Author: Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

I’ve been at the beach all this past week. The next segment is called “Super Friends vs Super Friends” and it looks like they are forced to fight each other in an arena gladiator-style. There is no way I’m going to half-ass (or quarter-ass because I’m always half-assing it) what may be a dream come true like that, so I’m going to save it for when I won’t be distracted by much more fun things to do.

So, this week we’ll be looking at the in-between segments I usually add on to the regular stories.

Safety Time!
Someone has blown a fuse at the Justice League headquarters. Robin wonders what caused it.

Batman: Too many machines plugged into the same electrical circuit, Robin.

My guess? Each Super Friend insists on having their own hairdryer and they all use them at the same time. It just seems like something they’d do. Plus there’s exactly the right number of outlets for each person.

Decoder Part 1
As you all already know, the decoders are clues to a “code word” that pertains to the third storyline.

This week it’s Aquaman’s turn (again) to dole out the clues. We show up to see Aquaman in the middle of playing matador with a dolphin. That seems like a proper use of his super powers.

Then, he gives us the clue, which is perfectly worded, as all Aquaman clues are: “The first part of the code word is the last part of my name, or kind of sounds like it.” Which is it you bastard, is it the last part of your name or does it sound like the last part of your name?

Decoder Part II
Now that we have the first clue – man, or ma, or mango, or cram, or whatever is or sounds like the last part of “Aquaman,” it’s time for the second clue.

“I think we can find it in the galley of this old wreck,” Aquaman says with his dumb mouth.

“It’s what I’m doing by mixing this old stew pot.”

Hmmm, making a further mockery of yourself? No? Shirking your super hero duties? Making Ariel the little mermaid look macho compared to you? Aw, shucks, I’m stumped.

De-Coder Solution
Uh, whatever you say, Aquaman.

“We get ‘man stir’ and that’s a sound alike for ‘monster!’ See ya, I’m gonna do some more exploring” By “exploring” he means “man stirring.”

Now, I’m off to the ocean, I’ll let you know if I hear any good dirt on Aquaman from the sea life.

Season 2, Episode 5, Storyline B – “Vandals”

Original Airdate: October 8, 1977

Short Synopsis: “Carrie, our brave Super Friends episode re-capper, sees that it is a Wonder Twins cautionary tale, and with the sad, pathetic whimper of a kicked puppy, she crawls into the corner to rock back and forth” – Imagined Narrator

We all know how this goes.

Wonder Twins Cautionary Tales Players

The Bad Idea Generator
This week it’s Spence, who wants to “have some kicks” by vandalizing the school. I’m pretty sure by the 1970s teens didn’t say “have some kicks” anymore, which furthers the constant suspicion that none of these people in these cautionary tales are actual teenagers.

 

The Bad Idea Supporter
This character is optional. But, when utilized, always agrees and then gives examples. In this case, “yeahhh, like tearin’ Old Man Morrison’s print shop apart!” Again, “old man?” Notice the amazing 1970s leisure robe collar. That’s the true sign of an enabler. Or, someone who loves leisure – NEVER BOTH.

 

The Snitch
“Cool it, you guys! That’s not ‘kicks,’ that’s vandalism!” Voice of reason/wet blanket. Always shocked that their seemingly shitty friends are doing shitty things. This week’s snitch is Spence’s sister, Laurel. Spence tells her to “buzz off.” And also to go down to the malt shop and find some daddy-os her own age.

 

The Snitch always calls the Teen Trouble Alert from a payphone. Always.

The Wonder Twins do two things: poorly superhero and recreational sports.
Every episode, before the Trouble Alert sounds, we get a scene of Zan, Jayna, and Gleek participating in some kind of activity you usually only do on vacation or at camp. This week, it’s volleyball.

Every time, Zan brags about how good he as at the thing they’re doing. Every. Time. And every time, Jayna lets loose some zinger to put him in his place. Every. Time. And then Gleek interrupts. Every. Time.

And, then, this happens.

Every. Time.*

This time, they chose to portray Zan-as-water like a plump lavender ghost:

Somebody Call Guinness
It looks like Spence and his friends managed to smear the world’s largest booger onto the wall.

I can just see it now in the writer’s room.
Writer 1: But they can’t really learn any lessons from vandalizing other than getting caught. That’s not enough.
Writer 2: I guess we could show how upset all the teachers and students were by the devastation of their institute of learning.
Writer 1: No, that’s too complicated. Let’s have them get on a broken elevator instead.

And, action!

“Jupiters! The elevator could fall at any second!” – Zan

Then, Zan and Jayna do their “magic.”
And, as always, Zan and Jayna use their powers to rescue the stupid teenagers in the weirdest, least affective way imaginable.

That wouldn’t work, dummies, there wouldn’t be enough traction against the “ice pole” to slow down that much weight.

A first! A first!
Here are the teens’ disappointed fathers, who are now responsible for paying for all the damage their kids caused.

And, back to the formula.
Blah blah blah Gleek does something HILARIOUS and everyone laughs away all the property damage and lives almost lost.

Oh, wait, let me fix that for you, Gleek.

That’s better.

*”Every time” may be a slight exaggeration based on the mental trauma experienced by Super Friends watcher.

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Season 2, Episode 5, Storyline A – “The Monster of Doctor Droid”

Original Airdate: October 8, 1977

Short Synopsis: “Those fools at the Science Institute, who expelled me for my unethical experiments, will be shocked when they see how my android robot will help mankind.” – Doctor Droid.

Yeah, sure they will. Doctor Droid is your typical mad scientist – the kind that says “la-bor-a-tory” all stretched out.  He also has a not-as-smart-as-him, Peter Lorre-sounding assistant named Boris.

The plan, in the Boris’ words, “once you put the brainwaves of this trained white mouse into the android’s circuits, you will have created an obedient super strong untiring servant!” To save myself some time, we will nickname it OSSUS. And don’t go naming your kids that. I call it.

Doctor Droid is very confident that: “Man will no longer have to work, or think!”

I see, so the reason mice do not rule over all dominion is because they are small and covered in fur. For example, when you find mice in your trashcan, it’s not because they are foraging for leftover food, it’s because they really want to take the trash out for you, but they aren’t giant robots made of metal so they can’t. And we all thought Super Friends wasn’t educational.

You will be SHOCKED to know…
Something goes terribly wrong and the android starts trashing the laboratory instead of immediately asking how he can best work and think for Dr. Droid. Then he’s all, like, “hey, pops, you can’t tell me what to do, I’m outta here,” but it actually sounds like “OWRRRARGGGHHHHH.”

The Super Friends are alerted to the “eight foot tall robot monster” that is running loose. Superman and Wonder Woman take this emergency. They didn’t show it, but I imagine Aquaman had a meltdown about being scared of robot monsters so they let him sit this one out.

Superman, always waiting until the last second.
OSSUS throws an oil tanker at Superman. Superman ducks, and it goes flying past him.

Instead of just turning around and grabbing it, he takes his sweet time, stops in midair, and exclaims, “I’ve got to get that oil truck before it hits the ground and explodes!” This must be why so many of my contemporaries are chronically late; Super Friends has never been good at demonstrating how much time it takes to get something done.

This time, it’s Wonder Woman who’s the victim of gas.
Last episode’s storyline A involved Superman getting hit with fear gas. This time, Wonder Woman has the terrible luck of lassoing OSSUS, who then staggers over and ruptures a gas line that just so happened to be in his way.

While she does manage a nice, sassy, “OK big fella, you’re at the end of your rope!” quip, she’s quickly overcome with gas, but tries her hardest to hold on, which the animators really linger on to the point that it’s kind of creepy:

OSSUS then picks up Wonder Woman and wanders off with her.

Homestretch
OSSUS ends up back at the lab and Doctor Droid decides to transfer Wonder Woman’s brain into OSSUS’ to increase his intelligence. Again, it’s a good thing Aquaman didn’t come along.

Superman shows up in the nick of time to save Wonder Woman from making the monster slightly smarter than a highly trained mouse.

Wonder Woman and Superman split up – Wonder Woman chases after Doctor Droid and Superman goes after OSSUS.

Wonder Woman blocks DD’s car with a lassoed boulder and also seems have grown a few feet. Seriously, I don’t think she could even fit in that car.

Ossus plummets to his death from a cliff and this is where I inevitably feel bad for a villain who just doesn’t know what the hell is going on. Poor Ossus.

For those of you who were worried.
One reason I actually do love Super Friends is because they really go out of their way to show that no animals were harmed in the animating of their stories. That mouse? Totally fine.

How? I have no idea, but I’m happy for him. By the way, that mouse looked really familiar.

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.