Posts – Page 13 – Cannibalistic Nerd

We say this about every house we buy BUT THIS TIME IT WILL HAPPEN

It’s happened. Our house is sold. It’s a really big relief, like a pimple you’ve had for four years and haven’t been able to pop and then someone comes along and buys it or something.

Now that we’ve been unburdened of the house we didn’t want, it’s time to burden ourselves with a new house! THIS house, this house is going to be the best house, and not only is it going to be perfect, it’s going to change us on a molecular level. We will become capable, responsible adults, ready to tackle any and every obstacle that comes our way in a timely manner.

The KitchenAid mixer I love but have used maybe three times? I’m gonna make it rain cookies all over this land. That sewing machine I’ve owned for a decade and have never learned how to use? BAM – have a quilt you don’t want or need, family member! The books that will line the books shelves that I’ve yet to open? Get your asses ready, eyeballs! Pinterest is going to look at my house and tie cement blocks to its feet, paddle out to the middle of a lake, and then jump in. And you know what? I’ll bake a delicious casserole for Pinterest’s grieving widow or widower because I’M ALL OVER THAT SHIT.

I can’t help but also notice that all of this is happening around New Year’s. It’s a perfect perfect storm? This is no fail, right? RIGHT?

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9 – Safety Segment

It’s been a couple of weeks, I know. And it’s high time I do a new installment of Super Friends. Buuuut – it’s the holidays, and to really give it the attention it deserves (I can’t believe I just wrote that), I’m going to hold off one more week before we dive into another storyline.

So, this week it’s a quick trip through the safety segment.

Two kids race down a hill on their bikes. They stop and the girl says, “I WIN! Let’s do it again, this time with no hands!”

Batman and Robin drive up in the Batmobile. Off-road. They just pull up in their car on the freshly mowed grass like the world is their pavement. To teach a lesson about safety.

The kids then ask Batman and Robin if they want to watch them race down the hill using no hands, and Robin asks, “Hey, isn’t that dangerous?” Well, Robin, if you guys don’t know…

“The only thing showing off does is give you a chance to get hurt,” Batman condescends. The kids say they hadn’t thought about that and then Batman and Robin head out WAIT A SECOND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?

A fucking road appears out of nowhere to try and make Batman and Robin look less like the jackasses we all know they are.

And look! They obviously stole those children’s bikes, too. Sure, Batman, all in the name of safety, asshole.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today my dad would have been sixty-three years old. He died seven and a half years ago unexpectedly (what I hope will prove to be the suckiest thing to happen in my life). Allen Williford had a birthday three days after Christmas. I think most everyone knows someone with a near-Christmas birthday. He wasn’t a showy guy and the only way I knew he didn’t like “combo-presents” and such is because my mom told me. He was such a great person – the kind of person who should have had a birthday in the middle of nowhere on the calendar so that he could be showered with birthday-only affection and acknowledgments.

So, today, I just want to take a moment and tell the greatest dad in my world Happy Birthday and then also just a little shake of my fist in the universe’s general direction because I don’t get to tell him in person.

And so you can know him a little, here’s a moment I completely forgot about but was recently reminded of by my husband:

My dad, Tom, my mom, my sister, and I were all having lunch a little restaurant near my house (they had come down to Georgia to visit.) Out of nowhere, this kid (maybe about eighteen years old) comes up to my Dad and asks him if he knows how to tie a tie (he had one draped around his neck, pathetically waiting for a wise man to help out), and if so, would he tie his. My dad said, “I’ll do you one better, I’ll teach you how to tie a tie.” And so, my dad taught this complete stranger how to tie a tie in the middle of a restaurant.

This guy was with other people, also eating lunch. My dad was not wearing a tie. He chose my dad out of the entire restaurant. Why? Because, and I don’t know how else to put it, of course you would choose my dad out of the blue to help you tie your tie – he just had this aura that said, “I am a very capable person and can help you out.”

So Happy Birthday to my dad, who once taught a kid to tie a tie during lunchtime at a restaurant.

Gift Guide for the hard-to-shop-for people in your life

We all have that one person who’s so hard to shop for – no matter how much thought you put into it, you just can’t come up with something that’s really gonna knock their socks off (the ones you bought for them last year). Well, friends, here’s where I come in. I think I’ve covered about every type of hard-to-shop-for type there is. Below you should find an idea for that special someone in your life.

For the Sadist/Boxing Helena fan:

61OudpvtcOL._AA1228_ — This item is perfect for people who both hate AND love Hello Kitty to a disturbing degree.

For the ambitiously lazy people in your life:

61JnRcHXwSL._SL1000_ — Want to feel like a superhero crime fighter but actually only want to have to get off the couch to use the bathroom (if that often)? Then here’s the item for you.

Is your friend or relative more of an ambitiously lazy jack hole? Then get them the joker version:

For the Fecal Enthusiast:

Go on, take a shit in the dark! Then, cover your ass with all sorts of chemicals designed to illuminate your leavings!

For the Living Pitcher of Beverage lover:

It’s a crystal encrusted Kool-Aid Man! On a necklace! Oh Yeah!

What’s that, you say? Your friend is more of a Supportive Tiger Who Over Pronounces ‘R’ kind of gal, but only the top half of him? Well, duh:

For the person who always says, “I like garden gnomes, but I don’t want them in my yard, I’d rather use them to wash my junk. In other news, I also like the smell of watermelon.”

Yes, it is watermelon scented gnome soap on a rope.

For the lumberjack who doesn’t want to be emasculated among his lumberjack friends because he has to take a nap on a regular pillow:

I hope this has been of help to you this holiday season.

P.S. Congrats to Misty and Cindy, the winners of the 15-months-or-so anniversary giveaway from last week!

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9 – “Attack of the Giant Squid”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9, Storyline A – “Attack of the Giant Squid”

Original Airdate – October 29, 1977

Short Synopsis: “Deep in the depths of the Phillippine Sea, strange experiments are taking place in the remote underwater laboratory of Dr. Pisces.” – Narrator

How strange? I’m just going to have to quote directly:

“This electrode device we’ve implanted will enlarge this squid to twenty times its size. And, when we set him loose, the device will cause his ink to spread and enlarge all other marine life to enormous proportions.” – Dr. Pisces

GIANT CLAM BAKE!

Dr. Pisces’ assistant seems to think it’s a bad idea, but the Doc says it will solve the world’s food shortage. The assistant warns The Super Friends, because he hates starving people – or loves starving people – in any case, The Super Friends are aware.

You can tell that Dr. Pisces is the one in the wrong in the “let’s make sea life even more bigger” argument because of the goatee-beard combo:

Superman made the major mistake of standing beside Aquaman during the Trouble Alert, so he get stuck helping out.

“Instantly, Superman and Aquaman race to the Philippine Sea.” – Narrator

I would joke that of course they did it instantly, but we all know that the Super Friends take. their. damn. time. So, it makes sense that the Narrator specifies.

“Superman, those aren’t whales, they’re monster sized tuna.” – Aquaman

“Meanwhile, a luxury ocean liner steams peacefully along, completely unaware of the fate that awaits it.” – Narrator.

Yeeeahhh, Narrator, pretty much every ocean liner isn’t aware of it’s fate because ocean liners aren’t self aware OR clairvoyant.

The squid takes the whole ship under, but the crew made it water tight, so they’re safe…for now!

I know this is going to come to a shock to some of you. Most likely, you’re already sitting down, but if you aren’t, I suggest you find a fainting couch or bean bag chair. If you are ready to hear this earth shattering news, proceed below:

Aquaman tries to telepathically control the squid but can’t.

I’ll give you a minute to let it sink in…

Aquaman is like, “hey stop that!” but with those sonic circles and the squid is all, “haha, no” but instead of saying it, he just keeps sinking the ship. It is really action packed.

Superman and Aquaman decide the only way to stop the squid is to get it back to normal size, so they look for Dr. Pisces.

“Dr. Pisces is going to have an uninvited guest…by the name of SUPERMAN!!!” – Superman

Superman, you are sharing a storyline with AQUAMAN. You have to work really hard to seem more silly than him, and yet there you are, breaking a sweat being a big ol’ dork.

“HELP! LET ME OUT!” Yells Dr. Pisces’ assistant from inside a closet.

“There’s someone behind that door!” Superman seems to need to exclaim to himself. Oy.

Mr. Assistant hands Superman some device that will shrink the squid, and so Superman LEAVES without doing anything about Dr. Pisces.

Oh, it’s one of THOSE storylines.

Yes, it’s that time again for something stupid to happen to Superman so that the other super hero can save him and look cool. This time, Superman, while drilling a hole in a cave (literally, you perverts) is struck by a kryptonite ray thanks to Dr. Pisces, who Superman didn’t do anything about previously.

Aquaman disables the kryptonite ray with some electric eels and then apprehends Dr. Pisces in the best worst way:

They shrink the squid, the luxury liner gets returned to the top of the sea (none the wiser), and Dr. Pisces is delivered to the authorities.

Back at the League Headquarters, it’s time for the story ending zinger! This week it comes from Superman – “Who’d want to eat an 100 pound shrimp cocktail!”

Ha ha ha. Maybe starving people?