I’m having a giveaway! I didn’t say it was something good.

It’s a shell-abration! I’m very conch-ious of what my readers want, and enough of them wanted the chance to win something without having to spend a (sand)dollar. Specifically, they said they wanted this:

I jokingly said I would give this away as a punishment, but enough of you weirdos wonderful people told me you must have it, so I went back and bought it. The lady I bought it from told me they were really popular, and I kept my “you’re shitting me” to myself since I was also buying it and it wouldn’t make much sense to exclaim my shock. She also showed me that some of the shell creatures are cheating:

What a story it tells! Layer upon layer of character development. For example, why do only two of the creatures have a Diet Coke? Were the other two not thirsty? Were they not offered a drink? My imagination dances with the possibilities. Fun fact: the two cheaters are the ones without a beverage. What could that mean!?

There’s even more rich history to this amazing specimen. I was given the box it came in and some old newspapers to protect it, but in packing it back in, some of the cards came loose and I had to glue them back. So it’s kind of like I made it myself, for you. And, since the cards may fall off again, I’m adding a second prize!

I know, it’s almost too much to handle. Just try to breathe.

Seeing as how this amazing cheaply made fragile treasure is so special, I want you to WANT it. I want you to request that you be buried with it when you die, or build it up in the minds of your family members so that they fight over it when you die. I want you to do crazy things like tell people not to look directly at it.  I want it to have a stocking at Christmas, even if you don’t celebrate Christmas. I want whatever room you keep it in (if not in a safe deposit box) to be called the “Shell Poker Game Trinket Room,” and I want you to charge admission, and I want there to be a red velvet rope at the door. I want, when you get it and it inevitably has some cards unglued, to scream at the heavens, fists in the air, tears streaming down your cheeks, yelling “WHYYYYYYYYYYY!” Or, don’t. I can’t really tell you what to do with it once it’s yours. Those are just suggestions.

My point is, if you seriously don’t want it, I don’t want to burden bless you with something you don’t want. But, I love comments like Pac-Man loves little white pellets, so I don’t want to keep you from leaving a comment. I’ve decided to add a code word that will exempt you from the drawing that will reveal the chosen one whose task it will be to guard this treasure with their life (again, just a suggestion). That code word is “beautiful.” So, if you DON’T WANT THIS PRICELESS ARTIFACT, use the word in your comment. For example;

Wow, that thing is beautiful, I really hope I win it.”

See? Easy, straight-forward, no confusion.

If you DO want it, just leave a comment using any word/s in the English language other than “beautiful.” Then, I will randomly choose a name and change someone’s life forever. You have a week to leave a comment.

I will try my best not to break this thing before then.

46 thoughts on “I’m having a giveaway! I didn’t say it was something good.”

  1. Wow, what a beauti . . . um, lovely piece of artwork. I have decide that WHEN it is gifted upon me, I will keep it in my office and tell people who enter that I must consult my oracles and their magic cards before deciding the fate of whatever case and/or question they are consulting me about. I might even use the secret knife. Oh, and my theory is that those who were not offered a beverage decided to get back at the others by either taking all their money (cheater) or taking their lives (knife). It’s a working hypothesis.

    You are truly a beautif . . . oops, I mean a wonderful person to have purchased this item for your adoring fans. Oh and you are really pretty. 😀

  2. A cheating, shiv carrying, non Diet Coke drinking (I hate Diet Coke) shell card player??! Are you kidding me? That thing just jumped up 4,000 points and various levels of cool and must-have-it-ness, I can hardly stand it.

    I would tie that sucker up like Pee Wee’s bicycle so that nobody (Francis or not) could ever get their grubby hands on it.

  3. That is possibly the most interesting piece of decor I’ve ever seen and must be in my home where it can be the ONLY piece of decor I would have.

    Too cool.

  4. We go to the beach every year for a one week vacation with the whole family. The beach houses we rent invariably have SOMETHING like that in them. I think that would make a fantastic trophy. . . If I win, I will take that gem, and devise some sort of annual contest in order to award it.

  5. I’ve always been a sucker for the shell creatures in the many Florida gift shops I’ve been honored to visit in my 35 years….My trusty shell turtle with a cute little hat sits on my piano and watches with a smile and his bobbly head while I crank out tunes. I really just wanted to comment because I thought this was a hilarious post and I really enjoyed it. (but yes, I still own the turtle) thanks for sharing!

  6. I’m pretty sure that my home’s been missing something, but I wasn’t sure what. Until now. Cheating shell-people playing cards? Two of them languishing, slowly dying of Diet-Coke-related thirst? YES. My home is missing THIS. If I win, I will take photos of it in its new perfect habitat and post them on my blog, possibly with my cat sniffing it because everything that enters the house immediately belongs to him.

  7. If ever there were a shell/Diet Coke-based decor item that demanded its own display room, this is it. I would seriously consider installing a fireplace in my home if I won, just so I’d have a mantel upon which it could be lovingly displayed (also handy for hanging its stocking).

  8. Um, I have a ladderback bookshelf full of wonderful whimsicals ~WAITING~ for this centerpiece…seriously…my kid would hate it (bonus for annoying a teenager) my dude would point and laugh (bonus for smooshing his face in lack of art appreciation) and I would smile every morning…

  9. This will be an heirloom that I pass down to my children, and they use it as a ritual object in their weddings, and they pass to their children. AND SO ON. And since we don’t have a lot of extra room in the house, we will set up and take down a yurt in the back yard of wherever we live and call it the Shell Poker Game Trinket Yurt. Or maybe we will sell our home and just live in said yurt. And I will add thought bubbles to the “creatures”, like “I’M A CUT YOU BITCH!” That would be for the one carrying the shiv. He’s all pissed at the other non-beverage drinking cheater. And the other two who have Diet Cokes but wish they were Tabs are all like college kids who just unknowingly stumbled into this HIGH STAKES BACK ROOM GAME. And hijinks ensue. Etc. Anyway, give it to me now, please. No way will my 4-year-old break this.

  10. Don’t you dare send me that beautiful thing. Those shells look crazy and murderous, so I hope whoever wins this BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL item snaps a picture where they are going to display it and you can share it with the rest of us. I’m all vicarious that way. Simply beautiful.

  11. Oh how I long for it! Everytime I look at it I feel enraptured by its joyousness… I’ve got a room I will happily turn into Shell Poker Game Trinket Room. I may even build it a shrine. People could leave offerings, tiny shell-appropriate offerings. But there is a tragedy: I’m far away across the sea. I don’t expect those shell guys would make it in one piece and the thought of receiving a box of shelldust in the mail is heartbreaking!

  12. Ohmygosh I adore it! It’s the randomest thing ever, and seeing as I already have loads of random (ummm) treasures, it will be able to take its rightful place as the star attraction on my shelf! Right between the bowl of shells and the little wooden boat (not kidding there either). I can then finally open my museum of (ummm) treasures and with the help of these poker playing stunners I can charge millions of pounds entry and retire!

  13. As much as I would love the delightful and charming Clams Playing Poker, I will wait for the next contest, when I hope you will give away an even more BEAUTIFUL black velvet painting of Clams Playing Poker.

  14. Why would someone take these BEAUTIFUL shells and create such a monstrosity? It makes me weep. Good luck to whomever truly desires it. Here’s one less entry in the competition.

    On a random side note, I did nominate you for two awards on my blog. My personal favorite is the I Want To Wear Your Head as a Hat Award. How can you not love something like that?!? It’s BEAUTIFUL!

  15. LOVE Jim W’s idea of the shell oracle being passed around the blog-o-sphere, bringing joy and wisdom to those who are so blessed to be in its presence, uniting once and future admirers of their googly-eyed shell-ness… Gorilla Glue would keep all cards and other small details in tact. It could be THE next miracle.

  16. Aw man! I go away for a couple of days and missed the best giveaway ever?!?

    The fact that one of the Shellsies is cheating and the other is ready to shank make it even more trashy-chic than before. Love it!

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