Posts – Page 38 – Cannibalistic Nerd

I’m tired and have a cold, so I’m just going to throw pictures at you and call it a post.

This Christmas it was my turn to get sick. Usually Tom or I get sick, and since last year was a Christmas miracle and neither one of us got sick, this year turned out to be my year.

My brain is being a bitch and won’t put together any kind of logical, linear narrative or post, so here’s a collection of pictures from what I’ve been doing.

We’re spending the week in N.C. with my mom and sister. The drive from Georgia takes about 6 hours, which inevitably means a bathroom break. Last time I was assured at a South Carolina rest stop I wouldn’t be stabbed with a screwdriver. This time, at a gas station, was a sign that reminded me that I was using the bathroom in a gas station:

Then, we went on a walk, and Tom made the observation that the people who lived here must have started having their house painted, then noticed they loved the color of the painter’s tape so much, they switched it up.

And on the walk, both of the dogs kept peeing on red fire hydrants. I boooed at them every time. It’s so cliched and expected. The only saving grace is that we know they aren’t doing it ironically because in real life, there are no doggie hipsters.

I looked through the photo albums at my mom’s house, as I often do, because I live in the past. I found a picture from the year Santa brought me my Wonder Woman sleeping bag, and I had just found it in the 1983 Sears WishBook on the Wish Book Web:

I also found a picture of me trying to fit in my arms all the Care Bear figures my grandma got me. And I’m sure she rolled her eyes and mentioned how spoiled I was because that’s the kind of grandma she was:

And, this Christmas, Santa left me a nice stash of Nerds to cannibalize:

I hope you all had and are having a happy holiday. And may all of you and your family members come out the other side un-strangled.

Lite-Brite, Lite-Brite, Turn on the Magic of Disappointing Lights

Lite-Brite. I wanted a Lite-Brite so bad when I was a kid but never got one. You could turn on the magic of colored lights with it and my mom didn’t even care. She said she didn’t want to step on all the little lights and then clog the vacuum with them because I wouldn’t clean up after myself. Just because something is true doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get a Lite-Brite.

When we moved when I was 9, our new neighbors had a Lite-Brite. I wouldn’t call the turning on of colored lights “magic,” it was more of a “huh” experience. And, I distinctly remember all of us kids moving on to something else and not cleaning up the Lite Brite.

The Lite-Brite commercials were a miraculous acheivement in advertising:

This commercial is 30 seconds long. The amount of fun you can have with a Lite-Brite is 31 seconds. The euphoria you feel watching the commercial: the lights, “all the things you can do with it,” a birthday party… it all ends right before the crushing realization that this thing, this Lite Brite, is not the end all and be all of everything that is fun and wonderful. And, let’s quickly break down everything they do in this commercial:

– Couple of examples of the template pictures – a clown, a ballerina.
– “Here’s Suzy.” Suzy took the time to make a Lite-Brite sign before she dismembered her family with an ax.
– Two kids, EACH WITH THEIR OWN LITE-BRITE, the little richies, doing more templates
– A little boy makes a good night sign for his absentee father. He has plenty of time to do it because he’s so lonely.
– Someone made a “Happy Birthday” sign with it for some kid’s party. And whomever that poor kid is, they weren’t allowed to blow their own candles out by themselves.

None of these things seem like fun at all when you stop to think about them. It’s the colors and the quick editing. Somehow, they created a commercial that made one of the most boringest things ever (that doesn’t even come with it’s own light bulb and oh-my-god it’s just a fucking light bulb with a shoebox over it) seem like heroin, crack, and candy all rolled into one.

And here’s an older one, I love the lame, generic promise of being able to “make people, animals, things.”

So, my mom never had to vacuum up lite-brite pegs, and I still learned the valuable lesson of something not being as awesome as it seemed. But you know what WAS awesome, that I used over and over again, and loved to no end? Fashion Plates. I may have only worn jeans and t-shirts (still do), but I’ll cobble together an amazing look for a fashion plate. This ad is for versions newer than mine was, and the New Kids on the Block version is hilarious:

Anybody have a Lite-Brite and love it? What other toys crushed your soul after you realized they sucked?

Christmas Craft: Humane Rat’s Nest Ornament

While shopping online, I found this ornament:

It’s a ball of “exotic fur” that would go on your Christmas tree because we haven’t found enough things to make out of dead animals.

But, what if you don’t have $36 for whatever the hell that thing is, and want something like it? That’s what I’m here for.

I’ve come up with two humane ways to reproduce this glorious holiday accessory for little to no money. The chinchillas and/or rats will thank you for your willingness to craft equally beautiful hair-related ornaments.

Project 1: I Just Got My Hair Cut Ornament

Supplies: 1. Lint roller 2. Hair

Directions:
1. Go get your hair cut.
2. Have the following conversation with the nice lady at the salon:
You (bending down with a plastic bag): I’m taking my hair. It’s, uh, for a project.
Lady: Oh! Ok. Is it for your garden?
You: ………………………………………yes.
Pray that you do not open up a conversation about gardens and hair because you kinda heard that once but have no idea about the details of why people put hair in gardens.
3.   Have the hair sit around your house in a bag on the kitchen counter because you are a big procrastinating freak.
4.   Spread hair out onto a white paper towel.
5.   Roll lint roller around in it.
6.   Tie a piece of rope to the convenient hole in the handle.
7.   Voila! You have a festive, humane ornament with goddamn hair on it, just like you always wanted.

Project 2: Celebrity “Hair” Ornament

Supplies: 1. Lint roller 2. Print out of pictures of a celebrity whose hair will work for this project. 3. Optional festive ribbon.

1.   Print out your chosen picture.
2.   Cut out the hair part.

3.   Wrap the hair parts around the lint roller (I also used some tape to really get the look I “wanted”).
4.   Add festive ribbon.
5.   Voila! You now have an ornament that says “I printed out pictures of Donald Trump and stuck them onto a lint roller.”

You could also achieve the same effect with your pet’s hair if you have enough of it. Or, you could find some roadkill and attach a festive ribbon to it. However you do it, the end result will be that you didn’t spend $36 on a ball of hair, and that to me, is the very essence of what the holidays are all about.

Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Making a Point

Due to a crummy week, I didn’t get around to viewing the next episode of Super Friends. So, instead I will share with you a collection I’ve been compiling. The Super Friends, and, really, all Hanna-Barbera characters, loooove to point in the air. Not at things, at thoughts. Whenever anyone thinks of or remembers something, they point.

I’m still waiting for an Aquaman and Robin point, but I know it will happen or I’ve missed it, there’s no way they don’t exist. What does it say about Aquaman and Robin that their lack of pointing potentially correlates with their overall value as members of the Justice League? Discuss.

And now, “Pointing: A Study of the Genesis of Ideas and Memories in the World of The Super Friends.”