I Once Pulled a Muscle Being Versatile

Yelling Near You and Thoughts Appear were kind enough to award me this:

The rules are:
1. Show the award on my blog
2. Compose a short dedication to the persons who awarded them the award
3. Write a list of five things for their readers that detail things about themselves their readers don’t know, and then
4. Pay the love forward to five bloggers that they feel deserve to receive the Versatile Blogger Award, too.

Number one, done! Must fight typical “I need to take a celebratory break from getting so much done!” reaction and move on. So, two great blogs:

Yelling Near You (Mark and Bitsy, Bitsy and Mark) is great for many reasons:
– Mark is the resource for all of your Canadian advertisement needs.
– He also believes that “mid-season finale” is as idiotic as I do.
– They have an adorable big orange dog who gets his picture taken a lot (and gets his teeth brushed with Mark’s toothbrush).
– Bitsy hasn’t lost her sense of humor despite a cast, medication, acne, and sweating.

Thoughts Appear’s Blog is also great for many reasons:
– She is the resource for all of your Pop Tart information needs.
– Thanks to her, I don’t have to watch Children of the Corn 7 and many other movies which she has bravely endured and passed on the pertinent facts from.
– She just got back together with her boyfriend, squeeeee!
– She found a mysterious hole in the woods and didn’t go see what was in there, which probably saved her life, but also left a mystery we will never know the answer to.

Things you don’t know about me but now do:
1. My lack of a sense of a direction has left me in tears on multiple occasions, and one time, because I missed an exit on the highway, I ended up going on a Christmas hay ride with my aunt and uncle, who had to rescue me and didn’t have time to get me home.
2. One time as a teen I got the two family cars stuck together while trying to back out of the garage. It was amazing.
3. I was born in and have always lived in the South, and I can’t stand humid heat. When I went to the Utah desert July of last year, I realized that there is such a thing as “dry heat” and became very jealous.
4. Tom and I have owned three houses (not at once), and our current house is for sale, in anticipation of hopefully moving back to N.C. and owning our fourth fucking house.  Every time we know we’re going to end up in a new house, we convince ourselves that this time we will become responsible, capable adults who get shit done. It didn’t happen the first three times but I KNOW this time will be different.
5. When I get hungry and my blood sugar drops, I become a black hole that sucks all joy and fun out of the immediate area. That person’s nickname is Scarrie. She is the reason Tom sometimes says things like “we need to feed her,” which once offended my neighbor on behalf of me, and I assured her, there’s no offense to be taken, because that’s how bad it is. The fear of encountering Scarrie has also caused my sister to not be willing to give her husband a granola bar she had because she knew I’d need it later. And I did need it later, and catastrophe was averted that day.

And five nominated blogs, all of which I’ve had the pleasure discovering from blogging (and Twittering):
Our Daily Escape
Guapola
My Blog Can Beat up Your Blog
Ach du Lieber, Jayne!
Going to Mensa

Now, I really need to eat something…

Pop Culture Haiku: John Travolta Tries to Make a Reservation at KFC and US Decides this is Newsworthy.

Dear US magazine,
there’s a special place in hell –
“Finger-lickin’ rude.”

Dear John Travolta,
KFC is not a place
where you need ressies.

 

Forgetful Forgetful Grandma

My grandma, Mama Dot (my dad’s mom), was a true character. I hope to be as sassy as she was someday. She was this fantastic combination of the ultimate nurturer and illogical judgment, as I’m sure many grandmas are.

For example, she stocked her cupboards with candy so that her grandkids could gorge themselves on Reece’s cups and York peppermint patties. Then, she’d admonish us for not wanting to eat dinner.

She was a very generous Christmas gift-giver. I didn’t have to come from a broken home to get two Christmas stockings, because she did them for EVERYONE – four grandkids, three children, two in-laws, then, eventually, two in-law grandkids. She would also give us several Christmas presents – a mixture of whatever she randomly chose, and a nice number of things from our specific lists. This of course meant she was buying things that she had no clue about. And, really, who would care to learn more about plastic ponies with pictures on their asses?

One year, either my sister or I had asked for Hungry Hungry Hippos. Here is the ad:

Hungry Hungry Hippos is one of those toys that no one who lives with you wants you to have. It is noisy, it has marbles as game parts, and, usually within the first day, at least one hippo commits suicide. Plus, once you take the dancing cartoon hippos and catchy jingle away, all you have left is the game, which is entirely lame.

But, that’s not the point. The point is that to a kid, the colorful Hungry Hungry Hippos ad makes this game look like a fine way to spend your time, and we wanted it. And we got it. Mama Dot got it for us.

“Hooray!” we exclaimed to ourselves in our minds because we’re both introverts, we got Hungry Hungry Hippos! We immediately opened and set it up, and commenced with de-hungering the Hippos.

Now, if you didn’t watch the commercial, watch it. You will notice that you don’t actually HEAR the game being played. You hear the ecstatic giggles of the children, and you hear the very loud jingle. There’s a reason for that. HHH sounds like a construction site but instead of jackhammers, there are hippos, and instead of cat calls, there are marbles rolling around.

So, when my sister and I happily started our first game (and that is the only time you happily play HHH), Mama Dot walking by, stopped, and exclaimed:

Mama Dot: Who in the hell got you that!?
Us: You did!
Mama Dot: I most certainly did not.
Our Mother (knowing very well who the hell got us that): Yes, you did.
Mama Dot: I think I would know if I got something like that. I wouldn’t get something like that.

After much back and forth, it was established that yes, Mama Dot had gotten us this thing that was filling the house with the sounds of plastic clacking and clanging like awful Christmas bells.

It was actually a running gag in our family – aunts and uncles would get their nieces and nephews noisy toys on purpose. My parents won this contest because they got my nephew an extremely noisy police car. My aunt and uncle thought the torture would be over when the batteries ran out. They swear that the battery somehow fused with the casement to create a never-ending lifespan. You didn’t even have to play with it. If you looked at it wrong it would yell, “STOP! Pull over!”

However, my grandma never participated in this tradition because we actually stayed at her house, so she knew it would eventually bite her in the ass. Needless to say, she was very disappointed to find out that she had brought Hungry Hungry Hippos on herself. But, it never stopped her from complaining about how we have too much stuff, about 25% of which was her fault.

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This post was written in response to Studio30 Plus’ prompt: The Gift

Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Super Friends S1 Ep12

“The Menace of the White Dwarf”

Original airdate: November 24, 1973

Short Synopsis: A guy in a red spacecraft is flying around, pointing at things with a special gun, giggling, and making said things disappear. And, of course, one of the things involve Wendy and Marvin, perpetual early-in-the-episode victims (this time their bike disappeared). The Super Friends assume it’s a white dwarf. More specifically, as Batman says, “A white dwarf with a human brain.” I cannot believe how un-PC the 1970s were.

So it turns out they were referring to a star. They figure out the villain’s name is Raven, a “super scientist that Superman sent to prison.”

WTF Screenshots
Here’s Wonder Dog picking a fight with a balloon.

Noooo, the Super Friends can’t have a regular projector, they have to have a space-age projector that looks like a tire swing with polaroids sticking out of it.

Wendy is a close-talker.

This is Superman and Wonder Woman using their “acute hearing.”

This is Wonder Dog chasing a cat into the Washington Monument.

Aquaman Bums a Ride
This is Aquaman asking Batman and Robin for a ride to an ocean emergency.

How in the hell does he get around when he’s not hanging with the Super Friends? Does he take the subway or use the bus system?

Super Friends and the Hillbilly Trio
Things get a little weird, and Wendy, Marvin, and Wonder dog end up at a shack where these three fellows reside.

The say things like “balder n’ a speckled hen’s egg.” The Raven has been trying to buy a meteor from them, and they’ve refused time and again. And because Raven is an upstanding super villain, he hasn’t thought to just steal it.

The meteor is Kryponite, and here’s the definitive answer as to what exactly it does to Superman, according to the narrator: “Kryptonite’s radiation reduces him to the condition of an invalid.”

Just Tell Us, Already.
The Raven threatens to send a building into orbit, and won’t oblige Marvin’s request to tell him what building, but he does offer the following clue: “Ohhhh, wouldn’t you like to knowwww, that. Well, I’ll tell you this much, it will be an irreplaceable building, a building rrrrrich in tradition and history. Tell Superman THAT.” BO-RING.

After all this dramatic not agreeing to tell them the building, Wendy says “fine, then, what time will the building go into orbit?” And The Raven responds with a very helpful “today, at 5.”

And, I’ll give you nothing if you guess what time it is. Yep, “minutes to spare before 5 o’clock.”

The Raven and his android clones give Martha Stewart a run for her money.
The Raven has put together robots that look just like him “to help with the chores.” They create a delightful meal for Wendy, Marvin, and Super Dog, because that’s how classy this super villain is. He also takes them on a tour of his lair.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, the first season is available on DVD.

More Punny TV Names – Because I Have a Serious Problem and Can’t Stop

I wrote a previous post about the groan-inducing titles of television shows that work a characters name in the title, sometimes with the clever grace of Gallagher’s mallet.

Here are five more titles that I think will inevitably end up on our television screen for our eye holes.

Connie Get a What What – An ASL teacher in the inner city tries to balance work, life, and keep her affair with the school principal a secret.

I Hear a Tiffany – Tiffany plays the flute in an orchestra by day or night, depending on the scheduled performances, and plays the “flute” as a porn actress by day or night, depending on the orchestra’s performances. There’s a lot of chaotic mad dashes between concert halls and studios, and changing clothes in the back of taxi cabs.

Drew Wrote the Book of Love – I am 100% confidant this will eventually be a Dr. Drew reality show.

A Dave in the Life – Dave Johnson is fresh out of college and has to move in with his aunt and uncle, Jodie and Stephen Life. Hijinks and generational misunderstandings ensue.

Supply and Da Man – Reggie “Supply” Jones, a notorious drug kingpin, ends up in prison and strikes up an unlikely friendship with the warden, Manny Moore.

Becky See, Becky Do – Becky has the uncanny ability to read Ikea assembly instructions and get it right the first time without any confusion. She becomes a millionaire helping others put together funny sounding furniture.

My punny show is “Carried Away,” what’s yours?