There’s still time to disappoint someone for Valentine’s Day!

Everybody calm down. I know, you’re scrambling, trying to come up with something extra special to give your lady on Valentine’s Day. It’s only two days away, but don’t panic, I’m here to help. I’ve curated for you only the best, most finest, lovingest, romantical, guaranteed smooch-getting gifts you can bestow upon your better or lesser half.

The first obvious Valentine’s Day gift is flowers. But I didn’t want to recommend plain ol’ flowers, we all know about those. So I did an Amazon search for “flowers” and this showed up so why not:

Smurf Fan
“Baby, I think more of you than the roses every other woman gets. Here’s a Smurf fan pull for you, my special lady.” (NOTE: I would actually like this more than real flowers, so I can only assume all women would).


The second obvious gift is diamonds. Everyone knows diamonds are a girls best friend, but you know what? That educational song was written way back in the 1940s, well before the development of GIGANTIC LIGHT UP RINGS.

Gigantic Ring
Do real diamonds have flashing light effects? No. Do real diamonds come in lady-pink cardboard boxes with delightfully literal descriptions? No. Are real diamond rings so small that they end up lost down the drain? Yes. She will never lose this flashing, giant symbol of your love for her.


The high class art lover deserves the finest, most classy of gifts.

The FINEST urine.

You want to recognize and embrace her feminine side, but you also want to celebrate her professionalism. DUH:

Maxi Pad Sticky Notes.
Maxi Pad Sticky Notes.

Has your lady been bothering you to teach her how to change a tire but all you have at your disposal are regular tools and you’re a tool? Have no fear, the solution is here!

Ladies Wrench
It is a wrench just for the ladies! She doesn’t actually have to use it, she just has to hold it up to some nuts and it will nag them into unscrewing themselves. Women, am I right!?

Remember that time you and your honey went on that long weekend to Colonial Williamsburg, and she got a terrible case of diarrhea, and you tried to comfort her by saying, “at least we aren’t in the REAL colonial times Williamsburg, you’d be stuck on a chamber pot!” but she really wasn’t amused? Well, remember that moment forever by adding a charm to her charm bracelet!

toilet charm
Women LOVE jewelry!

I’ve found you six wonderful options and statistically there’s no way your lady won’t love at least one of them. Get ready for some major gratitude if you know what I mean (finally, the couch all to yourself!).

Good Valentimes, everybody.

12 thoughts on “There’s still time to disappoint someone for Valentine’s Day!”

  1. If I received any of those for Valentine’s Day, I might be looking for a new Valentine. Except for the Smurf, because obviously that is the bomb!

  2. I have been over-thinking why anyone would want a toilet charm. I can only come up with a plumber or a fecal fetishist. Going to stick with plumber since the mental images are kinder.

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