Category: Saturday Morning Ridiculousness

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9, Storyline C – “The Water Beast”

Original Airdate – October 29, 1977

Short Synopsis: Ugh. It has the word “water” in the title.  It’s Aquaman’s time to “shine,” I guess.

“The mid-Atlantic, where freighters peacefully navigate the ocean, unaware that lurking many fathoms below, is the command ship of the master undersea menace – Manta” – Narrator

*Behind the scene tidbit: I’ve been sitting here for an hour and only gotten 7 or 8 seconds into the story because there’s a part of me that tries to reject the Super Friends like a body rejects an organ.*

Manta says that soon he will rule the oceans of the world and then demands that they “activate the water beast.” Like in the title!

Manta orders Water Beast to seize the freighters. I think he looks kind of cute, like when someone wins too many Grammys for them to hold.

The third freighter got away by using maneuvers only an animated ship could accomplish. Manta is disappointed and believes he can reach his goals with the help of his “arch foe,” Aquaman. This prompted me to look up if this may be the first comic book canon villain that I’ve noticed and it isn’t exactly but I guess kind of is. So the first one they go for is an Aquaman villain? Ok. I guess.

Later, at the Hall of Justice

Jayna mentions that it sounds like one of Zan’s powers “gone wacko.” And just in that moment, I realized that both Zan and Aquaman’s powers are water-related and that perhaps it’s the water that makes people seem so lame. I mean I knew it, but wasn’t really conscious of it. Oh dear God I’ve been watching way too much Super Friends.

Again, I must ask.

IF ZAN DOESN’T HAVE TO BE WATER IN A BUCKET FOR JAYNA TO CARRY THEM AROUND THEN WHY DOES HE DO IT 99% OF THE TIME!?

Why don’t they just do this all the time? I just had to get that off of my chest.

Superman isn’t clear on how Water Beasts work.

I mean, I guess it’s fair – he’s never dealt with a water beast before – nobody really knows the anatomical intricacies of a water beast. But, if it’s truly a beast made of water, then trying to punch it just really isn’t going to work.

He then has the clever idea of boiling the water beast with his heat ray, but then is surprised when the Water Beast reforms itself. So, Superman is now stuck trying to figure out how to kill a bunch of water, which was Manta’s plan in the first place because now he has Aquaman all to himself.

Are you tired of of manually scrambling someone’s telepathy? We have the answer!

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You’re gonna do what, now?

Ok this is when things get a little silly. I can barely follow it, so I’m just going to transcribe what Manta tells Aquaman.

“That special cage you’re in will electronically duplicate your superpowers on computer tape, which I will transfer to my water beast, making HIM invincible. Nothing will stop him!”

Manta, you had me until you called the Super Friends and told them where you would be attacking next. 

Classic rookie mistake. I mean I know the point is to challenge them to defeat your newly “invincible water beast,” but still, you obviously have some other lofty goal – stick with that, don’t get sidetracked.

And while we’re on the subject, IS Aquaman invincible? It is my understanding that he can talk to fish, can hold his breath a long time, and is maybe stronger than average, but I don’t think he’s invincible. Superman is about as close as you’ll get, and he ain’t no Superman. What’s that, you say? You’re an animated character from the 1970s and can’t help me with that question? Very well.

Meanwhile at Labows Island…

Labows Island is where the water beast is going to attack. Yes, I’m guessing at the name.

The water beast is successful in not-losing to the Super Friends, who give up on stopping him and focus on evacuating the locals, which they could have done ahead of time if they ever planned anything at all.

“You’ve proved your point, Manta, what are your demands?” – Wonder Woman

Seriously? That’s it? Ok, then.

“As ruler of the seas, I forbid any ship to leave port without my permission, and without paying a heavy tribute. Violators will be severely punished by my Water Beast. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” – Manta

Batman has a “plan.”

Something about getting a captain to violate Manta’s rules so that Manta sends the Water Beast but the beast is in for a surprise because some of the Super Friends are hiding in a waterproof crate?

Something about being smuggled to Manta’s secret lair. Or something.

WHAT THE HELL

“While the super freighter heads for the open sea, thousands of miles away, Superman and Wonder Woman are doing aerial acrobatics to raise money for charity.” – Narrator

“I hope Batman’s plan works!” – Wonder Woman

“Until it does, we have to be seen here, so Manta won’t suspect a trap!” – Superman

What I assume was said earlier:

Superman: Uh, yeah, uh, we’d love to help save the seas and our friend Aquaman, but, um, you know..we have that thing…

Wonder Woman: Ohhhhh, yeahhh, that charity thing. Yeahhhh, we can’t get out of that. Sorry.

And how is Batman’s plan going?

They somehow get loose (it involves a batgadget) and then Zan turns into steam and Jayna a mosquito and find Aquaman but then they get trapped in a can at the bottom of the sea and then the pressure starts to crush the can..

They’re saved by some jellyfish because Aquaman used his powers which I thought he either didn’t have anymore or was being blocked. I have a feeling this isn’t going to be addressed. And then the plan completely fails and they all regroup at Headquarters because Super Friends hates me and this story line just won’t end.

Alllright…

All the food except for a few carrot sticks has been eaten and there’s one lonely drunk girl on the dance floor, I think it’s time to wrap this party up.

The Super Friends do something smart and consult with a scientist who analyzed the water beast and they all decide splitting the water beast in to smaller units is a good idea even though he lives in the ocean which is a bottomless supply of water and you know what fuck it let’s just go with it…

Sorry, one more little nitpick – the water beast is headed for New York, which the Super Friends have known for quite a while. Did they evacuate the city? I think we all know the answer.

Ok, back to just letting the plan happen…

Batman and Robin vacuum up the water beast into separate containers. The day is saved!

Holy Fucking Shit Zan is Useful.

I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever thought this day would come. And, while it is a stupid convoluted plan, within the framework of that plan….Zan actually did something only he could contribute:

He became the water beast, luring Manta to the surface and into the hands of the authorities.

I can’t take anymore. A long insane story that ends in Zan saving the day? It’s too much for me to handle. Next week he’ll be back turning into ice bridges to save a teenager from popping a pimple and all will be right in the world but until then it’s a confusing, sad place to live.

THE END.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9, Storyline B – “Game of Chicken”

Original Airdate – October 29, 1977

Short Synopsis: At Al’s Drive-In, two cars vie for the same parking space. “Out of my way, Mill,” exclaims Lans. Mill and Lans are the names I heard, so I’m going with it.

Lans says he always parks there, and then Mill says he has the muscles to back up his claim. Oh my god it’s already so boring. Mill tells Lans, “You wouldn’t be so brave if you didn’t have muscles!” Ok, well, yeah, that kind of stands to reason.

Mill then proposes a game of chicken, “unless of course, YOU’RE chicken!” Snap. Wow, both of these guys seem like real gentlemen. Mill proposes having this game of chicken in what I swear is “in my dad’s boots,” but that can’t be right.

And I guess the guy’s name could be “Lance” but that’s NOT how they’re saying it. I’m getting off track (ha ha! like in a game of chicken!).

The Wonder Twins are bowling, because that’s the only thing that can be more boring than The Wonder Twins. The Wonder Twins bowling.

Jayna says that “bowling is right up Gleek’s alley,” and just when I was about to go stick my head in the oven, the Twins get the Trouble Alert.

Ohhhh, BOATS, not Boots.

Mill and Lans race each other along a mountain road on the way to a marina, and they’re having a complete back-and-forth conversation over their roaring engines (bunch of trash talk).

But who’s there to stop them? Jayna, Zan, and Gleek, who’s grown like a foot and a half.

Those two dummies stop their cars, and Jayna and Zan tell them surely there’s some other, safer way to resolve their issues.

“Why suuuure, we’ll shake hands and make up,” says one of them (I can’t keep track), dripping with sarcasm.

“Good!” says naive and stupid Zan.

“AFTER I cream him on the river!” clarifies that one guy. And then, he does this:

I take everything bad back I said about him. We’re to be married in the spring.

Then the Wonder Twins have to do their little power move covered in mud to rush to aid the jerks who did this to them.

And here’s those boots boats everyone’s been talking about.

So the guys finally make it to their boats. One does indeed chicken out (the smart one, I guess), and then the other one’s “steering cable” breaks and he is helplessly careening towards a waterfall.

And then this is how they save him?

Pretty self explanatory. Zan became and ice ramp and then Jayna became a walrus to the stop the boat by hitching her back flippers into the boat and then digging her walrus tusks into her own brother. Really, it’s what any of us would have done.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

It’s been a couple of weeks, I know. And it’s high time I do a new installment of Super Friends. Buuuut – it’s the holidays, and to really give it the attention it deserves (I can’t believe I just wrote that), I’m going to hold off one more week before we dive into another storyline.

So, this week it’s a quick trip through the safety segment.

Two kids race down a hill on their bikes. They stop and the girl says, “I WIN! Let’s do it again, this time with no hands!”

Batman and Robin drive up in the Batmobile. Off-road. They just pull up in their car on the freshly mowed grass like the world is their pavement. To teach a lesson about safety.

 

The kids then ask Batman and Robin if they want to watch them race down the hill using no hands, and Robin asks, “Hey, isn’t that dangerous?” Well, Robin, if you guys don’t know…

“The only thing showing off does is give you a chance to get hurt,” Batman condescends. The kids say they hadn’t thought about that and then Batman and Robin head out WAIT A SECOND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?

 

A fucking road appears out of nowhere to try and make Batman and Robin look less like the jackasses we all know they are.

And look! They obviously stole those children’s bikes, too. Sure, Batman, all in the name of safety, asshole.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9, Storyline A – “Attack of the Giant Squid”

Original Airdate – October 29, 1977

Short Synopsis: “Deep in the depths of the Phillippine Sea, strange experiments are taking place in the remote underwater laboratory of Dr. Pisces.” – Narrator

How strange? I’m just going to have to quote directly:

“This electrode device we’ve implanted will enlarge this squid to twenty times its size. And, when we set him loose, the device will cause his ink to spread and enlarge all other marine life to enormous proportions.” – Dr. Pisces

GIANT CLAM BAKE!

Dr. Pisces’ assistant seems to think it’s a bad idea, but the Doc says it will solve the world’s food shortage. The assistant warns The Super Friends, because he hates starving people – or loves starving people – in any case, The Super Friends are aware.

You can tell that Dr. Pisces is the one in the wrong in the “let’s make sea life even more bigger” argument because of the goatee-beard combo:

Superman made the major mistake of standing beside Aquaman during the Trouble Alert, so he get stuck helping out.

“Instantly, Superman and Aquaman race to the Philippine Sea.” – Narrator

I would joke that of course they did it instantly, but we all know that the Super Friends take. their. damn. time. So, it makes sense that the Narrator specifies.

 “Superman, those aren’t whales, they’re monster sized tuna.” – Aquaman

“Meanwhile, a luxury ocean liner steams peacefully along, completely unaware of the fate that awaits it.” – Narrator.

Yeeeahhh, Narrator, pretty much every ocean liner isn’t aware of it’s fate because ocean liners aren’t self aware OR clairvoyant.

The squid takes the whole ship under, but the crew made it water tight, so they’re safe…for now!

I know this is going to come to a shock to some of you. Most likely, you’re already sitting down, but if you aren’t, I suggest you find a fainting couch or bean bag chair. If you are ready to hear this earth shattering news, proceed below:

Aquaman tries to telepathically control the squid but can’t.

I’ll give you a minute to let it sink in…

Aquaman is like, “hey stop that!” but with those sonic circles and the squid is all, “haha, no” but instead of saying it, he just keeps sinking the ship. It is really action packed.

Superman and Aquaman decide the only way to stop the squid is to get it back to normal size, so they look for Dr. Pisces.

“Dr. Pisces is going to have an uninvited guest…by the name of SUPERMAN!!!” – Superman

Superman, you are sharing a storyline with AQUAMAN. You have to work really hard to seem more silly than him, and yet there you are, breaking a sweat being a big ol’ dork.

“HELP! LET ME OUT!” Yells Dr. Pisces’ assistant from inside a closet.

“There’s someone behind that door!” Superman seems to need to exclaim to himself. Oy.

Mr. Assistant hands Superman some device that will shrink the squid, and so Superman LEAVES without doing anything about Dr. Pisces.

Oh, it’s one of THOSE storylines.

Yes, it’s that time again for something stupid to happen to Superman so that the other super hero can save him and look cool. This time, Superman, while drilling a hole in a cave (literally, you perverts) is struck by a kryptonite ray thanks to Dr. Pisces, who Superman didn’t do anything about previously.

Aquaman disables the kryptonite ray with some electric eels and then apprehends Dr. Pisces in the best worst way:

They shrink the squid, the luxury liner gets returned to the top of the sea (none the wiser), and Dr. Pisces is delivered to the authorities.

Back at the League Headquarters, it’s time for the story ending zinger! This week it comes from Superman – “Who’d want to eat an 100 pound shrimp cocktail!”

Ha ha ha. Maybe starving people?

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 8, Storyline D – “River of Doom”

Original Airdate – October 22, 1977

Short Synopsis: Did you miss it? I didn’t do one last week because I’m lazy family time is so important during Thanksgiving. So we’re back in the saddle this week for another terrible adventure with a bunch of super losers.

Oh, yes! It’s LADIES NIGHT!

More like River of Va-Va-Va-Voom! (I’m sorry).

“The Amazon Jungle, a green cloak that hides incrrrredible dangers, where three geologists search for valuable mineral deposits vital to the future development of Brazil.” – Narrator

One of the geologists finds this:

And you know, as soon as you see something like that, in a story set in the Amazon, that all cultural sensitivity has flown out the window.

“It’s a burial necklace. This must be sacred Jivaro burial ground!” – Lady Geologist

“The Jivaro are head hunters! We are in great danger!” – Dude Geologist #1

Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way: if you would like to learn more about Jivaro peoples/history, do not refer to this Super Friends episode, for that would be silly. Go here, here, or here. Moving on…

The good: the geologists immediately recognize their mistake, re-bury the necklace, and try to put everything back the way it was.

The bad:

Yeah. The Jivaro throw a net over the three geologists and kidnap them.

Later, at the Hall of Justice

Some dude in a suit tells the Super Friends he’s worried about the geologists.

Rima is there – remember Rima? She is of the jungle and can talk to animals. Now you’re all caught up.

She explains to everyone that the Jivaro are normally peaceful people, “but if they are angered, there’s no telling what they could do.” Way to try and soften the blow, Rima.

 Even more later, back in the jungle

The Jivaro have the geologists sequestered in a hut, and they drew them a picture of how they’re going to punish them:

The geologists also mention piranhas but I don’t think the Jivaro drew any. Ok, fine, here, I drew you a piranha:

He’s wearing a top hat because he has a charity ball he’s attending later in the evening. They aren’t always eating an entire horse in 30 second flat, they have other interests! His name is Paulie and he has a wife (Jasmine) and four kids (Scooter, Brian, Flannigan, and Charade). He’s never met Aquaman but he’s heard some things.

Rima and Wonder Woman land in the jungle, and Rima does her Tarzan Rima Call to get the local animals to look for the geologists.

They find the Jivaros and the geologists freshly tied to a log. “We have to lure the Jivaros away from the log,” strategizes Rima. So, she says she’s going to “cover them with a dust screen,” and then she does this:

=

“Wonder Woman, hurry! The Jivaros have released the log!”

You know who else released a log? The writers.

Follow That Log

As the log rushes down the river, Wonder Woman pursues it in a canoe, followed by the Jivaro pursuing Wonder Woman. In order to slow down the Jivaro, Rima summons the Olympic gold metal Synchronized Alligatoring pair to help out.

You can see why they won the gold. This was before steroids and judge bribery took over the sport.

Wonder Woman saves the geologists, and then everyone gathers around in a perfect union of understanding and helpfulness. The Jivaros now understand the geologists didn’t mean to desecrate their specific grounds – just the area around them, and all is well.

 Health

A young man walks down a deserted road. Superman shows up out of nowhere and asks him what he’s doing there.

Superman tells him that he’s right “not to get involved in the drug scene, nobody with any sense will have any part of it.” Superman just admitted to doing drugs.

 

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.