Category: Posts

I Bet You One Dollar We’ll Still be Married in Ten Years

My husband and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary last month. We’ve been together for 16 years total. Here’s a list of observations and advice after a decade of marriage:

1. If you don’t like dressing up, church, or being the center of attention, put up with your mom declaring she won’t plan your wedding for you, don’t plan your wedding for a few months, and then maybe you’ll get a big fat check from your parents to just go to the courthouse and get it over with. Worked for us.

2. Barring any accidents, if you spend years having the following conversation:

Husband: Do you want kids?
Wife: Dunno. You?
Husband: Dunno.

You will not end up with any kids.

3. If one of you is a vegetarian, and the other isn’t, don’t worry, there are plenty of unhealthy options for meals so that you can both grow fat together.

4. If you are too much alike, I highly recommend establishing very early in your relationship a designated person between the two of you to ask for help in home improvement stores. Otherwise, you will waste hours and hours of your life. As a compromise, the other one can be the designated take-out food phone caller.

5. Just keep in mind, every time you publicly declare on Facebook or Twitter that you are married to the best spouse ever in the history of man it is almost guaranteed that: 1. Ten other people have done the same within the hour and 2. You are probably also the type to declare your dissatisfaction with the idiot you married within 48 hours (we don’t do either of these things, but it is an observation from the last ten years).

6. After ten years, you will both laugh at how you used to be embarrassed to fart in front of each other and wish that the other person still was.

7. Consider your adult acne a sign that your love is as youthful as it was when you were teenagers.

8. Life is all about compromise. I’m not an outdoorsy person and he is, so I let him do all the yard work.

9. Make wagers. Don’t argue unnecessarily, make bets. If it’s something that’s factual and can be resolved later (how tall is Uncle Stanley, do we have milk at home, did Meryl Streep star in 227) bet a buck and move on. Save the time you would spend arguing over minutiae and spend it discussing things you both hate, together.

10. If you pretend to shiv each other with your car keys as a sign of affection, then you should be good for the next ten years.

Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Super Friends S1 Ep10

This is part of my weekly Saturday Morning installment dedicated to archiving and commenting on the wonderful “what else can we put in here to make it an hour” ridiculousness that is the cartoon series, Super Friends.

Season 1 – Episode 10: “The Fantastic Frerps”

Airdate was November 10, 1973.

Short Synopsis: This episode didn’t mess around – BOOM – we’re introduced to “King Plasto” and his personal jester, Styro. King Plasto wants to create his own country. He  is the inventor or F.R.E.R.P. (Fiber Reinforced Epoxy Resin Plastic). No, wait, sorry – King Plasto says anyone can make FRERP, but he added a secret ingredient, which apparently allows him to make working duplicates of anything that expand out of a pantyhose egg. Really:

He’s stealing all the research and plastic shipments that are supposed to belong to G.R.E.P.S.

G.R.E.P.S – Government Research and Experiment Project for Space

Turns out Super Friends playing golf is no more interesting to watch than regular people playing golf.
The Super Friends dickin’ around – practicing for a charity golf event they plan to attend, notice Wendy and Marvin holding hands, like a couple of creepy ghosts:

The golfing took up about 15 minutes of the show.
Aaaaaand, here they are, at the event, at the Haunted Hills Golf Course, which is being televised: “As the Super Friends continue to display their dazzling array of golf tricks…” – Narrator



Which Way to the Gun Show, Superman?
“Great Scott! I keep forgetting how strong I am.” – Superman

W.T.F. Screen Shots
The Anagram Board at Justice League Headquarters. Because that many villains use anagrams in the Super Friends Universe.

Superman flies face first into a rubbery plastic flying saucer and loses his flying grace:

The Batmobile drives over an egg with a ferris wheel in it, and then gets stuck on top of it.

I Learned a New Word from Super Friends!
Perspicacious – adjective – having keen mental perception and understanding.

In a sentence: “A very perspicacious suggestion, Wendy.” – Batman
Another example: “The Super Friends writers are not perspicacious when it comes to science and the mechanics of plastic.” – Me

How to Make Frerp, a Guide

Wonder Woman Says Things Funny

She pronounces eggs, “ayggs.” When she was cracking open Plasos’ ayggs, a “robutt” goose came out of one.

Would You Please Pass the Super Salt
And, lastly, in case you were wondering, here’s the seating arrangement when the Super Friends eat their “fabulous victory dinners,” prepared by Wendy:

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, the first season is available on DVD.

Pop Culture Roundup – What My Eyeballs Have Been Watching

In my ongoing effort to not have to read books or visit art museums, I’ve been continuing to revisit some of my favorite movies because local theaters keep deciding to show them on the big screen. I’m a sucker for this gimmick.

There’s also been a few things that I hadn’t seen before that I enjoyed. So, without further ado, here’s what I saw in the last week or two:

Things I Hadn’t Seen Before:

1. Army of Darkness – I loved this movie. I had seen the first two Evil Dead movies, but not this one. So, at first, in the theater, I was surprised to hear that someone had brought their approx. 10 year old kid with them. Then, I realized, this movie is perfect for 10-12 year old boys, which is also pretty much my maturity level. Bruce Campbell is the awesome. It’s silly and snarky and not too gory.

2. West Side Story – I somehow had managed to not see this movie before now. It was a special Fathom Events release celebrating the movie’s 50th anniversary/Blu Ray release. Fun facts: Russ Tamblyn, who plays Riff, played Dr. Jacobi on Twin Peaks – that blew my mind. And, he’s Amber Tamlyn’s dad (she’s from Joan of Arcadia – just for reference, I didn’t watch that show). Also, I really want Maria’s stain-glass french doors:

These doors are pretty, oh so pretty

3. Attack the Block – (Saw this one on DVD) Aliens invade London and a street gang has to defend their turf. Edgar Wright, who directed Shaun of the Dead, produced the movie, and Nick Frost, who starred in Shaun of the Dead, is also in it. As I love Shaun of the Dead, I figured I would like this movie, too. I did (not as much as Shaun, but that would be extremely hard to do). The aliens are visually interesting. I had a dream about them. My brain completely ripped off the movie to make it.

Things I Had Seen Before:

1. The Great Muppet Caper – I wrote about going to see the first one. Last weekend was The Great Muppet Caper, this weekend will be Muppets Take Manhattan.This movie is funny. It’s so, so great.  Here’s one of my favorite scenes:

2. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure – I love this movie. Tim Burton’s first feature-length film. I saw this movie in the theater when it came out. Large Marge truly startled me when she went bug eyed – it’s so silly now, but back then I jumped in my seat. This movie is about a boy (ok, man-child) and his bike. There’s pretty much nothing about this movie I don’t like. It’s funny, it’s from the 80s, AND it’s retro within that time frame – perfect. And, it has one of the best scenes ever about responsibility, life, getting shit done, and being a good person. How many of us have searched for their own basement in The Alamo only to find out it doesn’t exist?

The big difference with seeing this movie in the theater the first time and now is that this time I got to drink a Margarita while I watched it this time. Nice.

Anybody else seen something for the first time they liked or revisited a favorite movie lately?

 

Discrimination!

Found this at my local Kroger Grocery Store

What about kids with Awkward, Drunk, Passive Aggressive, Yelling, Emotionally Distant Families, etc.? Where’s their play sets? Not at the Kroger, that’s where.

And then, to add insult to injury they have this:

Stick your finger in here and have a taste of what you can never have. The Horror! Look at those assholes, just smiling, mocking you and your non-happy family-having finger.

Also, if you are getting your kid a present at the grocery store, it’s most likely 11pm on Christmas Eve. So, if this was meant to be an ironic product, then kudos.

Disney survey from the Future! The roast futurebeast was delicious, thank you for asking.

Disney sent me a survey about my experience during a trip I will take in June of 2015. I’m not clairvoyant like Disney apparently is, so I did my best to give them the feedback they wanted.

1. Your overall experience and value: It was glurptastic (projected 2015 lingo for “fun”)!

2. Your experience with the rides, shows, attractions, and entertainment: The Carousel of Progress is terribly out of date. There’s not a single mention of the Robotic Revolution in May 2013.

3. Your experience with the characters: Overall, I would say it was nice. However, Mickey Mouse got stuck in “hug mode” and it took them 3 hours to pry me loose.

4. Your experience with the food offered: For the fine dining, the roast futurebeast was delicious. For your quick service establishments, there was much to be desired. I mean, seriously, how long does it take to get a food pill out of the bottle? Quick, my ass.

5. Your experience shopping: The eye scanner nearly blinded me. I’ll just leave it at that.

6. The cast members/employees: All were well-oiled machines and/or properly brainwashed. Kudos.

7. Any special or magical experiences you had: I’d never seen a hover scooter before until now – truly magical. Makes me wish I was fatter.

8. Any challenges or difficulties you encountered: Mission to Actual Mars was great on the way, but once you get there, there’s nothing to do. Bor.ing.

9. Some details about yourself: I live in North Carolina with a vacation home on the moon. I can afford it because I won the lottery. I was also voted Overload of all Dominion – I didn’t even run, it was all write-in votes!

I was expecting a personal call of thanks from an unfrozen Walt Disney from the future, but all I got was an e-mail apologizing for the “error.” Yeah, whatever, Diz, you know I helped. You know it.