Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11, Storyline A – “The Fifty Foot Woman”
Original Airdate – November 12, 1977
Short Synopsis: “Surrounded by the vastness of the barren desert, lies the secret laboratory of professor Amy Zahn.” – Narrator
We see professor Zahn take a beaker of blue stuff and poor it into some red stuff and then it becomes all red stuff.
“Soon, women will be as strong as men! We will no longer be the weaker sex!”
Dammit, didn’t we JUST go over this? All aboard the misguided faux feminist train, toot toot!
Her (female) assistant tells her that women don’t need physical strength to be equal to men and Professor tells her she’s living in a dream world.
This was about the time that doping became such a serious problem in the scientific community.
Just like The Incredible Hulk, Professor Zahn shows us that when you grow to gigantic size, your clothes will become tattered but will not actually be ripped from your giant body:
What’s the first thing she does? Evil laughs. Just does A LOT of laughing. She now finds everything funny.
The assistant warns the Super Friends. Wonder Woman tells her to try and find an antidote and she and Batman and Robin will track the professor down.
Please stop saying “streak into action,” narrator.
That’s quite enough.
Wonder Woman takes her invisible jet and Batman and Robin take their visible jet to some place they seem to magically know the professor is at.
“So, women are the weaker sex! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Professor Zahn exclaims joyfully. She is in a REALLY good mood, y’all.
What’s the plan?
“Try to distract Professor Zahn with your invisible jet. Robin and I will put our bat plan to work!” – Batman
First of all, how about the VISIBLE jet be the distraction? Second of all, a “bat plan” is like a regular plan, but extremely shitty and goes wrong immediatly, apparently:
She then tells Batman that he’s perfect for her next experiment: to see if the formula will work on a man, too.
HOLD UP. Why would you want that? That would just make him as big and probably stronger than you. I thought the point was that you wanted to be stronger? For a professor she’s a real dum dum.
She decides that some scientific research ship (which is right nearby) is the perfect place for her experiment.
Now that Batman’s out of the picture…
things are running much smoother. Wonder Woman sends Robin to buy some time at the ship while she flies out to pick up the assistant and the antidote.
How does Robin distract her? Let’s say that the ship is a cookie jar, and Robin is a cookie. She sticks her hand in and then gets stuck.
Wonder Woman then returns with the assistant and the antidote and Professor Zahn is made normal again.
Oh, Good, Lesson Learned.
“I guess I’ve learned that physical strength is not the measure of equality, it’s strength of character that’s important.” – Zahn.
So, so true. All right everyone, let’s pack it in and — what’s that? Wonder Woman, you want to add one last thing? Ok, then.
“Besides, at fifty feet tall, you wouldn’t be able to find anything in your dress size!”
Super Friends Season 2, Episode 10, Storyline D – “Alaska Peril”
Original Airdate – November 5th, 1977
Short Synopsis: “Alaska – a frozen frontier, where an expedition of environmental scientists travel deeper into this uninhabited region than anyone has ever traveled before.” – Narrator
We see two vehicles which don’t look to be equipped for that kind of terrain – one has the three important people (Professor Dalton and his two assistants) and the other one has a couple of nobodies:
The important people even have fur lined coats and the other ones don’t.
A loud roar echoes through the area, and, as the smart environmentalists they are, they head straight for it.
They drive around and then, there, really hamming it up and chewing scenery, is the super roar-y Abominable Snowman.
He picks up the car, Professor Dalton falls out, and then takes off with his new found friends.
The Professor presumably gets a ride with the other car and manages to get in touch with the Super Friends.
Later, at the Hall of Justice
“A 40 ft. abominable snowman has taken my two assistants and disappeared into the Alaskan wilderness!” And you thought you were having a bad day!
Apache Chief, this week’s special guest, informs everyone that he’s “familiar with the creature.” Now THAT is a story I want to see – how did Apache Chief run into a Yeti?
Batman and Robin will join him, and Batman reassures the Professor that they “will leave immediately.”
He wasn’t joking, they didn’t even stop to get their coats.
Layers, Apache Chief, layers.
Way to track, dudes.
They come across a giant footprint and decide to follow the trail.
Apache Chief, the nakedest of the trio, will track on the ground while Batman and Robin will follow above in their nice, warm helicopter.
Yeahhhh, they walked right past it.
Yeti Spaghetti gets the upper hand on them. He puts down the car (NO THE LADIES DO NOT TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ESCAPE) and starts hurling pine trees at them.
He lands a blow to the batcopter. What are they going to do!? They’re in a tailspin, rapidly approaching the ground. Duh.
The Bat Cushion is great! The best part is, it can safely absorb the impact of a helicopter crash but doesn’t disturb the wine glass I placed on it.
“Later, after repairing the batcopter.”
All three take a copter ride to look for Yeti Spaghetti. They eventually find him in a river. He has placed the car on a little glacier.
Apache exclaims, “quickly, I know how to stop the beast!” And then he fucking jumps out of the helicopter.
He safely lands feet first on a little glacier, grows to Yeti’s size, and then he and the Yeti start rough housing in the water (if there were a lifeguard there would be so much whistling).
Batman and Robin save the ladies while those two struggle. Then, Apache Chief gets Yeti in a bear hug. According to the narrator, Apache supposedly spoke the animal’s language and convinced him to give up the fight. But by the look on Yeti’s face, it seems more likely to me that the whole thing had just gotten so awkward he didn’t want to stay.
More proof I’m right? In the last scene, Apache Chief tells everyone Yeti was only protecting his environment, and the Professor says he wishes the Yeti knew that was their intent, as well.
Batman says, “Perhaps he will, someday.”
Why doesn’t Apache Chief just tell him? I thought he could communicate? My awkward hug theory is looking better by the minute.
Health Segment
Basically, there’s been a terrible car crash, and a young girl tearily explains to Batman and Robin that her boyfriend had been driving drunk and goes into tragic detail of what happens. And, in the background, the hilarious wacky Super Friends music plays. It’s pretty weird.
This weekend, Tom and I went to an antiques store. It was huge – old stuff as far as the eye could see. I don’t like to look at old stuff with a full bladder so I sought out the bathroom. As soon as I opened the door, I was greeted with this cheery message:
“OH YEAH, just watch me flush the toilet after my use,” I thought to myself. What can I say, I’ve always been a bit of a rebel.
There were two stalls. In one stall some square had dutifully done what THE MAN told her to do – not flush. I rolled my eyes at such blind compliance to the arbitrary rules of antiques store society.
I used the other stall, and with the defiance of a thousand James Deans and Marlon Brandos, I flushed that toilet.
I washed my hands thoroughly, held my head high and swaggered out of the bathroom, expecting to be dragged away by the antique store authorities. But, no one was there. I had gotten away with it! What a rush!
People, you gotta live by your own rules if you really want to live.
I didn’t write on the walls though, that would be rude.
Super Friends Season 2, Episode 10, Storyline B – “Handicap”
Original Airdate – November 5th, 1977
Short Synopsis: Oh, you guys, this one’s a doozy.
“Deep within the heart of a tall, forbidding mountain is the hidden lair of the most brilliant, most dangerous woman on earth – Medula!” – Narrator
All the single ladies! She’s using a “computerized will booster” to “control the mind of every woman on earth.”
“Soon, women everywhere will enable me to rule the world,” growls Medula. Then, she puts on a beautifully coordinated headset and begins taking over the minds of women. The women’s eyes turn bright, too, and then they start zapping away the men!
All the men are transported to Medula’s lair (via “matter reversing circuits”), and Medula gives them the what for: “You men are looking at the future ruler of Earth! With my will booster, I will force women all over the world to de-materialize all men, including your presidents, kings, and prime ministers! YOU WILL ALL BE STORED ON COMPUTER TAPE UNTIL I HAVE CONTROL OF THE WORLD!”
This is almost exactly what I imagine people who don’t like feminism imagine it to be.
“Medula’s computer transforms the men into microdots, storing them on computer tape.” – Narrator
Superman did what, now?
Now, let me make sure I get this right. We’re shown The Wonder Twins and Superman at the Hall of Justice and they’re admiring a statue of Superman.
It is, according to Zan, “a statue of you from the people you saved at the Doomvile Flood!”
So they sent Superman a statue, but later Superman says HE PAINTED IT. We’ll get to why he mentions it later, but can I just say: why would you paint a statue of yourself that a bunch of grateful people from a place with the unfortunate name of Doomville gave you? Why? YES IT HELPS LATER, but he wasn’t anticipating that. So, he was just like, “Oh, how nice, someone cast a beautiful statue of me. Hmmm, I don’t have anything else to do, I think I’ll paint it.”
Alright, alright, we’ll move on, but ONLY BECAUSE I GET TO TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
OMG Y’ALL
The Super Friends are alerted to the terrible mantastrophe – and, holy shit, you won’t believe this you guys – TODAY HAPPENS TO BE THE DAY OF THE “GOTHAM CITY PARADE OF WORLD LEADERS”
Can you believe it? I guess this episode was a real wake up call and they stopped having giant parades of nothing but world leaders around 1977.
Next we arrive at the Gotham City Parade of Wold Leaders and the completely thinkable happens: all the ladies start zapping away all the menfolk (but being very respectful of parade security and barriers).
Yeah, they’re of great concern, but I find the creepy blue shadow people more ominous and scary.
The Super Friends hold a conference to explain they don’t know anything.
They gather the security details for the world’s most important (male) leaders and tell them:
“We don’t know what this woman Medula wants, or where she is, or when her followers will strike next. Until we find Medula, you must surround your leaders with extremely heavy security.”
Yeah, thanks Captain Obvious, I mean, Superman.
Then they actually have a decent idea and put tracking devices on all the men, so when the/a president goes missing, they then know where the lair is.
But they didn’t really think much beyond that.
They make it to Medula’s mountain (boob?) and she opens up the gates right away for them. Batman, ever the genius, says, “Careful, it may be a trap!”
You know I thought she was inviting everyone up for tea, but now that you mention it, Batman…
The entrance has an invisible shield. All hope is lost until Wonder Woman and Jayna notice some ladies wandering in and decide now’s their chance to enter the lair of the villain who can control the will of women. Makes complete sense, can’t see a thing that may go wrong with that plan.
Superman conveniently decides to go back to the Hall of Justice to see if the computer can bleep bloop up some answers while everyone else decides to wander around the mountain aimlessly.
WHAT!? I didn’t see that coming at all.
Then, one by one, Zan, Batman, Robin, and Aquaman are all transported to Medula’s lair. I’ll give you a minute to catch your breath.
Now it’s all up to SuperMAN, get it? Man? In his name?
Superman sees all of this go down from the Justice Hall, and he feels that Wonder Woman and Jayna’s downfall “could be the break I’ve been looking for.” Way to cover, Superman.
Guess What…
I get to talk about the statue again!
I feel that this plot point/plan perfectly exemplifies how everyone must feel about Superman and his personality.
Wonder Woman and Jayna show up at the Justice Hall. and without a second thought, with no conversation, they take what they think is Superman – but it’s not! It’s the painted statue! “They’ve fallen right into my trap, disintegrating the statue I painted to look just like me,” gloats Superman. Yeah…
And again, I have to point out that he got a statue from people who love him for saving them and he decided to paint it because it didn’t look exactly like him enough.
Everyone heads back to Medula’s.
I think we can all agree
that this is the silliest looking thing ever:
Why does he have his butt in the air like that? He’s gonna be seen – that is a big red super butt, you can’t not see that!
Once Medula thinks she has all the Super Friends, she and all the ladies leave to “finish” taking over the world – yep, we all go to that together just like when we go use the bathroom!
Now Superman and Gleek have the place to themselves – time to put on some smooth jams and partay.
It’s Button Pushin’ Time!
“One mistake, and I could erase them forever! It’s no use, this computer’s too complex!” – Superman
Superman has to enlist the help of some other dude in the military who hasn’t been taken yet, and between the two of them, they push a lot of buttons figure out the reversal process.
When a button comes along…you must push it. Before the good men are all gone…you must push it.
Did it work? Yes, EXCEPT FOR THE STATUE. Let’s just hope the good people of Doomville don’t visit Superman’s place and are like, “Where’s that statue we made you? We people of Doomsville have so little, it was the only way we could thank you for everything you’ve done…” and then Superman will awkwardly explain that it got some paint on it and he sent it off to be cleaned.
Anyway, Batman thinks they can use Medula’s fierce headphones to undo the mind control, but nope! It only works if a woman is using it. Whomp whomp.
All this talk about headphones…
Let me just take a moment to declare Medula the most fabulous villain so far as far as fashion goes. Here she is in those previously mentioned headphones.
“Instantly, the Super Friends streak into action.” – Narrator
Now come on, Super Friends, if you streak into action they’re gonna instantly know you’re men!
Batman and Robin hunt down Wonder Woman and Jayna, and using “Bat Mirrors,”
They “neutralize” the white zappy stuff and break the two women from their trances.
And using this technique (Superman rips a “gold dome from the Federal Building”), they neutralize all the women, except for Medula. Wonder Woman then dons the headphones and Medula has no power to resist the command to turn herself in.
What did we learn?
What do we take away from this sensitive topic? Here’s what Wonder Woman has to say:
“Medula’s method of controlling women and putting them in power was wrong. Only gradually, a step at a time, can social customs change – no matter what they may be.”
“Perhaps now she realizes her method of controlling women for her own personal power was wrong,” adds Superman.
Super Friends Season 2, Episode 10, Storyline B – “Handicap”
Original Airdate – November 5th, 1977
Safety Segment
Aquaman tells a couple of twins planning to hitchhike home that they shouldn’t do that. Yeah, duh, Aquaman, that shit’s already been covered.
Short Synopsis: “The High Sierras, where many people go to enjoy the beauty of nature, and, where two teens on a fishing trip will find unsuspected danger!” – Narrator
Ron and Scott are driving along, and begin to discuss Scott’s “handicap.” You see, Scott has crutches. For some reason. “You forgettin’ about my leg?” is the most detail we get. Ron tells Scott he should try out for some sports and Scott is all down on himself.
Then, they drive over a big rock and plummet down the mountain. Despite the fact that neither one was wearing a seat belt and the van was crushed against a tree, Scott crawls free from the wreckage unharmed (except for his already handicap) and Ron is trapped under the van:
“It’s up to you! You’ve GOT to get help, Scott,” Ron insists.
“I’ll try,” says Scott, and then, he kind of like, rubs his knee a little bit, and then walks away.
Yes, it’s a dumb Wonder Twins story.
The Wonder Twins and Gleek are enjoying playing a game of baseball (way to rub it in Scott’s face!) when they get a Trouble Alert from…no, NOT SCOTT, from someone they were supposed to meet at the camp site, he was concerned they hadn’t shown up yet. But The Wonder Twins worry that they won’t be able to find the kids since it’s such a big, woodsy area.
Scott Continues His Heroic Journey of Self Discovery
Ok, now it DOES look like he’s dragging that leg a little. He soon reaches a crevasse, which is at least a 10 ft gap.
And then he takes a stick and pole vaults over it, running and all. I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe someone told him he had a bad leg as a joke, and then he bought it, and then the joke got so out of control that the person didn’t want to fess up?
Anyway, Scott reaches an emergency telephone. And he’s able to call The Wonder Twins and give them an exact location. Can you tell this episode is entirely boring with not much to work with?
“The day can only be saved in the most surreal way possible.” – Super Friends Episode Writing Guide Rule 1
Blah Blah Blah, You Learned Something About What You’re Capable Of
Everything turns out fine, and Ron and Scott agree to try out for sports together. And then, without asking, Gleek takes it upon himself to sign Ron’s cast.
