Online chat I just had with Tom, we were previously discussing him working from home (it helps if you know the plot of The Shining):
me: I’m not right in the head and I haven’t had coworkers for a while
Tom: I have been waiting for you to chase me and the dogs through the hedge maze. Swinging Elliott* at us.
me: I don’t have the energy. I’m a boring insane person
Tom: Ghosts constantly nagging you to kill us all. “Eh, maybe I’ll do it later.” There’s a post there somewhere.
me: “You want them dead so bad, you do it.”
Tom: On the other side, you wouldn’t survive if I flipped out, because you wouldn’t make the phone call to get Scatman Caruthers, and you wouldn’t want to run around outside.**
me: That’s true. “Eh, I’d rather die than have to make a phone call.” That’s why telepathy is such a convenient power to have, you don’t have to pick up the phone. And, I would never make it back out of that maze.***
Tom: Also true! So, the lesson is, you need to be the one to flip out, so we all survive.
me: And what did I do when I flipped out last night?**** I went to bed early, then couldn’t get to sleep, and then we watched VEEP. Everybody lived.
*Elliott is our jerk of a cat.
**I’m allergic to outside and also have no tolerance for weather that isn’t between 55-74 degrees.
***I have no sense of direction.
****Moving causes several breakdowns on my part. We’re at the point where I’d like to just set fire to all of our belongings (but don’t because of the previously mentioned laziness). This is not a pleasant moving phase for anyone involved.
There’s an endless amount of reasons why I’m happy I’m no longer a teenager. While packing and rifling through stuff, we found two of those reasons in a box of papers.
The first is a treasured relic from the Art Department of the high school Tom and I went to:
This is a Bathroom Buck. It was given to students by a teacher named Mr. Downing, who wanted total control and had a lot of rules in his class, but had no air of authority whatsoever. He was openly mocked and I’m not sure if he either knew it and pretended otherwise, or if he just really didn’t pick up on it. I’m sure the Bathroom Buck was developed because one too many teens blatantly wandered away from his class. He taught photography, and for photography projects, we were really only allowed in the small area right outside the classroom, which was a huge concrete-covered area with railings and stairs. The number of photographs of sullen introspective teenagers sitting on or standing under stairs is probably in the thousands.
I know this is Tom’s Bathroom Buck, because I’m sure I used all of mine. Notice that it says “void if presented at an inappropriate moment.” You see what I mean? Lots of rules with no air of authority.
As an adult who has grown accustomed to a certain level of being able to use the bathroom whenever she wants, the sight of this Bathroom Buck fills me with dread. While I’m sure plenty of high school students did plenty of bad and naughty stuff under the guise of a bathroom break, to teenagers like me, who actually had to use the bathroom, the constant outside control of my bladder was really nerve wracking.
This leads me to the second treasure. In the grand scheme of things, I was a pretty good teenager. I didn’t do drugs, didn’t drink, etc, probably 60% because I wasn’t interested and 40% because I was always grounded due to being a crappy student, which was my major teenager-y flaw. As I’ve written about before, my personality type is pretty straight-laced, so as far as getting into trouble, I wasn’t that bad. I was, however, moody (still am, unfortunately). Even girls who are Myers-Briggs Thinking (as opposed to Feeling) get the Teenage Mope. Here’s a picture of me at Christmas, I was probably 16 at the time:
This picture fills me with all sorts of feelings, but the the main one is hilarity, which I’m declaring a feeling for the purpose of this sentence. There I am, poor teenage Carrie, at my aunt and uncle’s house for Christmas, surrounded by family who love me after probably receiving a gift I asked for. And the thing that I really like about the whole thing is that I bet my dad took this picture because he thought it was funny. Why else would you take a picture of that pile of teenage self-pity?
When Tom found it, he held it up and said “awwwwww, look at sad Carrie.” And he did seem to genuinely feel bad for her. And a part of me does, too, because that Carrie really was sad at the time, but for the most part, it makes me laugh. This is why, if we develop time travel technology, I should never be allowed to visit my past selves.
Maybe she’s sad because she used all her Bathroom Bucks. And that’s how you tie together a blog post.
Season 2, Episode 3, Storyline D – “Space Emergency”
Original Airdate: September 24, 1977
Magic, Part 1
I know we’ve already seen it before, but I still need to take a moment and dwell on the fact the Superfriends (one word on this sign, two in the show) have their own “Magic Theater.” Where is it located? Is it in the Hall of Justice? Do they do shows? Can you buy an annual pass? What the hell?
"This magic show sucks!"
This week, Aquaman tells us we will amaze our friends with this magic trick. All we need is:
“We know that paper is easily torn. Even thin wood is much stronger than paper, usually, but these news pages can cause these boards to break.” Then, he takes a “stick,” beats the board with it, and breaks the board. He says he’ll let us know how he can “break this board as the result of the way I put this paper on it.” If this isn’t making any sense to you, it’s because it doesn’t make any sense. As far as I can tell, this is the “magic trick” –
I have a feeling he’s showing us how to do the magic trick first, and then we’ll find out what the end result/illusion is later. But, he didn’t say that. Aquaman is a horrible teacher.
Short Synopsis: This week is called “Space Emergency.” Guess what!? There’s an emergency in space! Some astronauts, their shuttle, and Sky Lab are all in trouble – sirens are blazing, there is smoke and shaky camera work – oh no! They’re heading toward “deep space” with only an hour of life support left.
What are you, idiots!? You NEVER press the Lock and Vector buttons at the same time.
Hawkman and Hawkgirl
This week’s special guests are Hawkman and Hawkgirl. They’re teaming up with Wonder Woman.
I was going to complain about the man/girl name assignments, then, I saw on Wikipedia that she re-named herself Hawkwoman in the early 1980s. Miss Hawkwoman if you’re nasty.
This is their obscene airplane:
The Sky Lab is Headed Straight for the Sun!
The space shuttle and Sky Lab get separated because of the incompetent Vector/Lock button pushing, making this Space EMERGENCIES, now.
Hawkman lets Wonder Woman know that Sky Lab is hurtling toward the sun and Wonder Woman responds with:
“I’ve got to reach it before tremendous heat destroys it.” – Wonder Woman
And they don’t respond with, “yeah, no shit,” which is the most unrealistic thing about this whole episode.
Magic, Part II
I want my money back. I didn’t pay for this magic trick lesson, but I should still get my money back. I’m actually filled with rage right now.
Aquaman explains the magic trick is that when he hits the board with the stick and the newspaper isn’t laid over the board, the board just flips off the table, but when the newspaper is laid over the board, like so:
THEN, that allows the board to be broken because there’s enough resistance against the newspaper.
Except, you know what? YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE NEWSPAPER ON THE FIRST BOARD WHEN YOU BROKE IT. I hate you, animators. I hate you, Aquaman. That is not a magic trick.
WTF Screenshots
Forget the space emergency, Wonder Woman, and The Hawks, what’s going on with this guy? I want to know his story. What’s in his pocket? Maybe his butt itches? Who is he?
How does Wonder Woman save the Sky Lab? “Flying in circles at hypersonic speed, Wonder Woman creates an artificial planet with grrrravity.” – Narrator. Yeah, sure she did.
While trying to help the space shuttle by attaching “an umbilical lifeline” to it, Hawkman runs into some trouble. “I’ve got to protect myself from these meteors!” Top of my list of ideas: wear a shirt.
Health
“You know, Robin, quite often people choke on a piece of food they’re eating.” –Batman
And then, this happened:
You’ve been a great audience, good night!
I should really be packing right now. We’re at that stage where not everything is packed, but a lot of it is, so you reach this false sense of security while also being stressed out by the mess. I look around and marvel that anyone ever actually moves all their stuff from one place to another.
We’ve been going through junk drawers and boxes of paper. This has unearthed a few gems.
In the junk drawer in the kitchen, I found this IOU that Tom made me for my birthday several years ago. We often joke that I can get fixated on something and feel that one thing will set off a string of events that will then lead to me being a capable, responsible person (moving, coincidentally, is one of these things, as well). In the case of this IOU, that thing was a filter that attaches to a ceiling fan. Tom, as you already know, has an excellent sense of humor and luckily I have one about myself:
Time has passed, and I never ended up with the ceiling fan thingy, and I can’t exactly remember how it would have led to never-ending happiness, but I’m sure my case was airtight and we’ll never know for sure if I was right because I didn’t get one.
I was going to share everything I’ve found so far, but if I don’t start packing again, my generous sister and brother-in-law, who are coming to help us move, are going to slaughter me with my still-unpacked knives.
I was on Facebook the other day, and this ad caught my eye:
So many questions filled my mind: Why does me liking The Godfather mean I would be a good substance abuse counselor? Is that sexy green-haired girl the addict or the counselor? Do I HAVE to?
I like to try and make sense of things, so I started thinking, and I guess if you consider that Vito Corleone opposed the families getting into the heroin trade, it could be marginally related to drug counseling.
Then I thought, the random pairings of movies and occupations is something I would probably be good at. Here’s a group of ads to show my ability and to announce my availability to meet all of your nonsensical film and career combination needs.
