Tag: I Made Something Up

She’s my pumpkin pie, warm boat of gravy such a sweet suprise-I got you a Thanksgiving card!

I found myself in the drugstore’s greeting card section yet again last week.

This time, the Halloween cards (which I really don’t see the point of) had been replaced with Thanksgiving cards. I don’t know why, but this seems even sillier than Halloween cards to me. And, as usual, there were categories which had wrong descriptions and cards. I have made the necessary corrections:

Because eating until you have to unbutton your pants naturally leads to doin' it.

I would like to preface the next two with the following fact: I work in dog rescue. I buy my dogs Christmas presents. We make up songs about our dogs and sing them to our dogs (“Your own, personal, Jenkins. Someone to give belly rubs, someone to snug….reach out and kiss face”). I even “understand” a birthday card from a dog (cats don’t give a shit). So when I say that there is a problem if you feel you need to buy or receive a Thanksgiving card from your pet, that means there’s a problem.


 

Conversation Piece Conversation: Bustier Lamp

Conversation Piece Conversation: Bustier Lamp

In order to save you money, I create conversations for the ebay conversation pieces so that you can enjoy them, move on, and spend your hard earned money on refrigerator magnets or rubber bands.

A homeowner and a fireman stand outside a house ravaged by fire.

Homeowner: How? How did this happen?

Fireman: Let me show you where the fire started. (Brings homeowner into house) There’s charring around this spot, here, near a wire frame that looks like half an hourglass.

Homeowner: Oh, man! That was my bustier lamp! Awww, look, a few of the beads at the top survived. You should have seen it, it was really sexy. I could have fit into it if it wasn’t a lamp.

Fireman: Ok.

Homeowner: Now I have to find a new house AND a new bustier lamp. That’s just great.

Fireman: Good luck.

Happy birthday, religious.

I’m not particularly fond of greeting cards. I don’t understand paying $3 for a folded piece of paper with a bunch of words you didn’t write expressing feelings you may or may not feel. I always buy unsentimental funny cards if I can find them. But, clearly, many, many people like greeting cards.

Looking through the cards at the drugstore yesterday, I noticed that they have any card you could ever need for “religious.” Since I don’t like cards and prefer to make my own, I did just that:

CPC: An old woman handed me this tribesman and-

Conversation Piece Conversation: Tribesman, Hand Carved

In order to save you money, I create conversations for the conversation pieces so that you can enjoy them, move on, and spend your hard earned money on hot dogs or socks.

John brings Reggie into his kitchen to show him his unique hand carved tribesman.

John: You’re not gonna believe it. It’s hand carved.

Reggie: Woowwww, look at all those cars!

John: Yeah, but-

Reggie: You didn’t tell me you collected miniature cars!

John: But the tribesman, the detail here-

Reggie: Is that a 57 Chevy?

John: Yes. An old woman handed me this tribesman and-

Reggie: How many cars are here? 50? 60?

John: I don’t know, Reggie.

Reggie: Can I have a grape?

John: They’re plastic.

Scene.

Conversation Piece Conversation: Brass Telescope

I used to write these for a website way back in the mid 2000s. The website shut down but the listings for conversation pieces never stopped. In order to save you money, I create conversations for the conversation pieces so that you can enjoy them, move on, and spend your hard earned money on hot dogs or socks.

Brass Telescope

Conversation Piece: Small Brass Telescope Unique Nice Conversation Piece

Setting: Suburbia

The doorbell rings. Mr. John Hodges walks to the door, instantly recognizing his lovely neighbor, Ms. Jane Grover.

John: Why hello! Do, come in. What a pleasant surprise!
Jane: Hi, Mr. Hodges.
John: Would you care for some lemonade?
Jane: No.

Jane walks over to a small table by a window in the living room.

John: Oh! You noticed my brass telescope! I got that off of Ebay, I thought it would be a perfect companion to my antique brass compa-
Jane: Stop using it to watch me take a shower.
John: Yes, ma’am.

Scene.