What about kids with Awkward, Drunk, Passive Aggressive, Yelling, Emotionally Distant Families, etc.? Where’s their play sets? Not at the Kroger, that’s where.
And then, to add insult to injury they have this:
Stick your finger in here and have a taste of what you can never have. The Horror! Look at those assholes, just smiling, mocking you and your non-happy family-having finger.
Also, if you are getting your kid a present at the grocery store, it’s most likely 11pm on Christmas Eve. So, if this was meant to be an ironic product, then kudos.
You know those days when you wake up, and the sun is shining, and it’s November, and it’s not too hot and it’s not too cold, and you decide to check your e-mail on your phone from the comfort of your warm bed – and there’s a turd of an e-mail sitting in your inbox. And that e-mail says, in coded language, “I just woke up, being the sour person I am everyday, and decided to take it out on you.” And then, another person responds to that e-mail and says, in coded language, “Yeah, and I’m going to back them up because I’m also quite the pill.” And then that once promising day turns into a rage/depression combo day. That was yesterday.
The day before yesterday, Tom and I went to see The Muppet Movie (not the new one, the first one in 1979) at a movie theater on the big screen. It was so great – I’ve seen the movie several times, but was too young to see it in the theater when it came out. As with many people from my generation, The Muppets are very important to me, and so was Jim Henson.
The Muppets are amazing. They are genuine. They are quirky and unique. The weird ones embrace their weirdness, and the less weird ones appreciate the weird ones with affection and true friendship. They apologize to each other. They are not petty and vindictive – their flaws are human and forgivable. But, it isn’t all about “lessons” – there are jokes, they don’t take everything overly seriously, and other than the fabulous Miss Piggy, it’s never “all about them.” Then, like a cherry on top, they actually have two characters whose sole existence is to ridicule them (Statler and Waldorf). To someone who abhors over-sentimentality, this combination is absolutely perfect.
The Muppet Movie can have one of the sincerest songs ever written, “The Rainbow Connection,” which, if sung by a human, would be sappy and hippie dippy, but when sung by a frog in a swamp with the voice of Jim Henson, makes me want to cry just thinking about it…
And, it can have Steve Martin waiting on a frog an a pig on a date.
Basically, the best of both worlds.
I remember where I was when I found out Jim Henson died. I was in a mini van with my family in Ahoskie, N.C. – where my dad was from, visiting my grandma. Jim Henson had actually been in Ahoskie – a very, very small, obscure town – about a week before, visiting his father and step mother. When you find out that Jim Henson was in the tiny town your dad grew up, visiting his own dad, the world seems a little smaller, and the world of The Muppets a little more possible, even with the loss of their creator.
What The Muppets do so well, and what I need to do better, is they don’t deny that there’s crap in the world, or even that an e-mail can make a day go off its rails. They live in a world of true setbacks, and even some genuine assholes (the villain doesn’t come around to their point of view), but they also don’t let those things dictate the kind of day they’re going to have (but they let themselves feel bummed, too), because ultimately they are the ones who control whether to make the best of something or let it get them down. And, then, just before everything gets too sunshines and friendship, you hear:
Statler: Hey look, Waldorf, it’s a frog and a pig.
Waldorf: Yeah, looks like they’re in love.
Statler: Yeah.
Waldorf: Kind of makes you sick, doesn’t it?
Both: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
In conclusion, I love you, Muppets. And I hope to God your new movie is good and does you justice.
Driving up to North Carolina takes about 6 hours. This usually means having to make a stop or two. On the way this time I stopped at a quaint little rest area in South Carolina.
It may look unassuming, and while they may not have decorated with the usual pumpkins, hay bales, and scarecrows, they made up for it in the bathroom. While I was in a stall, the person in the stall beside me was doing something really strange (and I’ve seen more than enough “strangeness” in public bathrooms these days). It sounded like they were tapping something against the wall. As soon as I opened the door and came out, so did the person beside me. It was a large set lady in what looked like a lab coat.
I completely ignored her and began to wash my hands, but I heard her giggling and she said:
“Hey there! I’m not going to kill you with a screwdriver. I just work here, I’m the supervisor.”
I looked down, and yes, she did have a screwdriver. I almost joked, “You’re just going to maim me, right?” But I didn’t want to give her any ideas. So, I said “ok” and finished washing my hands.
It was pretty cool, like a really cheery, reassuring haunted house. It was also pretty cool because she was telling the truth that she was not going to kill me – that would have ruined the whole thing.
Overall, it was a nice visit. It’s tradition that I do something annoying to remind my mom that it really isn’t all that great to have me stay there and this time was no exception.
Everyone knows what Cinderella’s castle looks like. Plus, screw her and her fancy schmancy high-value location abode. Instead, here’s a random selection of things I found worthy of photographing. And I promise this is the last of squeezing content from the Orlando stone.
These were "pay phones." You used to use them to make phone calls. Now, they are used to decorate awesome dinoaur/Route 66-themed restaraunts.Speaking of vintage dinosaurs, someone please find me this pink ceramic stegosaurus ceramic cookie jar. Christmas is right around the corner.Here's a picture of me, holding my charging phone and a ball of light, wearing my Shaun of the Dead shirt.I want the phrase "nine pound lemons" to replace "brass balls."This dragon dressed as a skunk farted in our faces and made us miss the Touch and Taste segment of the 5 senses tour. Then we had to see him taking a bath on the ceiling of his home. It was a whole ordeal.If I had focused as hard at school as I did helping out Buzz Lightyear, I may have been a better student.This pair of Chip and Dales were from the future. They were looking for someone named John Connor.
WARNING: This post is about excrement. Or poo. Doody. The Brown Menace. Whatever you want to call it. And, I call it shit, so that word is smeared all over this post.
DISCLAIMER: This is based on MY experience. I’m sure people also shit all over Disney World bathroom floors, I just didn’t see it. I also decided to give teenagers the benefit of the doubt and assumed it was a grown-ass adult who did it.
Universal Studios has a whole “we’re not Disney” spin and vibe to their theme parks. It’s really the best way to go. Their Halloween parties are actually meant to be scary, they have more thrill-oriented roller coaster, etc. Disney focuses a lot on “experience.” So I always think of Disney as polished and Universal as a little rough around the edges, which isn’t a bad thing. Until I see shit on the floor.
And, I know, these are theme parks. People are drinking vats of soft drinks and eating more liquid cheese than they do on average. Public restrooms aren’t pretty, and theme park restrooms are expected to be a certain level of unpleasant. I have been lucky enough in my life to never have a job that involves cleaning bathrooms, so to everyone who ever has had a job like that, I would like to say: if there is any special place in heaven for any kind of person, I hope with all my heart that you are the people designated.
I’ve seen a lot, even in my not-having-to-clean-up-human-shit-innocence. I’ve seen the unholy trinity – pee, poop, and sanitary products – swirled together in a mélange of “there is no God” combinations and artistry that makes you wonder if life is worth continuing with. But this was something, what’s the opposite of “divine?”
It was a nice, big dollop of a turd, about one foot from a pristinely clean toilet. It wasn’t the usual “whoa, things really got out of hand” scene where there was an obvious attempt, at least at first, of getting it all in the toilet. No. This was there, just mocking the whole idea of toilets and all the rules placed around using the bathroom that keeps this delicate society together. It said “Yeah, there’s a toilet a foot away, and you know what? I’m doing juuust fine right here, buddy.” Here’s is my recreation of the vision:
I turned the corner of the stall, saw it, slowly backed away, and went to the furthest stall from it I could find. Then, I got to hear other people’s reactions to it because it was in an open-door stall, like a crowded public bathroom siren. The first one I heard was a lady with her kid. I heard “Oh, gosh, no. C’mon, this way. Ugh, people can be so…indiscrete.” I don’t know if this lady is the nicest human being on the planet and that’s truly the meanest thing she could come up with, if she was censoring in front of her kid, or if her brain got jumbled from the sight and that was the first thing that came up, but “indiscrete” isn’t how I would put it.
When I told my husband about it, he pondered how that person could afford to be in Universal Studios, which I have demonstrated with this diagram:
And, I’m also not completely delusional. I know what I saw isn’t even the worst of the infractions that occur when some people decide they need to go. I actually think this particular violation is probably only in the 75th percentile of indiscrete-ness:
