My cat is a temperamental director in his own mind. He, like George Lucas, feels there’s always room for improvement, even for the classics. When I watch a movie or television show, this is the set up:
So, oftentimes, Elliott decides that what I’m trying to watch isn’t good enough so he jumps on to the coffee table to enhance my viewing experience. I don’t want to be the only person to benefit from his vision. Here, at long last, is the chance to view TV and movies in the way they are supposed to be seen.
First, the obvious choice: The Empire Strikes Back. In Elliott’s version, you can’t hear it since it’s a blog post, but instead of the recently Lucas-added “NOOOOOO!”, Darth Vader yells “MEOOOOOW.”
Gone with the Wind:
The Walking Dead
The Godfather (I didn’t really feel he added much and that it was an unnecessary change, but Elliott told me to “suck it.”)
The calendar I bought for 2012 is “Movie Posters from The National Registry of The Library of Congress.” This month’s poster is for Stormy Weather. It was released in 1943 and added to the Registry in 2001. This movie was on TCM last year on a Saturday morning, and I changed the channel to it just in time. It has a dance routine by the Nicholas Brothers that has to be seen to be believed. It’s just something I think everyone should be aware of.
Season 2, Episode 1, Storyline D – “The Whirlpool”
Original Airdate: September 10, 1977
Before We Begin…
It’s time for “Magic, Part 1.” We see Wonder Woman swing into the Super Friends Magic Theater on a rope.
She tells us she’s going to show us a magic trick (they’re illusions, Wonder Woman) – “The Glass and Coin Mystery.” She puts some paper around a glass, puts that over a coin, then lifts the paper, and the coin is gone!
GASP. She says she’s going to tell us how she did it after the next story segment. No need, Wonder Woman. The animators didn’t draw the coin anymore after the glass was drawn over it. Duh.
The Whirlpool Short Synopsis: “In the wintery North Atlantic, a giant super tanker heads towards Nnnorway [narrator’s pronunciation].” The cocky captain of this vessel is trying to break the “speed record” to Nnnorway despite the terrible weather up ahead. His crew radios for help and Aquaman and Black Falcon are on the case.
Sorry Black Falcon, You’re Up
They run out of the Justice League and Black Falcon lets out a cry that sounds an awful lot like “Leeerooy Jenkinssss!” But instead of “Leroy Jenkins” he yells “Black Falcon,” obviously. I don’t know much about the Black Falcon. Apparently, when he flies, he turns into a fetal lightning bolt.
He can also throw lightning bolts, which can “seal that leaky bulkhead” and then also weld it closed.
WTF Screenshots
Aquaman on his “Aqua Scooter” being a jet ski douche bag. Because he loves the ocean and its wildlife?
Good Ol’ Fashioned Fist Shake
Followed by a Classic Point
Just so you can say you saw it (go on, brag about it at dinner with your friends), here’s the titular whirlpool. Everything Goes as Planned
This is Black Falcon and Aquaman’s faces crowded into the portal trying to convince the captain to stop acting like a crazy fool.
Then, they get caught in a cargo net.
Then, they get dropped and stuck in the “oil hole.”
Black Falcon gets them out of that situation. Really, all Aquaman has done so far is ask his glowing fish friends to show them where the ship was.
Ok, Let’s Wrap This Up
Aquaman dives under the water to keep the rudder straight and Black Falcon jump starts the engine to the ship, thus diverting disaster. They end the story with everyone laughing about how much of an asshole the captain is and how everyone almost died.
Magic Trick Part 2
Wonder Woman thinks she’s real, y’all, so here’s how she thinks she did the magic trick:
She took a circular piece of paper and attached it to the bottom of the glass, which matches the larger piece of paper the coin is on. So, you see, the coin never actually went anywhere! It had to continue to suffer existing in the Super Friends world. Poor coin.
You know this is going to be good.
Batman and Robin take an afternoon drive to a local farm to buy a snack.
Nuts for you, indeed.
Batman explains to Robin that “Fresh fruits and vegetables are some of the best snacks there are,” as if Robin is an idiot. Shut up, Batman.
I had an idea for a t-shirt and it’s terribly stupid. And, even though it is horribly punny, and I should be embarrassed by the idea itself, I feel the need to point out that this is just a rough mock-up.
Season 2, Episode 1, Storyline C – “Invasion of the Earthors”
Original Airdate: September 10, 1977
Short Synopsis: On some tourist island (the narrator must have been drinking because he completely slurred the name, it sounded like “Brun Frhyee”), a group of students gather at the top of a supposedly extinct volcano. “Another world, deep in the center of the earth, an industrial world, inhabited by strange, unknown creatures,” causes the volcano to erupt. This race of creatures, the Earthors, are rocky-stoney looking things who are very secure in their manliness as they ride around in giant hot pink vehicles.
Those fools are “melt[ing] away Earth’s stabilizing bedrock.” They call us “upper people.”
WTF Screenshots
“Oh, yeah, we can just drive the bus up there, no problem.”
I was so happy when I saw this glorious screwing around that I almost smiled. This is Jayna, in the form of an octopus, and Zan, in the form of a wave, practicing their powers by cleaning the Justice League headquarters. And I was worried they wouldn’t have time for this shit.
Even though they are entirely made of rock, and don’t wear clothes, this dude sports a belt:
Y’all, this is what happens when you cut stories short.
The Super Friends decide to split up to help the innocent people of Blahmrphflerp. Superman covers the air, Batman and Robin cover the land, and Wonder Woman and Aquaman cover the sea, because Aquaman can’t do anything right.
In season one, I often lamented that the Super Friends spent way too much time explaining how they got places and arranging for rides and pick-ups. But, in this episode, Batman and Robin speed off in their car, on the mainland, and, magically, almost instantly, end up on the Island of Blippity Bloop Bloop. A happy medium would be nice, Super Friends.
What? Your powers are complete bullshit and unhelpful in every way? Surely you jest!
So Jayna and Zan get caught by the Earthors, and decide to use their powers to escape the grip of the stone giants. This is what they came up with:
Within 3 seconds, the Earthors have figured out how to defeat this intimidating puddle-caterpillar combination:
I will love it and feed it and call it Jayna.This makes my heart soar.
But, get this: Jayna cocoons and turns into a butterfly, so she could fly out of her habitat and make contact with Zan and they both changed back.
BOOOOOO
Ohhhhh. Why didn’t you just say that?
De-coder
Last week seemed to promise a salacious and inappropriate secret word, but when you combined it with this weeks clue, the answer was “bedrock.” And not in a “I rocked your bed from the doin’ it we did” kind of way, but in the geological sense.
