Tag: Pop Culture

It’s been a couple of weeks, I know. And it’s high time I do a new installment of Super Friends. Buuuut – it’s the holidays, and to really give it the attention it deserves (I can’t believe I just wrote that), I’m going to hold off one more week before we dive into another storyline.

So, this week it’s a quick trip through the safety segment.

Two kids race down a hill on their bikes. They stop and the girl says, “I WIN! Let’s do it again, this time with no hands!”

Batman and Robin drive up in the Batmobile. Off-road. They just pull up in their car on the freshly mowed grass like the world is their pavement. To teach a lesson about safety.

 

The kids then ask Batman and Robin if they want to watch them race down the hill using no hands, and Robin asks, “Hey, isn’t that dangerous?” Well, Robin, if you guys don’t know…

“The only thing showing off does is give you a chance to get hurt,” Batman condescends. The kids say they hadn’t thought about that and then Batman and Robin head out WAIT A SECOND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?

 

A fucking road appears out of nowhere to try and make Batman and Robin look less like the jackasses we all know they are.

And look! They obviously stole those children’s bikes, too. Sure, Batman, all in the name of safety, asshole.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9, Storyline A – “Attack of the Giant Squid”

Original Airdate – October 29, 1977

Short Synopsis: “Deep in the depths of the Phillippine Sea, strange experiments are taking place in the remote underwater laboratory of Dr. Pisces.” – Narrator

How strange? I’m just going to have to quote directly:

“This electrode device we’ve implanted will enlarge this squid to twenty times its size. And, when we set him loose, the device will cause his ink to spread and enlarge all other marine life to enormous proportions.” – Dr. Pisces

GIANT CLAM BAKE!

Dr. Pisces’ assistant seems to think it’s a bad idea, but the Doc says it will solve the world’s food shortage. The assistant warns The Super Friends, because he hates starving people – or loves starving people – in any case, The Super Friends are aware.

You can tell that Dr. Pisces is the one in the wrong in the “let’s make sea life even more bigger” argument because of the goatee-beard combo:

Superman made the major mistake of standing beside Aquaman during the Trouble Alert, so he get stuck helping out.

“Instantly, Superman and Aquaman race to the Philippine Sea.” – Narrator

I would joke that of course they did it instantly, but we all know that the Super Friends take. their. damn. time. So, it makes sense that the Narrator specifies.

 “Superman, those aren’t whales, they’re monster sized tuna.” – Aquaman

“Meanwhile, a luxury ocean liner steams peacefully along, completely unaware of the fate that awaits it.” – Narrator.

Yeeeahhh, Narrator, pretty much every ocean liner isn’t aware of it’s fate because ocean liners aren’t self aware OR clairvoyant.

The squid takes the whole ship under, but the crew made it water tight, so they’re safe…for now!

I know this is going to come to a shock to some of you. Most likely, you’re already sitting down, but if you aren’t, I suggest you find a fainting couch or bean bag chair. If you are ready to hear this earth shattering news, proceed below:

Aquaman tries to telepathically control the squid but can’t.

I’ll give you a minute to let it sink in…

Aquaman is like, “hey stop that!” but with those sonic circles and the squid is all, “haha, no” but instead of saying it, he just keeps sinking the ship. It is really action packed.

Superman and Aquaman decide the only way to stop the squid is to get it back to normal size, so they look for Dr. Pisces.

“Dr. Pisces is going to have an uninvited guest…by the name of SUPERMAN!!!” – Superman

Superman, you are sharing a storyline with AQUAMAN. You have to work really hard to seem more silly than him, and yet there you are, breaking a sweat being a big ol’ dork.

“HELP! LET ME OUT!” Yells Dr. Pisces’ assistant from inside a closet.

“There’s someone behind that door!” Superman seems to need to exclaim to himself. Oy.

Mr. Assistant hands Superman some device that will shrink the squid, and so Superman LEAVES without doing anything about Dr. Pisces.

Oh, it’s one of THOSE storylines.

Yes, it’s that time again for something stupid to happen to Superman so that the other super hero can save him and look cool. This time, Superman, while drilling a hole in a cave (literally, you perverts) is struck by a kryptonite ray thanks to Dr. Pisces, who Superman didn’t do anything about previously.

Aquaman disables the kryptonite ray with some electric eels and then apprehends Dr. Pisces in the best worst way:

They shrink the squid, the luxury liner gets returned to the top of the sea (none the wiser), and Dr. Pisces is delivered to the authorities.

Back at the League Headquarters, it’s time for the story ending zinger! This week it comes from Superman – “Who’d want to eat an 100 pound shrimp cocktail!”

Ha ha ha. Maybe starving people?

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 8, Storyline D – “River of Doom”

Original Airdate – October 22, 1977

Short Synopsis: Did you miss it? I didn’t do one last week because I’m lazy family time is so important during Thanksgiving. So we’re back in the saddle this week for another terrible adventure with a bunch of super losers.

Oh, yes! It’s LADIES NIGHT!

More like River of Va-Va-Va-Voom! (I’m sorry).

“The Amazon Jungle, a green cloak that hides incrrrredible dangers, where three geologists search for valuable mineral deposits vital to the future development of Brazil.” – Narrator

One of the geologists finds this:

And you know, as soon as you see something like that, in a story set in the Amazon, that all cultural sensitivity has flown out the window.

“It’s a burial necklace. This must be sacred Jivaro burial ground!” – Lady Geologist

“The Jivaro are head hunters! We are in great danger!” – Dude Geologist #1

Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way: if you would like to learn more about Jivaro peoples/history, do not refer to this Super Friends episode, for that would be silly. Go here, here, or here. Moving on…

The good: the geologists immediately recognize their mistake, re-bury the necklace, and try to put everything back the way it was.

The bad:

Yeah. The Jivaro throw a net over the three geologists and kidnap them.

Later, at the Hall of Justice

Some dude in a suit tells the Super Friends he’s worried about the geologists.

Rima is there – remember Rima? She is of the jungle and can talk to animals. Now you’re all caught up.

She explains to everyone that the Jivaro are normally peaceful people, “but if they are angered, there’s no telling what they could do.” Way to try and soften the blow, Rima.

 Even more later, back in the jungle

The Jivaro have the geologists sequestered in a hut, and they drew them a picture of how they’re going to punish them:

The geologists also mention piranhas but I don’t think the Jivaro drew any. Ok, fine, here, I drew you a piranha:

He’s wearing a top hat because he has a charity ball he’s attending later in the evening. They aren’t always eating an entire horse in 30 second flat, they have other interests! His name is Paulie and he has a wife (Jasmine) and four kids (Scooter, Brian, Flannigan, and Charade). He’s never met Aquaman but he’s heard some things.

Rima and Wonder Woman land in the jungle, and Rima does her Tarzan Rima Call to get the local animals to look for the geologists.

They find the Jivaros and the geologists freshly tied to a log. “We have to lure the Jivaros away from the log,” strategizes Rima. So, she says she’s going to “cover them with a dust screen,” and then she does this:

=

“Wonder Woman, hurry! The Jivaros have released the log!”

You know who else released a log? The writers.

Follow That Log

As the log rushes down the river, Wonder Woman pursues it in a canoe, followed by the Jivaro pursuing Wonder Woman. In order to slow down the Jivaro, Rima summons the Olympic gold metal Synchronized Alligatoring pair to help out.

You can see why they won the gold. This was before steroids and judge bribery took over the sport.

Wonder Woman saves the geologists, and then everyone gathers around in a perfect union of understanding and helpfulness. The Jivaros now understand the geologists didn’t mean to desecrate their specific grounds – just the area around them, and all is well.

 Health

A young man walks down a deserted road. Superman shows up out of nowhere and asks him what he’s doing there.

Superman tells him that he’s right “not to get involved in the drug scene, nobody with any sense will have any part of it.” Superman just admitted to doing drugs.

 

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 8 – Extra Segments

Original Airdate – October 22, 1977

This week we look at our decoder clues and magic trick.

Decoder, Part I

The decoder clues unveil a word that applies to last week’s story. This one is another strange, unexplained plot involving Batman and Robin.

Batman and Robin are driving around at night. Ok, fine, they must do that all the time since that’s probably when they go on their crime patrols. Robin then says, “boy, I could sure use a good night’s sleep, Batman.” Alright, ok, Robin isn’t up for a patrol, I guess? I suppose Batman can just drive Robin home and-

“There’s a place right there where we can stop, Robin!” – Batman

“I hope the beds are good Batman, I’m ready for some serious slumber!” – Robin.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Are they on a road trip? What is happening?

“Hold on, Robin, there’s something we need to take care of before we check in.” – Batman

Oh, God, what? *puts hands over eyes in horror, peeks through fingers*

“The first clue to the code!” – Batman

Phewwwww.

“The name of the place we’re parked in front of, and I’ll give you a hint, the word’s NOT hotel,” Batman clues.

 Decoder, Part II

Batman looks at some kind of radar something and cheerily declares, “looks like everything’s all clear!” ALL CLEAR FROM WHAT!? The local authorities because you’ve brought a teenage boy to a hotel? What!?

Things get even more odd. “Great! Now, let’s get some rest,” Robin kind of begs.

“NOT UNTIL WE GIVE THE SECOND CLUE TO THE CODE,” Batman testily replies. He really seems to be annoyed at this point.

“Suffering Shut Eye, Batman, I hope it isn’t a hard one!” – Robin

Hard one? HAHAHAHAHAHA *composes self*

“It’s the first four letters of the name of the divisions on the radar screen.” – Batman.

Dear God in heaven up above, now I need a fucking nap.

“Those are called ‘sectors.’ Is sectors the second clue?” – Robin

“The first four letters are you sleepy idiot who wasn’t listening when I clearly stated it was the first four letters.” – Batman

Batman asks Robin if he can stay awake long enough to guess the code word in the exact same tone parents ask their kids if they can hold their pee long enough to get to the next gas station.

Robin yawns and says he thinks so.

Decoder III

TWIST – he couldn’t stay awake.

Batman rouses Robin and demands to know the code word. Robin explains that it is “insect.” Batman then says, “not too bad for someone who fell asleep on the job.” Daaaaaammmnnnn. Then, they both laugh uproariously at Robin’s incompetence.

HA! HA! Robin sucks.

Magic Trick

Magic Trick Time! This week Aquaman will be our magician. Great.

Aquaman is in the ocean – not the specially built magic theater that probably cost a fortune – swimming around aimlessly. Really. He can’t find a sunken treasure and is looking for it with no luck. Then, an octopus takes pity on him and points him in the right direction:

“Thanks for the head!” says Aquaman. Thanks for the head? Is that a thing, I mean other than what you would say after you got a blowjob?

Aquaman finds the treasure and tells us that the trick he shall teach us is called “The Disappearing Coin Illusion.” He puts the coin in his hand, closes his palm, opens it again, and the coin is GONE! Gasp! Here’s how it’s done:

Step two and a half: close your palm and have your finger in contact with the dime. Hover your hand over your fist to buy time, then:

Then, close your hand again and “release” the dime from your nail.

That’s all fine and dandy, but may I remind you, Aquaman, that YOU ARE UNDER WATER. There’s no way that worked.

 

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.