possibilities. Fun fact: the two cheaters are the ones without a beverage. What could that mean!?

There’s even more rich history to this amazing specimen. I was given the box it came in and some old newspapers to protect it, but in packing it back in, some of the cards came loose and I had to glue them back. So it’s kind of like I made it myself, for you. And, since the cards may fall off again, I’m adding a second prize!

I know, it’s almost too much to handle. Just try to breathe.

Seeing as how this amazing cheaply made fragile treasure is so special, I want you to WANT it. I want you to request that you be buried with it when you die, or build it up in the minds of your family members so that they fight over it when you die. I want you to do crazy things like tell people not to look directly at it.  I want it to have a stocking at Christmas, even if you don’t celebrate Christmas. I want whatever room you keep it in (if not in a safe deposit box) to be called the “Shell Poker Game Trinket Room,” and I want you to charge admission, and I want there to be a red velvet rope at the door. I want, when you get it and it inevitably has some cards unglued, to scream at the heavens, fists in the air, tears streaming down your cheeks, yelling “WHYYYYYYYYYYY!” Or, don’t. I can’t really tell you what to do with it once it’s yours. Those are just suggestions.

My point is, if you seriously don’t want it, I don’t want to burden bless you with something you don’t want. But, I love comments like Pac-Man loves little white pellets, so I don’t want to keep you from leaving a comment. I’ve decided to add a code word that will exempt you from the drawing that will reveal the chosen one whose task it will be to guard this treasure with their life (again, just a suggestion). That code word is “beautiful.” So, if you DON’T WANT THIS PRICELESS ARTIFACT, use the word in your comment. For example;

Wow, that thing is beautiful, I really hope I win it.”

See? Easy, straight-forward, no confusion.

If you DO want it, just leave a comment using any word/s in the English language other than “beautiful.” Then, I will randomly choose a name and change someone’s life forever. You have a week to leave a comment.

I will try my best not to break this thing before then.

Don’t Tell the Beach What it Can’t Make out of Seashells

We’re at the beach this week with my family and today I went to some of the local gift shops.

At the beach, they can make anything they want out of shells and don’t you tell them otherwise.

Then, I saw this:

It’s some kind of shell creatures (frogs?) playing poker on a shell table, sitting in shell seats, wagering shell chips. Only the cans, cards, and googly eyes are not shell, and I think we all can agree they were necessary to set the scene.

I almost bought this to give away as a “prize” on this blog. But, it wouldn’t really be a prize. What’s the opposite of prize? I almost bought this to give away as a punishment on this blog. Maybe whoever didn’t comment would randomly be chosen to have to own this? That’s a pretty big pool, though. And what if Dame Judi Dench won? I wouldn’t know how to get this masterpiece to her.

Then I wondered, is that the best the beach could do? I’m not so sure. Maybe there’s, like, a shell dentist giving a root canal to a shell patient or a shell shell bird taking a shell crap on the head of a shell mime. I’m just brainstorming here, I’m not a shell art expert.

So, I shall keep an eye out for something to top this shell poker game. Is there anything made of shells you would actually want to win? I can ask around.

Christmas Craft: Humane Rat’s Nest Ornament

While shopping online, I found this ornament:
source: zulily.com
It’s a ball of “exotic fur” that would go on your Christmas tree because we haven’t found enough things to make out of dead animals.

But, what if you don’t have $36 for whatever the hell that thing is, and want something like it? That’s what I’m here for.

I’ve come up with two humane ways to reproduce this glorious holiday accessory for little to no money. The chinchillas and/or rats will thank you for your willingness to craft equally beautiful hair-related ornaments.

Project 1: I Just Got My Hair Cut Ornament

Supplies: 1. Lint roller   2. Hair

1. Go get your hair cut.
2.  Have the following conversation with the nice lady at the salon:
You (bending down with a plastic bag): I’m taking my hair. It’s, uh, for a project.
Lady: Oh! Ok. Is it for your garden?
You: ………………………………………yes.
Pray that you do not open up a conversation about gardens and hair because you kinda heard that once but have no idea about the details of why people put hair in gardens.
3.    Have the hair sit around your house in a bag on the kitchen counter because you are a big procrastinating freak.
4.    Spread hair out onto a white paper towel.
5.    Roll lint roller around in it.
6.    Tie a piece of rope to the convenient hole in the handle.
7.   Voila! You have a festive, humane ornament with goddamn hair on it, just like you always wanted.

Project 2: Celebrity “Hair” Ornament

Supplies: 1. Lint roller    2. Print out of pictures of a celebrity whose hair will work for this project. 3. Optional festive ribbon.

1.    Print out your chosen picture.
2.    Cut out the hair part.

3.    Wrap the hair parts around the lint roller (I also used some tape to really get the look I “wanted”).
4.    Add festive ribbon.
5.    Voila! You now have an ornament that says “I printed out pictures of Donald Trump and stuck them onto a lint roller.”

You could also achieve the same effect with your pet’s hair if you have enough of it. Or, you could find some roadkill and attach a festive ribbon to it. However you do it, the end result will be that you didn’t spend $36 on a ball of hair, and that to me, is the very essence of what the holidays are all about.