Category: Saturday Morning Ridiculousness

Season 2, Episode 3, Storyline D – “Space Emergency”

Original Airdate: September 24, 1977

Magic, Part 1
I know we’ve already seen it before, but I still need to take a moment and dwell on the fact the Superfriends (one word on this sign, two in the show) have their own “Magic Theater.” Where is it located? Is it in the Hall of Justice? Do they do shows? Can you buy an annual pass? What the hell?

This week, Aquaman tells us we will amaze our friends with this magic trick. All we need is:

“We know that paper is easily torn. Even thin wood is much stronger than paper, usually, but these news pages can cause these boards to break.” Then, he takes a “stick,” beats the board with it, and breaks the board.  He says he’ll let us know how he can “break this board as the result of the way I put this paper on it.” If this isn’t making any sense to you, it’s because it doesn’t make any sense. As far as I can tell, this is the “magic trick” –

I have a feeling he’s showing us how to do the magic trick first, and then we’ll find out what the end result/illusion is later. But, he didn’t say that. Aquaman is a horrible teacher.

Short Synopsis: This week is called “Space Emergency.” Guess what!? There’s an emergency in space! Some astronauts, their shuttle, and Sky Lab are all in trouble – sirens are blazing, there is smoke and shaky camera work – oh no! They’re heading toward “deep space” with only an hour of life support left.

Hawkman and Hawkgirl
This week’s special guests are Hawkman and Hawkgirl. They’re teaming up with Wonder Woman.

I was going to complain about the man/girl name assignments, then, I saw on Wikipedia that she re-named herself Hawkwoman in the early 1980s. Miss Hawkwoman if you’re nasty.

This is their obscene airplane:

The Sky Lab is Headed Straight for the Sun!
The space shuttle and Sky Lab get separated because of the incompetent Vector/Lock button pushing, making this Space EMERGENCIES, now.

Hawkman lets Wonder Woman know that Sky Lab is hurtling toward the sun and Wonder Woman responds with:

“I’ve got to reach it before tremendous heat destroys it.” – Wonder Woman

And they don’t respond with, “yeah, no shit,” which is the most unrealistic thing about this whole episode.

Magic, Part II
I want my money back. I didn’t pay for this magic trick lesson, but I should still get my money back. I’m actually filled with rage right now.

Aquaman explains the magic trick is that when he hits the board with the stick and the newspaper isn’t laid over the board, the board just flips off the table, but when the newspaper is laid over the board, like so:

THEN, that allows the board to be broken because there’s enough resistance against the newspaper.

Except, you know what? YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE NEWSPAPER ON THE FIRST BOARD WHEN YOU BROKE IT. I hate you, animators. I hate you, Aquaman. That is not a magic trick.

WTF Screenshots
Forget the space emergency, Wonder Woman, and The Hawks, what’s going on with this guy? I want to know his story. What’s in his pocket? Maybe his butt itches? Who is he?

How does Wonder Woman save the Sky Lab? “Flying in circles at hypersonic speed, Wonder Woman creates an artificial planet with grrrravity.” – Narrator.  Yeah, sure she did.

While trying to help the space shuttle by attaching “an umbilical lifeline” to it, Hawkman runs into some trouble. “I’ve got to protect myself from these meteors!” Top of my list of ideas: wear a shirt.

Health
“You know, Robin, quite often people choke on a piece of food they’re eating.” –Batman

And then, this happened:

You’ve been a great audience, good night!

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Season 2, Episode 3, Storyline B – “Hitchhike”

Original Airdate: September 24, 1977

Safety Segment
This week it’s about approaching dogs properly.

Wonder Woman swings down from her lasso and tells two 1970s children to always let a dog sniff your hand first before you pet him. Of course, if that dog’s owner was anywhere to be found, perhaps Wonder Woman wouldn’t have to spend her time lying in wait in a tree for children and a dog to meet up in the exact right spot.

Short Synopsis: The name of this segment is “Hitchhike,” and it stars the Wonder Twins. But, we all already know they aren’t going to end up in pieces scattered down Route 66, so I’m already disappointed.

“A busy intersection of Central City, where an unsuspecting young girl is about to take a very unpleasant ride.” – Narrator

Jody and Beth are waiting for the bus to take them to the beach (the same way Aquaman gets to the beach). Jody says they should skip the bus, hitchhike and “save the fare for the jukebox.”

Beth, the big square who doesn’t want to be sold as a sex slave, opts for the bus. Jody decides to hitchhike, and what could go wrong? She assures Beth that she “never accepts rides from creeps.” She tells Beth she’ll meet her at “the beach entrance.” What beach are they going to that has a single entrance and a jukebox in the sand?

Jody, you don’t know what “I don’t accept rides from creeps” means, do you?
Within 2 seconds of sticking out her thumb, this guy, who totally doesn’t look in any way like a creep, pulls up and asks her where she’s headed.

She gets in his car without any hesitation. That Jody thought she had a good head on her shoulders, until it ended up in a bowling bag in that guy’s trunk. I’m just kidding, he didn’t decapitate her, this is a Saturday morning children’s show.

“Later, at the beach.” – Narrator
Jody’s ride does take her all the way to the beach, right up to the entrance, where Beth responsibly awaits.

Beth notices Jody in the car of the non-creep, who has told Jody that she won’t be going to the beach today. Beth uses the nearby pay phone to call for help. So, Beth would have had more money for the jukebox, but Jody screwed her over.

WTF Screenshots
Y’all, I hate the Wonder Twins. I can’t stand their stupid purple uniforms and Jayna’s dumb soft serve hairdo and Zan’s crappy water transformations. I hate:

Their stupid Teen Trouble alert wrist watches.

Their dumb travel arrangement.

Their wacky tennis matches.

The problem I have with the Wonder Twins is that, unlike The Justice League characters, they don’t have a rich history of heroism to ruin so I can laugh at it. No, they sprung forth fully formed and sucking, so that takes a lot of the fun out of it for me.

But once Jody’s on that beach, “Undercover Angel” blasting from the Jukebox, it’ll all be worth it.
The perfect gentleman slows down due to a winding road, and Jody takes advantage, tossing herself out of the moving vehicle.

Perfect Gentleman chases her down.

Zan and Jayna to the rescue.
Blah blah blah, the guy, who turned out to be a total creep (surprise!) ends up in Zan’s “ice jail.”

Then, Jody assures everyone she’s learned her lesson about hitchhiking, and Gleek is chased by a seagull.

De-Coder Part 1

Superman shows up at a place giving away free hot air balloon baloon rides. Wait a second, didn’t we JUST learn that free rides only lead to being chased down by a dirty creep? Now I’m completely confused. And, I would think that you should never, ever accept a free balloon ride if the person offering it can’t spell “balloon” correctly.

The clue is “the price of the hot air baloon rides.” Oh, wow. Ok. Let me think.Oh, geez. I’m just glad I have a whole week to think about it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Season 2, Episode 3, Storyline A – “Invasion of The Hydronoids”

Original Airdate: September 24, 1977

Short Synopsis: See, I told you Robin doesn’t count as a person when they “pair off” for emergencies.

I’ve gotten spoiled. Usually, the narrator provides a wonderfully cheesy synopsis I can quote that spares me from actually describing what’s happening. But this time, there wasn’t one. My guess is that he’s asleep in the corner of the sound booth with a bottle of booze in his hand. So, I have to do it my self:

“In the deep recesses of the ocean, strange things are afoot. Splashing into the water with the force of a thousand toddlers taking a bath, is a mysterious space ship, with mysterious creatures aboard.”- Carrie

They are the Hydronoids. They have landed on earth to execute “Plan X, to erase the minds of the earthlings.’

Alright, Hydronoids, you got me there.
Just when I was about to make fun of another race of creatures who love pink weapons of mass destruction,  one of the Hydronoids calls it “The Mind Eraser.” Erasers are pink, ergo, this gadget should be pink. You win, Hydronoids.

The Mind Eraser flashes a green light (should be pink, duh), and then everyone in the area turns green and their minds are blank. Sooooo, zombies who don’t eat people.

Aquaman is as surprised as anyone that he may have something to do this week.
“The only clue is some seaweed found on the docks where the glow came from.” – Man relaying the news.

We all know Aquaman’s no dummy – he can put two and two (or plate and plate) together with the best of them: “SEAWEED! That means the trouble was caused by something from the ocean, my territory.” – Aquaman

I know someone who’s getting ice cream on the way home after!

Hydronoids, you only had to wait 30 years, this shit would have taken care of itself.
The reason they want to erase all the humans’ brains is because “they will be unable to continue their development of their space travel.”

On the other hand.
The Hydronois don’t want the humans to eventually ruin hydro-planets like they’re ruining their own ocean. The episode is set in the Gulf Coast. *cough*

YES!
Four minutes in, and look who’s turned green and can blame his blank mind on the eraser?

You know, tomorrow is my birthday, for real. I think this may have been the universe’s present to me.

And now Aquaman has been programmed to fight Batman and Robin.
Universe, you’re too kind! I can’t take this many presents!

Aquaman sends a school of barracudas after Batman and Robin. Barracudas lie low in the weeds, ambush people, and then bring them to their knees (source: Barracuda by Heart).

Batman and Robin need to think fast! And, just when my little heart couldn’t take anymore, they bust out their inflatable dolls.

Oh, Batman, you’re too much.
“Quick, Robin, we’ve got to return Aquaman’s mind.” – Batman

With no Wendy and Marvin, who will get stuck on ships with villains now?
Batman, Robin, and Aquaman, that’s who. Aquaman gets his “mind” back, but then the Hydronoids decide to flee with the Super Friends on their face-shaped ship. Aquaman has whales pile on the ship so it can’t go anywhere.

“Looks like you’ve been caught, hook, line, and spaceship.” – Aquaman, who DOES have his mind back at the time.

Then, the whole thing wraps up with some kind of half-lecture about keeping oceans clean and then Robin sums it up: “Holy unfair exchanges, I’d rather have my mind than a tuna sandwich, any day.” A tuna sandwich any day, indeed.

Just because it’s my birthday, doesn’t mean you leave empty-handed.
I made this for you. You’re welcome.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Season 2, Episode 2, Storyline D – “The Antidote”

Original Airdate: September 17, 1977

CRAFT TIME!
“This isn’t some strange fish face, it’s a rattler!” – Aquaman

Aquaman explains that The Wonder Twins are having a party later, and “they’re going to like this rhythm instrument.” Because that’s what teenagers throwing a party love best – two paper plates glued together with some beans in between.

And, for some reason, probably because it’s Aquaman and he needed to learn it in two separate sessions, the craft instruction for gluing two plates together and drawing a smiley face on each side is split into “Part 1” and “Part 2.”

Really, you guys, Aquaman draws two faces on two plates and then lets us know that “I’ll be back in a few minutes to tell you how to finish it.”

I’ll try not to spoil the surprise.

Short Synopsis: “Deep in a remote region of India, a peaceful village is about to be shaken with disaster.” I thought he was referring to the fact that the Super Friends were about to visit, but it’s actually an earthquake.

“In the dense jungle nearby, hundreds of poisonous cobras are driven in fear of the earthquake toward the unsuspecting village.” – Narrator, narrating.

The cobras then bite hundreds of villagers and everybody ran out of antidote serum, so they called the Super Friends to help. Unfortunately for Apache Chief, he was at headquarters, probably dropping off Aquaman’s beans and glue, and he gets stuck in the guest star slot this week.

Wonder Woman doesn’t like it when you tell her she didn’t do enough.
Wonder Woman and Apache Chief show up with a little wimpy box of serum. The guy in charge tells them “thanks, but it’s not nearly enough,” and Wonder Woman shoots him this look:

Then she shoot’s Apache this look:

This is what makes the Super Friends the Super Friends
When told that they didn’t bring enough serum, Apache Chief informs the guy that would clearly already know that the serum is made from the venom of cobras that the serum is made from the venom of cobras. Wonder Woman and Apache Chief are all “oh, well, it can’t be done.” You know, because they’re SUPER HEROES.

A random man folding towels is like, “well I thought about it for more than a second and a half, and I think there may be a way to do it.” So Apache Chief and Wonder Woman stare at him with mouths agape as he explains.

Ok, in fairness, he tells them to find “Kataru, the legendary giant king cobra, who lives in a hidden temple somewhere in the jungle.” So he may just be crazy and/or it really is local knowledge they wouldn’t have, but, my point about their instantly giving up still stands.

Kamaru, or Kataru, depending on who’s saying it.
Folding towel man tells WW and AC that not only is Kataru a giant king cobra, he can also control other animals and is the King of the Jungle. Kataru seems like a cheerful guy to me, and that’s in spite of people not actually knowing what his name is.

Wonder Woman makes it inside the temple and exclaims, “Kataru, he’s even bigger than I imagined!” And we all know how active Wonder Woman’s imagination is (see above paragraph about her lack of problem solving skills).

C’mon Apache Chief, we all know why you’re here. Get to growin’.
For some reason, Apache Chief is delegated to dealing with the local animals Kataru has dispensed, and Wonder Woman, who cannot grow to giant size, is left to deal with the giant cobra. That doesn’t work out well (where’s towel folding guy when you need him), so Apache Chief has to save Wonder Woman from the temple.

Then, they get the venom they need, thank Kataru, and don’t make him breakfast or call him the next day or anything. Poor Kataru. Or Kamaru.

CRAFT TIME PART II!
It’s time to add the filling! Please pay extra close attention because this is really complicated: take your beans and put them inside one of the plates, NOT on the part of the plate that you drew the face, the other side. THEY MAKE THE RATTLING SOUND, Aquaman tells us, that’s why they have to be on the inside.

Then, hold up the glue and smile like an idiot.

Then, put glue around the inside rim of the plate.

Put the other plate on top (face side out), then put it somewhere “to dry overnight.”

You know, it’s odd, they didn’t show any footage of Zan and Jayna being really impressed and excited when Aquaman brings the “sun rattle” to their party. Oh, well, everyone must have had so much fun listening to beans shake that they forgot to turn on the camera.

Health.
“Don’t smoke, it doesn’t make you grown up, it makes you a loser.” – Superman

If you want to be a grown up, glue two plates together and show up at a party with it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.