This picture, it screams
“maple syrup rampage, y’all!”
No one will be spared.
I’m not going to
write a haiku about her
diabetes stuff
I will, though, write a
haiku about butter ’cause
it may calm her down
Mmm, butter butter
Butter butter butter, mmm
Mmm, butter butter
Is she asleep, yet?
Shh, everyone slowly
back out of the room.
Dear US magazine,
there’s a special place in hell –
“Finger-lickin’ rude.”
Dear John Travolta,
KFC is not a place
where you need ressies.
While Hello Kitty
is able to get a smile
she cannot give one
I wrote that haiku
because I think it’s messed up
she ain’t got no mouth
Disney sent me a survey about my experience during a trip I will take in June of 2015. I’m not clairvoyant like Disney apparently is, so I did my best to give them the feedback they wanted.
1. Your overall experience and value: It was glurptastic (projected 2015 lingo for “fun”)!
2. Your experience with the rides, shows, attractions, and entertainment: The Carousel of Progress is terribly out of date. There’s not a single mention of the Robotic Revolution in May 2013.
3. Your experience with the characters: Overall, I would say it was nice. However, Mickey Mouse got stuck in “hug mode” and it took them 3 hours to pry me loose.
4. Your experience with the food offered: For the fine dining, the roast futurebeast was delicious. For your quick service establishments, there was much to be desired. I mean, seriously, how long does it take to get a food pill out of the bottle? Quick, my ass.
5. Your experience shopping: The eye scanner nearly blinded me. I’ll just leave it at that.
6. The cast members/employees: All were well-oiled machines and/or properly brainwashed. Kudos.
7. Any special or magical experiences you had: I’d never seen a hover scooter before until now – truly magical. Makes me wish I was fatter.
8. Any challenges or difficulties you encountered: Mission to Actual Mars was great on the way, but once you get there, there’s nothing to do. Bor.ing.
9. Some details about yourself: I live in North Carolina with a vacation home on the moon. I can afford it because I won the lottery. I was also voted Overload of all Dominion – I didn’t even run, it was all write-in votes!
I was expecting a personal call of thanks from an unfrozen Walt Disney from the future, but all I got was an e-mail apologizing for the “error.” Yeah, whatever, Diz, you know I helped. You know it.
In order to save you money, I create conversations for the ebay conversation pieces so that you can enjoy them, move on, and spend your hard earned money on cookbooks or toothpaste.
Two old friends, Mike and Henry, have gotten together at Henry’s house to catch up and talk about the old days.
Henry: It’s so good to see you! Would you like a cup of coffee?
Mike: Sure! It’s been a long drive, I could use a pick-me-up.
Henry leaves and returns with two mugs of coffee and a grin on his face. Henry hands Mike his mug of coffee.
Mike: What the hell is this?
Henry: It’s funny, huh?
Mike: I’m not drinking out of that. I’ll feel like I’m drinking diarrhea.
Henry: But it won’t taste like diarrhea.
Mike: I would normally start making fun of you for knowing what diarrhea tastes like, but I’m so tired, and need caffeine so bad, that I don’t have the energy. But as bad as I need it, I will not drink it out of a toilet mug.
Henry: Alright, alright, fine. I’ll pour it into a different, regular mug.
Mike: No, the damage is done. I’ll just feel like you are trying to trick me into drinking diarrhea.
Henry: Well then, what now?
Mike: Do you have any soda? IN A CAN?
Scene.