Month: November 2012

Super Friends: Season 2, Episode 8 – “River of Doom”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 8, Storyline D – “River of Doom”

Original Airdate – October 22, 1977

Short Synopsis: Did you miss it? I didn’t do one last week because I’m lazy family time is so important during Thanksgiving. So we’re back in the saddle this week for another terrible adventure with a bunch of super losers.

Oh, yes! It’s LADIES NIGHT!

More like River of Va-Va-Va-Voom! (I’m sorry).

“The Amazon Jungle, a green cloak that hides incrrrredible dangers, where three geologists search for valuable mineral deposits vital to the future development of Brazil.” – Narrator

One of the geologists finds this:

And you know, as soon as you see something like that, in a story set in the Amazon, that all cultural sensitivity has flown out the window.

“It’s a burial necklace. This must be sacred Jivaro burial ground!” – Lady Geologist

“The Jivaro are head hunters! We are in great danger!” – Dude Geologist #1

Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way: if you would like to learn more about Jivaro peoples/history, do not refer to this Super Friends episode, for that would be silly. Go here, here, or here. Moving on…

The good: the geologists immediately recognize their mistake, re-bury the necklace, and try to put everything back the way it was.

The bad:

Yeah. The Jivaro throw a net over the three geologists and kidnap them.

Later, at the Hall of Justice

Some dude in a suit tells the Super Friends he’s worried about the geologists.

Rima is there – remember Rima? She is of the jungle and can talk to animals. Now you’re all caught up.

She explains to everyone that the Jivaro are normally peaceful people, “but if they are angered, there’s no telling what they could do.” Way to try and soften the blow, Rima.

 Even more later, back in the jungle

The Jivaro have the geologists sequestered in a hut, and they drew them a picture of how they’re going to punish them:

The geologists also mention piranhas but I don’t think the Jivaro drew any. Ok, fine, here, I drew you a piranha:

He’s wearing a top hat because he has a charity ball he’s attending later in the evening. They aren’t always eating an entire horse in 30 second flat, they have other interests! His name is Paulie and he has a wife (Jasmine) and four kids (Scooter, Brian, Flannigan, and Charade). He’s never met Aquaman but he’s heard some things.

Rima and Wonder Woman land in the jungle, and Rima does her Tarzan Rima Call to get the local animals to look for the geologists.

They find the Jivaros and the geologists freshly tied to a log. “We have to lure the Jivaros away from the log,” strategizes Rima. So, she says she’s going to “cover them with a dust screen,” and then she does this:

=

“Wonder Woman, hurry! The Jivaros have released the log!”

You know who else released a log? The writers.

Follow That Log

As the log rushes down the river, Wonder Woman pursues it in a canoe, followed by the Jivaro pursuing Wonder Woman. In order to slow down the Jivaro, Rima summons the Olympic gold metal Synchronized Alligatoring pair to help out.

You can see why they won the gold. This was before steroids and judge bribery took over the sport.

Wonder Woman saves the geologists, and then everyone gathers around in a perfect union of understanding and helpfulness. The Jivaros now understand the geologists didn’t mean to desecrate their specific grounds – just the area around them, and all is well.

 Health

A young man walks down a deserted road. Superman shows up out of nowhere and asks him what he’s doing there.

Superman tells him that he’s right “not to get involved in the drug scene, nobody with any sense will have any part of it.” Superman just admitted to doing drugs.

 

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

15 Thoughts While I Wait on Hold for Utility Service

1. It’s time for me to get my biannual haircut.

2. I’m currently on hold to switch the water bill/account back to us for a whole flippin’ month. The estimated wait time on the phone is 18 minutes. The water resources wait music follows the same proud tradition of the Georgia DMV – one minute clip of muzak repeated over and over and over. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do – drive me to go online. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL. It’s what I was born to do – run errands without having to leave my house or speak to anyone. Unfortunately, your user experience is seriously lacking and I don’t want to have to start a whole new account if I don’t have to. SO HA HA HA, jokes on you, I’m going to sit here and suffer. Oh, wait.

3. In related news, we got an offer on our house! Hooray! This is why I have to activate the water, gas, and electricity for exactly one month – the time between renters and new owners. If everything keeps moving forward smoothly (like the smooth jazz I’m currently listening to), we’ll close on December 31st.

4. My call is very important to them.

5. I’m sincerely starting to worry that I will have forgotten what I called about, panic, tell them to have a nice day, hang up, and have to start again.

6. Tom is currently making lunch while I’m here on hold. I’d like some lunch. Or maybe I’ve never had lunch before. My sense of self is slowly being replaced by this one minute of smooth jazz.

7. “We hear you want some water, some water, waaatteeer, want some water” is the lyrics to the song I’m listening to. I wrote these lyrics, they are copyrighted so don’t even think about it, Gwinnett County Water Resources.

8. I’ve had the thought – “maybe we don’t really NEED to have the water on for the next month.” But then I thought – “what if someone breaks in, notices there’s no water, so they take a shit on the carpet instead of in the toilet.” My second thought was about how the water needs to be on so that the plumber can properly fix a couple of leaky faucets.

9. I’m on the phone with the lady and she’s typing away so I’m going to type too. Typing twins!

10. Now I have to call the gas company. Their hold muzak is more generic Eric Clapton than smooth jazzy jazz.

11. Do not giggle and report a gas leak that you noticed shortly after eating a burrito. Do not giggle and report a gas leak that you noticed shortly after eating a burrito. Do not….

I’ve added a picture of gum.

12. This lady is chewing gum. I hope it brings her a little pleasure during her day of having to talk to idiots like me.

13. Now I have to listen to a robot explain the terms and conditions. Let me get my pen and paper! I’m just kidding robot, I’m not listening.

14. “To end this call, please hang up.” I actually sat through the message long enough to be told that.

15. I thank you for reaching the end of this post, you as a reader are important to me. Be-ba-di-do-wop-a-diddly-doo.

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This post was inspired by: Studio30Plus‘ writing prompt, me needing something to do while on hold, and seriously extensive writer’s block.

 

I Love-Hate You, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is a bunch of glorious bullshit. It is so corporate, sponsors sponsor sponsors – “The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade brought to you by NBC presents the cast of Annie courtesy of McDonalds.” That’s really not an exaggeration.

It’s awful. I watch it every year and love each terrible minute. Why? I’m not sure. It’s cheesy. It’s a wall to wall advertisement save for the occasional school band or cheerleading squad. Why would anyone want to watch it?  It’s tradition. Tradition is a very powerful lure. But, more than that, I kinda like watching people sell their souls. I know that makes me sound like a terrible person and I don’t  have any response to that. There’s just something about a musician who wants to be taken seriously as an artist having to lip sync a cheesy song on the Build-A-Bear parade float while a bunch of furries cavort about that warms my heart. And also listening to the absolute bollocks river of banter and product placements that the hosts have to vomit out of their Turkey day mouths. Real example: “”Hamburger Helper gives us a float to remember.” They had to say that!

Because this isn’t at all scary.

And let’s not forget the balloons! I can’t see the giant balloons without remembering the scene in the 1989 Batman movie where the Joker tries to kill the entire city with poisoned giant parade balloons. I don’t hope that this happens at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. But, I don’t want to miss it if it does.

Another game I like to play is “What Will be the Most Embarrassing Clip to Watch in Ten Years Time.” The possibilities are endless! Here’s some examples (people with heart conditions, sense of decency, or allergies to train wrecks should not watch) they are really bad quality, too, just to add to the mood:

I wrote the thing about The Joker BEFORE I found this clip.

Let’s remember: someone had to actually write this song, then she had to learn it, then she had to pre-record it, then she had to learn dance moves to it.

Remember when Victoria Jackson seemed sane riding around on a giant snail? Also, Phyllis Diller, RIP, this is EXACTLY how one should behave performing in this parade. I’m serious.

Jordan Knight of NKOTB gives up on lip synching about halfway through (unless one of the other New Kids sings that line, I bet someone knows! Show yourself!). I also LOVE that Donnie looks positively delighted that children have no food to eat or a place to go.

There’s a very good chance I will be live-tweeting this marvelous event, so please stop by and laugh at things with me: @cannibal_nerd

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 8 – Extra Segments

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 8 – Extra Segments

Original Airdate – October 22, 1977

This week we look at our decoder clues and magic trick.

Decoder, Part I

The decoder clues unveil a word that applies to last week’s story. This one is another strange, unexplained plot involving Batman and Robin.

Batman and Robin are driving around at night. Ok, fine, they must do that all the time since that’s probably when they go on their crime patrols. Robin then says, “boy, I could sure use a good night’s sleep, Batman.” Alright, ok, Robin isn’t up for a patrol, I guess? I suppose Batman can just drive Robin home and-

“There’s a place right there where we can stop, Robin!” – Batman

“I hope the beds are good Batman, I’m ready for some serious slumber!” – Robin.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Are they on a road trip? What is happening?

“Hold on, Robin, there’s something we need to take care of before we check in.” – Batman

Oh, God, what? *puts hands over eyes in horror, peeks through fingers*

“The first clue to the code!” – Batman

Phewwwww.

“The name of the place we’re parked in front of, and I’ll give you a hint, the word’s NOT hotel,” Batman clues.

 Decoder, Part II

Batman looks at some kind of radar something and cheerily declares, “looks like everything’s all clear!” ALL CLEAR FROM WHAT!? The local authorities because you’ve brought a teenage boy to a hotel? What!?

Things get even more odd. “Great! Now, let’s get some rest,” Robin kind of begs.

“NOT UNTIL WE GIVE THE SECOND CLUE TO THE CODE,” Batman testily replies. He really seems to be annoyed at this point.

“Suffering Shut Eye, Batman, I hope it isn’t a hard one!” – Robin

Hard one? HAHAHAHAHAHA *composes self*

“It’s the first four letters of the name of the divisions on the radar screen.” – Batman.

Dear God in heaven up above, now I need a fucking nap.

“Those are called ‘sectors.’ Is sectors the second clue?” – Robin

“The first four letters are you sleepy idiot who wasn’t listening when I clearly stated it was the first four letters.” – Batman

Batman asks Robin if he can stay awake long enough to guess the code word in the exact same tone parents ask their kids if they can hold their pee long enough to get to the next gas station.

Robin yawns and says he thinks so.

Decoder III

TWIST – he couldn’t stay awake.

Batman rouses Robin and demands to know the code word. Robin explains that it is “insect.” Batman then says, “not too bad for someone who fell asleep on the job.” Daaaaaammmnnnn. Then, they both laugh uproariously at Robin’s incompetence.

HA! HA! Robin sucks.

Magic Trick

Magic Trick Time! This week Aquaman will be our magician. Great.

Aquaman is in the ocean – not the specially built magic theater that probably cost a fortune – swimming around aimlessly. Really. He can’t find a sunken treasure and is looking for it with no luck. Then, an octopus takes pity on him and points him in the right direction:

“Thanks for the head!” says Aquaman. Thanks for the head? Is that a thing, I mean other than what you would say after you got a blowjob?

Aquaman finds the treasure and tells us that the trick he shall teach us is called “The Disappearing Coin Illusion.” He puts the coin in his hand, closes his palm, opens it again, and the coin is GONE! Gasp! Here’s how it’s done:

Step two and a half: close your palm and have your finger in contact with the dime. Hover your hand over your fist to buy time, then:

Then, close your hand again and “release” the dime from your nail.

That’s all fine and dandy, but may I remind you, Aquaman, that YOU ARE UNDER WATER. There’s no way that worked.

 

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

 

It’s a Dog Eat Carrie World

My dog is weird. Ed has plenty of strange quirks that have revealed themselves over the six years he’s been with us. He has a bb lodged in the top of his head, so that tells you that 1. he had a tough life before he got to us and 2. he possibly has brain damage (only half-kidding on that one).

He doesn’t like popping sounds – fireworks, spontaneous hand claps, etc. Totally understandable. He also doesn’t like storm drains and is a bit of a pain in the ass on walks (walks he goes on because we spent a long time teaching him to walk on a leash, which he hated at first). That doesn’t  have anything to do with the bb, I’m just expanding on my proof of his being weird.

Because everyone knows the middle of the street is the safest place to be.

I could go on, and I know it sounds like we just aren’t training him. To that I say: yeah, that’s kind of true. But, on the other hand, dog ownership is just as much an adjustment of what you will tolerate as it is trying to get the perfect pet. He is neurotic and weird, but so am I, so I kind of get him, and we don’t really have many issues – his quirks fit in fine with our life.

Earlier today, about an hour ago, being the graceful, perfectly organized person I am, I set a completely full mug of hot tea down on the coffee table, a pile of mail, and the corner of a wallet. Physics was like, “bitch please,” and so the whole mug emptied out onto the table, several magazines, my pants, and the carpet. It was a grand ol’ time.

The coffee table is wood with a glass top. I had to take everything off the table and move the glass so I could clean between the layers. While I was wiping the glass of with the paper towel, it was making that sound – you know the sound. “EEEEEEEEEEEE!” The sound of squeaking from glass, liquid and towel. Apparently, this sound is like The Manchurian Candidate’s Queen of Diamonds and it activated Ed.

He jumped down from the couch, trotted over, and bit me. He bit through my jeans and caused and ugly small shallow skin puncture and bruise. I don’t know if he was playing – he hopped to get up to my knee and maybe literally bit off more than he could chew – or if the noise made him snap, but it was a shock. He’s never, ever bitten me or even entertained the thought (uh, that I know of).

It was quick and simple – he hopped up, bit my knee, I yelled, “ED WHAT THE FUCK!?” And then he looked at me like “What? Oh, snap, you didn’t like that?” He seemed genuinely confused, then got submissive with the ears back and the tiny tail wags.

Here’s the things with dogs – it’s all about the moment, and it’s all about context. I don’t know why Ed bit me, or even if he meant to. He could have been asleep, and the sound could have triggered him, waking him and setting him into action before he actually knew what he was doing. He could have done it to get me to stop that awful fucking noise (he genuinely dislikes it, I now know). Or, like I said, he could have been trying to play. I just don’t know. Since he’s never bitten me before, and he was in my peripheral vision, I can’t assume what happened exactly.

Other than being on the lookout for any additional strange behavior, having his eyesight and blood work looked at during his next check-up, and making a mental note to not clean glass within earshot of Ed, there’s nothing else to do about the bite. Dogs aren’t people, something I’m thankful for 90% of the time. Every once in a while, though, they remind you that your ancestors domesticated and developed them from their ancestors (wild wilderness animals) – and sometimes, that means yelling “what the fuck” at them after they give you a little bite for an unknown mysterious reason.

He can’t speak English (if he did I’d be in my castle eating gold or whatever super rich people do), but he can speak dog, and I have sense enough to know that he’s told me, “sorry about that – can you see my ears are pinned against my head and I have a sad tucked wagging tail?” And for now, you little weirdo, that’s good enough.

By the way, please nobody tell my mom about the spilled tea.