Tag: I Watch A Lot of TV

Lite-Brite, Lite-Brite, Turn on the Magic of Disappointing Lights

Lite-Brite. I wanted a Lite-Brite so bad when I was a kid but never got one. You could turn on the magic of colored lights with it and my mom didn’t even care. She said she didn’t want to step on all the little lights and then clog the vacuum with them because I wouldn’t clean up after myself. Just because something is true doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get a Lite-Brite.

When we moved when I was 9, our new neighbors had a Lite-Brite. I wouldn’t call the turning on of colored lights “magic,” it was more of a “huh” experience. And, I distinctly remember all of us kids moving on to something else and not cleaning up the Lite Brite.

The Lite-Brite commercials were a miraculous acheivement in advertising:

This commercial is 30 seconds long. The amount of fun you can have with a Lite-Brite is 31 seconds. The euphoria you feel watching the commercial: the lights, “all the things you can do with it,” a birthday party… it all ends right before the crushing realization that this thing, this Lite Brite, is not the end all and be all of everything that is fun and wonderful. And, let’s quickly break down everything they do in this commercial:

– Couple of examples of the template pictures – a clown, a ballerina.
– “Here’s Suzy.” Suzy took the time to make a Lite-Brite sign before she dismembered her family with an ax.
– Two kids, EACH WITH THEIR OWN LITE-BRITE, the little richies, doing more templates
– A little boy makes a good night sign for his absentee father. He has plenty of time to do it because he’s so lonely.
– Someone made a “Happy Birthday” sign with it for some kid’s party. And whomever that poor kid is, they weren’t allowed to blow their own candles out by themselves.

None of these things seem like fun at all when you stop to think about them. It’s the colors and the quick editing. Somehow, they created a commercial that made one of the most boringest things ever (that doesn’t even come with it’s own light bulb and oh-my-god it’s just a fucking light bulb with a shoebox over it) seem like heroin, crack, and candy all rolled into one.

And here’s an older one, I love the lame, generic promise of being able to “make people, animals, things.”

So, my mom never had to vacuum up lite-brite pegs, and I still learned the valuable lesson of something not being as awesome as it seemed. But you know what WAS awesome, that I used over and over again, and loved to no end? Fashion Plates. I may have only worn jeans and t-shirts (still do), but I’ll cobble together an amazing look for a fashion plate. This ad is for versions newer than mine was, and the New Kids on the Block version is hilarious:

Anybody have a Lite-Brite and love it? What other toys crushed your soul after you realized they sucked?

Forgetful Forgetful Grandma

My grandma, Mama Dot (my dad’s mom), was a true character. I hope to be as sassy as she was someday. She was this fantastic combination of the ultimate nurturer and illogical judgment, as I’m sure many grandmas are.

For example, she stocked her cupboards with candy so that her grandkids could gorge themselves on Reece’s cups and York peppermint patties. Then, she’d admonish us for not wanting to eat dinner.

She was a very generous Christmas gift-giver. I didn’t have to come from a broken home to get two Christmas stockings, because she did them for EVERYONE – four grandkids, three children, two in-laws, then, eventually, two in-law grandkids. She would also give us several Christmas presents – a mixture of whatever she randomly chose, and a nice number of things from our specific lists. This of course meant she was buying things that she had no clue about. And, really, who would care to learn more about plastic ponies with pictures on their asses?

One year, either my sister or I had asked for Hungry Hungry Hippos. Here is the ad:

Hungry Hungry Hippos is one of those toys that no one who lives with you wants you to have. It is noisy, it has marbles as game parts, and, usually within the first day, at least one hippo commits suicide. Plus, once you take the dancing cartoon hippos and catchy jingle away, all you have left is the game, which is entirely lame.

But, that’s not the point. The point is that to a kid, the colorful Hungry Hungry Hippos ad makes this game look like a fine way to spend your time, and we wanted it. And we got it. Mama Dot got it for us.

“Hooray!” we exclaimed to ourselves in our minds because we’re both introverts, we got Hungry Hungry Hippos! We immediately opened and set it up, and commenced with de-hungering the Hippos.

Now, if you didn’t watch the commercial, watch it. You will notice that you don’t actually HEAR the game being played. You hear the ecstatic giggles of the children, and you hear the very loud jingle. There’s a reason for that. HHH sounds like a construction site but instead of jackhammers, there are hippos, and instead of cat calls, there are marbles rolling around.

So, when my sister and I happily started our first game (and that is the only time you happily play HHH), Mama Dot walking by, stopped, and exclaimed:

Mama Dot: Who in the hell got you that!?
Us: You did!
Mama Dot: I most certainly did not.
Our Mother (knowing very well who the hell got us that): Yes, you did.
Mama Dot: I think I would know if I got something like that. I wouldn’t get something like that.

After much back and forth, it was established that yes, Mama Dot had gotten us this thing that was filling the house with the sounds of plastic clacking and clanging like awful Christmas bells.

It was actually a running gag in our family – aunts and uncles would get their nieces and nephews noisy toys on purpose. My parents won this contest because they got my nephew an extremely noisy police car. My aunt and uncle thought the torture would be over when the batteries ran out. They swear that the battery somehow fused with the casement to create a never-ending lifespan. You didn’t even have to play with it. If you looked at it wrong it would yell, “STOP! Pull over!”

However, my grandma never participated in this tradition because we actually stayed at her house, so she knew it would eventually bite her in the ass. Needless to say, she was very disappointed to find out that she had brought Hungry Hungry Hippos on herself. But, it never stopped her from complaining about how we have too much stuff, about 25% of which was her fault.

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This post was written in response to Studio30 Plus’ prompt: The Gift

More Punny TV Names – Because I Have a Serious Problem and Can’t Stop

I wrote a previous post about the groan-inducing titles of television shows that work a characters name in the title, sometimes with the clever grace of Gallagher’s mallet.

Here are five more titles that I think will inevitably end up on our television screen for our eye holes.

Connie Get a What What – An ASL teacher in the inner city tries to balance work, life, and keep her affair with the school principal a secret.

I Hear a Tiffany – Tiffany plays the flute in an orchestra by day or night, depending on the scheduled performances, and plays the “flute” as a porn actress by day or night, depending on the orchestra’s performances. There’s a lot of chaotic mad dashes between concert halls and studios, and changing clothes in the back of taxi cabs.

Drew Wrote the Book of Love – I am 100% confidant this will eventually be a Dr. Drew reality show.

A Dave in the Life – Dave Johnson is fresh out of college and has to move in with his aunt and uncle, Jodie and Stephen Life. Hijinks and generational misunderstandings ensue.

Supply and Da Man – Reggie “Supply” Jones, a notorious drug kingpin, ends up in prison and strikes up an unlikely friendship with the warden, Manny Moore.

Becky See, Becky Do – Becky has the uncanny ability to read Ikea assembly instructions and get it right the first time without any confusion. She becomes a millionaire helping others put together funny sounding furniture.

My punny show is “Carried Away,” what’s yours?

I Can’t Believe I like Grease 2

Grease 2. Man, what a bad movie. But for some reason, every time I’m flipping through the channels on TV and it’s on, I have to stop and watch at least some of it. Why it’s on TV all the time is a different issue. This movie is directed by the choreographer of the original Grease; I looked in the credits, and this is just a theory, but maybe the problem with Grease 2 is that it was not choreographed by the director of the first Grease. Whatever the reason though, boy does it stink, but it’s one of those bad smells you get used to after awhile. The main reason I like this movie so much is because it is very nostalgic for me, I saw it on HBO tons of times when I was a kid. You know, back when HBO would play a movie over and over again within a month (that was a joke, they still do that). I would have never been cool enough to be a Pink Lady, not even a Grease 2 Pink Lady. Grease 2 gave me a chance to get a glimpse into a world that doesn’t exist in the first place. The first Grease does that too, but it wasn’t on HBO twenty times a day when I was seven.

Grease 2 picks up where the first one left off, and all of the most endearing and beloved characters from Grease are back: Eugene, Frenchie, the Coach, and that teacher with the drug problem. Out of all the returnees, there is one that I think everyone can agree is the most touching: that fifty year old guy with the acne scars that for some reason still has a rivalry with high schoolers. With these oldie but goodies are the new sets of T-Birds and Pink Ladies, and Michelle Pfeiffer plays the lead Lady, Stephanie. She bites into this juicy role with the enthusiasm of someone making ends meet by being in a sub par sequel.

For the first five minutes, everything is okay, but then a newcomer arrives and shakes up the delicate balance that the Birds and the Ladies have worked so hard to achieve. That newcomer’s name is Michael, and he’s…..British. He also has glasses and wears sweater vests, which just add to his instant nerd status. You would think that since he is related to Sandy (from Grease), he would get a free ride, but you would be sorely mistaken. He does have a connection, Frenchie, who takes him under her pink wing to explain to him the rules of a world he could never know. You see, Michael sees Stephanie, played by Michelle Pfeiffer (in case you still don’t believe it), and falls for her instantly. But that match made in heaven is not to be, for as Frenchie tells us, Michael is far too homely to become a T-Bird, which is a prerequisite for being the boyfriend of a Pink Lady.

Luckily, there is a light in the distance: for somewhere in this legal mumbo jumbo, it states that above mentioned A (Michael) can become acquainted with, and pursue a romantic partnership with above mentioned B (Stephanie), if and only if the subject of the first party agrees to overhaul his/her personality in exchange for acceptance of his/her advances by the subject of the second party. This can be summed up by Stephanie herself: “I want a Cool Rider.” I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I will just say that Michael does indeed become a Cool Rider, and he and Stephanie end up happily together.

You may say: “This sounds exactly like the plot of the first Grease.” Well, let me just tell you smarty pants, it’s not. One, Sandy was Australian, Michael is BRITISH. Two, Sandy was a girl, Michael is a GUY. Grease 2 happens a couple of years AFTER the first Grease, and there are completely different songs in Grease 2. And, if you still have your doubts, may I remind you that Grease 2 was directed by the CHOREOGRAPHER of Grease, so therefore is a lot WORSE than the first one. So, it is very easy to see why this movie holds such a special place in my heart, and I highly recommend it if you have nothing else to do, and liked it a long time ago when you were a little kid with bad taste.

What guilty pleasures do you have?

Name Ideas for the Duggars

The Duggars, Michelle and Jim Bob, are expecting their 20th child. All the rest of their kids’ names start with a J, so I’m sure this one will as well. I bet at this point it’s hard to come up with new J names. Here’s 20 suggestions, in case they want to change any of their current children’s names.

1. Joker
2. Jigglypuff (girl)
3. J-name
4. Just forget it, we won’t remember it anyway
5. Jesus-Sue (girl)
6. Jesus-Bob (boy)
7. Jellybean
8. Jor-El
9. Justin Old Fashioned Love Song
10. Jamiroquai
11. Just Do It (Both your and Nike’s slogan)
12. Junkyard Dog
13. Jean Genie
14.Jacques Cousteau-Ray
15. Jolly Roger
16. Jristopher
17. Job (just to mess with him if it’s a boy)
18. Jabberwocky
19. Jager Meister
20. Jagger-Moves Like (it’s trendy and now)

What else?