How to Keep Your Weird Wife Happy and Informed

1. When her beloved TiVo breaks, and you have to get out the ancient VCR, help with the transition:

2. While watching Dr. Who, season 6, if your weird wife is having a hard time visualizing timelines, help her out with a hand-drawn diagram. Important: Before you come to your senses and help her in the friendly manner you excel at, stating that “It’s not that hard to figure out” is not the best first approach as it will unleash an expletive-filled verbal lashing. While she does understand you don’t mean anything by it, it’s still kind of an assy move.

3. On a weekend, when you all have planned to see a movie, like you do every weekend, and you’ve looked up all the showtimes and ran down everything that’s playing and even sometimes looked up all the reviews because your weird wife is also a weird lazy wife, get your day started off right. Since your weird wife doesn’t trust her own memory when it comes to time, write everything on her hand so that you don’t have to answer the same question 10 times before it’s time to leave. Hand is best, she will misplace paper.

This is how Zombie Disease is Spread

We went to some antique shops this past weekend, and I strolled past this beauty, which I would have bought in a second if it wasn’t $30:

Do not ever, ever, accept candy from a zombie. I know this is basic stuff you learn in pre-school, but it’s never too late for a reminder. Also, do not ever, ever, accept candy named “Zombies.” While they may only advertise the coconut, rum, and imitation rum (mmmm), we ALL know what the secret ingredient must be.

You know what’s extra awesome about this? I would be SAFE! Why? Because I hate coconut.

And, in case you weren’t sufficiently frightened – this was an empty tin, which means several people are already infected, or, if it was someone like me with control issues, but loved coconut, one person is already infected.

Writer’s Block


  • Scooting your chair forward with conviction does not, unfortunately, release a waterfall of hilarious and revelatory prose. Poopcakes.
  • Scratching your head does nothing but qualify you for a dandruff shampoo commercial.
  • Pacing only increases the risk of tripping over your cat.
  • Staring at the wall only leads to noticing cobwebs and spots you missed while painting.
  • Going to play Words with Friends, getting 60+ points for the word “puked,” and then glancing around and beaming proudly at no one, doesn’t get any juices flowing.
  • Going to play Words with Friends, seeing your opponent got 60+ points on the word “divinity” on HER FIRST MOVE, glancing around and tearing up at no one, also doesn’t get any juices flowing.
  • Swaying and spinning around in your kitchen singing “up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful balloooooon!” doesn’t work. But, it does cause dog excitement.
  • Staring blankly at the screen produces nothing, but it DOES help me remember that I turned the iron on over an hour ago and should probably do something about it.
  • Fuck it. I’m writing about writer’s block.


A Cold is Coming. Set the Place on Fire!

You know what’s strange about catching a simple cold? The fact that my body tries its hardest to convince the germs that it’s a bad real estate investment – too much of a fixer-upper to bother staying. And, of course, every single time, the cold decides it’s too good a deal to pass up.

What this means is that I actually feel worse when my body is fighting it off than when it gives up and lets the cold run its course. That’s not true when I catch something truly shitty like the flu or strep throat, but a simple cold leads to what seems like an overreacting freak-out.

Simple Cold Germs: Can we stay here a couple of days?

My body: Set the place on fire!

SCG: Seriously, it’s just three days or so.. Maybe a runny nose, some fatigue, but for the most part, you’ll still be funcional.

My body: NO! Antibodies – start rapidly stabbing the throat and neck area, everyone to the lower back – jump up and down on the spine, alternate rapidly between freezing and burning up. Make this place unhospitable!

SCG: You guys, there’s no need to do all this, we just need to crash a couple of days, it won’t be that bad.

My body: Turn her inside out! Make her feel like she’s going to have to be replaced with bionic parts!

SCG: How can a female body be such a dick hole? Why won’t you just let us hang out? We’ll leave when we find a new place.

My body: Ugh…so…tired…from…overreacting…don’t have a choice…must let cold stay.

SCG: Why? Why was that so hard? Now she’ll feel sick for five days instead of three. Where’s your bathroom?

My body: Up in the face near the nose.

I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. No, I didn’t study Biology, I majored in English, why do you ask?


I Bet You One Dollar We’ll Still be Married in Ten Years

My husband and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary last month. We’ve been together for 16 years total. Here’s a list of observations and advice after a decade of marriage:

1. If you don’t like dressing up, church, or being the center of attention, put up with your mom declaring she won’t plan your wedding for you, don’t plan your wedding for a few months, and then maybe you’ll get a big fat check from your parents to just go to the courthouse and get it over with. Worked for us.

2. Barring any accidents, if you spend years having the following conversation:

Husband: Do you want kids?
Wife: Dunno. You?
Husband: Dunno.

You will not end up with any kids.

3. If one of you is a vegetarian, and the other isn’t, don’t worry, there are plenty of unhealthy options for meals so that you can both grow fat together.

4. If you are too much alike, I highly recommend establishing very early in your relationship a designated person between the two of you to ask for help in home improvement stores. Otherwise, you will waste hours and hours of your life. As a compromise, the other one can be the designated take-out food phone caller.

5. Just keep in mind, every time you publicly declare on Facebook or Twitter that you are married to the best spouse ever in the history of man it is almost guaranteed that: 1. Ten other people have done the same within the hour and 2. You are probably also the type to declare your dissatisfaction with the idiot you married within 48 hours (we don’t do either of these things, but it is an observation from the last ten years).

6. After ten years, you will both laugh at how you used to be embarrassed to fart in front of each other and wish that the other person still was.

7. Consider your adult acne a sign that your love is as youthful as it was when you were teenagers.

8. Life is all about compromise. I’m not an outdoorsy person and he is, so I let him do all the yard work.

9. Make wagers. Don’t argue unnecessarily, make bets. If it’s something that’s factual and can be resolved later (how tall is Uncle Stanley, do we have milk at home, did Meryl Streep star in 227) bet a buck and move on. Save the time you would spend arguing over minutiae and spend it discussing things you both hate, together.

10. If you pretend to shiv each other with your car keys as a sign of affection, then you should be good for the next ten years.