Hoooo, boy. I’m suffering from a serious bout of “writer’s block.” I put that in quotations because I think it’s kind of silly to say that I can’t think of something like how a pillow with a mustache scares me to write about is actual writer’s block. I have Stupid Observation Worth Coming Up With Accompanying Dumb Words and Images Block.
So, while I suffer from the lack of things to point and laugh at, I guess I’ll fill you in on what I’ve been up to as a living human being.
THE BIG NEWS
On Monday, I was outside with my adorable 4 year old niece. She was on her scooter, having a good time. She reached a spot in the middle of the road that caught her eye. She called me over, “CARRIE! Come here! Come look at this! I want you to see something!”
Awww, I thought to myself, she must have found a caterpillar or a penny. It’s so sweet that she wants to share these little moments with me. I jogged up to the spot she was pointing at, and looked down. I didn’t really see anything.
“That’s where I threw up.”
It wasn’t where she had just thrown up, it was where she had thrown up some time in the past. I’m guessing there’s not a historical marker up yet because of the typical snails pace of the government.
THE SLIGHTLY LESS BIG NEWS BECAUSE NOTHING CAN TOP A THROW UP SPOT
We bought a house! And in even more amazing news: it’s within walking distance of the throw up spot!
It’s been a little crazy. It’s supposed to be a buyer’s market but there was another offer so we had to compete and negotiate and such. Tom said it kind of felt like the negotiation scene in Bad Santa (R.I.P. Bernie Mac and also there’s a lot of cursing):
It was stressful but worth it, I hope. We’ve been trying to sell our Atlanta house and move back up to N.C. for over four years, and I’m hoping as we settle in and I unpack boxes of things I haven’t seen in nearly half a decade – there will be at least one motherloving thing to write about in them. That’s what I’m hanging my hopes on these days.
Anyway, it’s a nice house, and we think we’ll be able to have a home theater, which is awesome.
And to be able to walk to that throw up spot and see it whenever we please? What a dream come true.
Any big news you’d like to share here in my comment section for some reason?
Super Friends Season 2, Episode 10, Storyline A – “The Collector”
Original Airdate – November 5th, 1977
Short Synopsis: “Inside his remote Gothic mansion, millionaire inventor Newton Domehead is about to demonstrate his latest invention.” – Narrator
Domehead? Really?
“My matter transfer camera is finally finished. With it, I can transform any object into a picture.” So, like Willy Wonka and his TV chocolate bar? Got it.
His plan is to take a bunch of pictures of important stuff and then store the pictures for safe keeping. Pretty much your typical tourist but also impeding future tourists.
Then there’s a montage of him taking away the Eiffel Tower, Big Ben, Statue of Liberty, and just the top of the Capitol Building. Maybe he was worried he might accidentally get some members of Congress if he took all of it.
“Later, at the Hall of Justice”
Who would do such a thing, wonders Wonder Woman (haha, in this instance she’s Wonder Woman because she’s wondering!). “The Justice League computer may be able to tell us,” say the writers trying to squeeze a story into 7 minutes, I mean, Superman.
And with just the casual push of a couple colored buttons and the twirl of 1970s film reels, a name magically spits out – Domehead.
Superman and Wonder Woman “race to Newton Domehead’s estate.”
Oh, you KNOW he’s got a secret bookcase passage door.
No self respecting eccentric inventor who lives in a mansion would be caught dead without one.
The problem with awesome secret bookcase passages is that Superman can see them with his stupid x-ray vision.
Who guessed this would happen? All of you should have guessed.
Superman is instantly trapped in picture form. Wonder Woman manages to dodge the camera (never underestimate a woman’s ability to get out of the way of a camera if she doesn’t want her picture taken), but is then shut in the safe with all the pictures.
Domehead then heads out with two family members to Mt. Rushmore. He leaves all his pictures behind except for his most prized.
“I’ve got to get out of here fast and save Superman [AGAIN]” – Wonder Woman
FUN FACT: DID YOU KNOW: Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth can drill through a steel vault door? It can! AND did you know that through a little hole that it drilled, it can then wrap around a safe lock and try every conceivable code combination? IT CAN!
I gotta get me one of them lassos.
Domehead plans ahead, bitches.
Wonder Woman desperately searches for some kind of clue for where Domehead has gone, and the first thing she finds is an amazingly helpful itinerary.
What I’m DYING to know is, what is the size picture he plans to print for Rushmore!?
Later, at Mt. Rushmore
An action sequence that could be straight out of North by Northwest (if it were a poorly executed 70s children’s cartoon and not a classic Hitchcock film) commences, with Wonder Woman throwing her lasso around and dodging pictures left and right.
When Domehead threatens to rip the picture of Superman in half, Wonder Woman, who has gotten her hands on the camera, sends the reverse ray or something and then Superman is back to normal.
And then, after all that awesome work of doing pretty much all the work, Wonder Woman is shoved off of Jefferson’s nose with an airplane ladder.
Flung off like some kind of super booger. Superman swoops in and saves her.
Then, as they are trying to escape, Superman catches up with the Domeheads and turns them into the authorities.
Superman and Wonder Woman have a laugh over some weird joke about how the Domeheads would have done well in show business because they have a great disappearing act. You know, cause of the camera.
And then there’s also a weird lecture about not stealing giant monuments that can’t really be moved anyway and keeping them in picture form because it’s not fair to everyone else. You know, because that’s one of the important lessons you learn growing up.
The Academy Awards are the American film industry’s highest honor. This year’s telecast is sure to be an exciting production of people dressed in fancy clothes walking up to the stage and accepting a statue if they win. Here’s some fascinating facts I guarantee you don’t know about Hollywood’s big awards show.
– Originally, The Academy members voted for Best Picture based on whether a movie had the same name as chicken parts, which is why Wings won the first award in 1928. After that, everyone agreed to go on merit.
– The design of the actual award went through a few changes before the final product was produced. I’ve been lucky enough to get my hands on the original concept art:
– In 1974 everyone thought is was adorable when 10 year old Best Supporting Actress winner Tatum O’Neal wore a tuxedo, but people weren’t as charmed by Best Actor winner Jack Lemmon’s long flowing evening gown.
– In 1975 they phased out the category “Best Cigarette Smoking.”
– Sally Field stole her famous acceptance speech “you like me, you really like me” from The Jolly Green Giant, whose catchphrase at the time was “you like peas, you really like peas.”
– In 1989 Rob Lowe sang a cheesy duet with Snow White, which we all wish we didn’t remember, but just the year before Charlton Heston and Bambi did an incredibly awkward number which is rarely ever mentioned these days.
– In 1988, there was an unprecedented three-way tie for Best Supporting Actor. The Fat Boys split the vote and each took home a statue for the 1987 film Disorderlies.
– Meryl Streep has won three acting Oscars, one for Makeup for “Harry and the Hendersons,” and one for writing the original song “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp.”
– Two-time winner and a nominee this year, Daniel Day-Lewis is well known for his method acting. As a child, before he forged his parents’ signatures on his report cards, he would spend days in their clothes.*
– Never won an Oscar: Cary Grant, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, BIg Bird, Me, my cat Elliott, everyone who lives on my street, the last person who sold me a lottery ticket, and George Washington (fun fact: this is a real fact).
– If you’re a seat filler, and for whatever reason, if you are in a winner’s seat when that winner is announced, you get the award. AND, if you thank the original winner’s spouse or significant other, you get to take them home for the night.
At the drug store the other day, this caught my eye:
“I HAVE seen that on TV,” I thought to myself – that box was totally right! Looking at the list of wonderful things about the My Pillow:
Anti-microbial
Dust mite resistant
Built-in cooling effects (whatever the hell that means)
The list was long and impressive. But, I can’t purchase this pillow, and here’s why:
I just think a grown man with a mustache shouldn’t be lovingly cuddling a pillow on the box. This seems very obvious to me, like marketing 101: “no one with a mustache should be affectionate with the product on the packaging.” I’ve never taken a marketing class, but isn’t that the first or AT MOST the third thing they tell you?
And then I couldn’t stop thinking about how much this man loved this pillow, and then I started to worry about what would happen if they had a baby together, and now this haunts my nightmares:
And now I’m not sure I can even have any pillows anymore.
P.S. I’ve had to send my stupid brand new laptop off to be fixed so there won’t be a Super Friends this week for those of you who read them.
Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9, Storyline D – “Volcano”
Original Airdate – October 29, 1977
Short Synopsis: First, there was a magic trick, but it was the most boring thing – Superman makes it look like he cut an envelope AND a strip of paper in half but really it was just the envelope. See aren’t you already bored? So we’ll just move on to the story…
This week’s segment has a guest superhero: Samurai, who was actually created for the cartoon shows, like the Wonder Twins. Sorry, Samurai.
“Speeding through the vastness of outer space, a strange craft from another planet rockets off course with it’s engines failing.” Narrator
Aboard is an intergalactic Green Man Group:
“We are headed straight for a planet called ‘Earth'” exclaims one. What, you mean you don’t know about us? Well, let me tell you, we’re the best and worst place ever, I’ll have you know!
“Seconds later, the strange vessel hurtles into the steaming vent of an active volcano, where it slowly begins to sink in the hot molten llllllava.” – Narrator. Ain’t that a bitch.
Later, at the Super Friends Headquarters
They are told of the spaceship by some government/NASA dude and Superman and Samurai are on the case. “Using the powers of the mind” Samurai is able to turn into “the wind.” It looks like this:
See, kids? You can do anything you set your power of the mind to.
And then, once he’s on the move, he looks like a windsock with a head:
Back at the spaceship.
I guess they can’t breathe our air because they’ve decided to stay in the spaceship in the lava (that’s not true, at the end they’re outside, perfectly fine). One says that if they can’t get the ship out, they’ll die – NO ASKING FOR HELP. Ha ha, jokes on you, you’re already gonna get some “help” whether you like it or not!
“A flying earth being is headed straight for us!” They do what any logical person would do if they saw the Super Friends version of Superman flying toward them – they activate their defense beam.
Superman can’t get past the beam and Samurai attempts to contact the aliens with a radio (WHERE on that costume he’s been keeping a radio, I have no idea). He tells them they’re only here to help, and like any reasonable person or alien, the aliens are like, “uh, no.”
So, Samurai comes up with a plan. “Calling out the Japanese words for ‘invisible,’ Samurai slowly disappears.” – Narrator
I don’t speak Japanese, so I have no idea if he actually said the words (plural) for invisible.
Then, he pulls a bunch of rope (sorry, “cable”) out his short-shorts!
Just because something is invisible doesn’t mean it doesn’t take up space. So unrealistic.
Sorry, aliens, you’re getting help.
Invisible Samurai lands on the craft sets off the sensors, which, according to the Green Man in charge, “never lie.” Not even in molten hot lava? He’s right, of course, and they press one of many yellow buttons and Samurai comes down a tube and reveals himself. I mean reveals himself as a formerly invisible person, not reveals his, you know…
The ship sinks under the lava as Superman watches helplessly because he still can’t get past the defense beams. He contacts Samurai on the radio:
Again, WHERE IS HE KEEPING THIS THING?
Samurai says he has a plan, and his plan is to pretend to be fire, then sneak out of the tube and then press a button. Yeah, I don’t know. There’s a kerfuffle, and the alien accidentally turns off the defense beams and Superman pulls them out. It was really edge-of-your-seat stuff.
“Now that your spacecraft is repaired, you can safely return to space!” – Superman
Superman obviously has no interest in where these things are actually from, who they are, or what they are up to.
The Green Guy says he’s sorry for not trusting them and “at least now we have friends on Earth.” Then, Superman says, as they’re flying away, “and we have friends in space!”
No names, addresses, or phone numbers, just a general idea that they live in space. Superman is a great friend.
Health Segment
A child is trying to win a carnival game (baseball and stacked bottles one), he throws and misses. Wonder Woman tells him to try another and he says he can’t win because his eyesight is blurry and Wonder Woman tells him to always let his parents know if his vision changes.
Notice, however, that she does not inform him that carnival games are notoriously rigged. They can’t be expected to cover more than one topic, what are they, superheroe-oh, wait.
I’m betting Wonder Woman is co-owner of this carnival game. It doesn’t matter if he gets glasses, she’s still gonna get his 10 cents (that’s how much it costs, how times have changed!).
