It’s a shell-abration! I’m very conch-ious of what my readers want, and enough of them wanted the chance to win something without having to spend a (sand)dollar. Specifically, they said they wanted this:
I jokingly said I would give this away as a punishment, but enough of you
weirdos wonderful people told me you must have it, so I went back and bought it. The lady I bought it from told me they were really popular, and I kept my “you’re shitting me” to myself since I was also buying it and it wouldn’t make much sense to exclaim my shock. She also showed me that some of the shell creatures are cheating:
What a story it tells! Layer upon layer of character development. For example, why do only two of the creatures have a Diet Coke? Were the other two not thirsty? Were they not offered a drink? My imagination dances with the possibilities. Fun fact: the two cheaters are the ones without a beverage. What could that mean!?
There’s even more rich history to this amazing specimen. I was given the box it came in and some old newspapers to protect it, but in packing it back in, some of the cards came loose and I had to glue them back. So it’s kind of like I made it myself, for you. And, since the cards may fall off again, I’m adding a second prize!
I know, it’s almost too much to handle. Just try to breathe.
Seeing as how this amazing
cheaply made fragile treasure is so special, I want you to WANT it. I want you to request that you be buried with it when you die, or build it up in the minds of your family members so that they fight over it when you die. I want you to do crazy things like tell people not to look directly at it. I want it to have a stocking at Christmas, even if you don’t celebrate Christmas. I want whatever room you keep it in (if not in a safe deposit box) to be called the “Shell Poker Game Trinket Room,” and I want you to charge admission, and I want there to be a red velvet rope at the door. I want, when you get it and it inevitably has some cards unglued, to scream at the heavens, fists in the air, tears streaming down your cheeks, yelling “WHYYYYYYYYYYY!” Or, don’t. I can’t really tell you what to do with it once it’s yours. Those are just suggestions.
My point is, if you seriously don’t want it, I don’t want to
burden bless you with something you don’t want. But, I love comments like Pac-Man loves little white pellets, so I don’t want to keep you from leaving a comment. I’ve decided to add a code word that will exempt you from the drawing that will reveal the chosen one whose task it will be to guard this treasure with their life (again, just a suggestion). That code word is “beautiful.” So, if you DON’T WANT THIS PRICELESS ARTIFACT, use the word in your comment. For example;
“Wow, that thing is beautiful, I really hope I win it.”
See? Easy, straight-forward, no confusion.
If you DO want it, just leave a comment using any word/s in the English language other than “beautiful.” Then, I will randomly choose a name and change someone’s life forever. You have a week to leave a comment.
I will try my best not to break this thing before then.