At the drug store the other day, this caught my eye:
“I HAVE seen that on TV,” I thought to myself – that box was totally right! Looking at the list of wonderful things about the My Pillow:
Anti-microbial
Dust mite resistant
Built-in cooling effects (whatever the hell that means)
The list was long and impressive. But, I can’t purchase this pillow, and here’s why:
I just think a grown man with a mustache shouldn’t be lovingly cuddling a pillow on the box. This seems very obvious to me, like marketing 101: “no one with a mustache should be affectionate with the product on the packaging.” I’ve never taken a marketing class, but isn’t that the first or AT MOST the third thing they tell you?
And then I couldn’t stop thinking about how much this man loved this pillow, and then I started to worry about what would happen if they had a baby together, and now this haunts my nightmares:
And now I’m not sure I can even have any pillows anymore.
P.S. I’ve had to send my stupid brand new laptop off to be fixed so there won’t be a Super Friends this week for those of you who read them.
Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9, Storyline D – “Volcano”
Original Airdate – October 29, 1977
Short Synopsis: First, there was a magic trick, but it was the most boring thing – Superman makes it look like he cut an envelope AND a strip of paper in half but really it was just the envelope. See aren’t you already bored? So we’ll just move on to the story…
This week’s segment has a guest superhero: Samurai, who was actually created for the cartoon shows, like the Wonder Twins. Sorry, Samurai.
“Speeding through the vastness of outer space, a strange craft from another planet rockets off course with it’s engines failing.” Narrator
Aboard is an intergalactic Green Man Group:
“We are headed straight for a planet called ‘Earth'” exclaims one. What, you mean you don’t know about us? Well, let me tell you, we’re the best and worst place ever, I’ll have you know!
“Seconds later, the strange vessel hurtles into the steaming vent of an active volcano, where it slowly begins to sink in the hot molten llllllava.” – Narrator. Ain’t that a bitch.
Later, at the Super Friends Headquarters
They are told of the spaceship by some government/NASA dude and Superman and Samurai are on the case. “Using the powers of the mind” Samurai is able to turn into “the wind.” It looks like this:
See, kids? You can do anything you set your power of the mind to.
And then, once he’s on the move, he looks like a windsock with a head:
Back at the spaceship.
I guess they can’t breathe our air because they’ve decided to stay in the spaceship in the lava (that’s not true, at the end they’re outside, perfectly fine). One says that if they can’t get the ship out, they’ll die – NO ASKING FOR HELP. Ha ha, jokes on you, you’re already gonna get some “help” whether you like it or not!
“A flying earth being is headed straight for us!” They do what any logical person would do if they saw the Super Friends version of Superman flying toward them – they activate their defense beam.
Superman can’t get past the beam and Samurai attempts to contact the aliens with a radio (WHERE on that costume he’s been keeping a radio, I have no idea). He tells them they’re only here to help, and like any reasonable person or alien, the aliens are like, “uh, no.”
So, Samurai comes up with a plan. “Calling out the Japanese words for ‘invisible,’ Samurai slowly disappears.” – Narrator
I don’t speak Japanese, so I have no idea if he actually said the words (plural) for invisible.
Then, he pulls a bunch of rope (sorry, “cable”) out his short-shorts!
Just because something is invisible doesn’t mean it doesn’t take up space. So unrealistic.
Sorry, aliens, you’re getting help.
Invisible Samurai lands on the craft sets off the sensors, which, according to the Green Man in charge, “never lie.” Not even in molten hot lava? He’s right, of course, and they press one of many yellow buttons and Samurai comes down a tube and reveals himself. I mean reveals himself as a formerly invisible person, not reveals his, you know…
The ship sinks under the lava as Superman watches helplessly because he still can’t get past the defense beams. He contacts Samurai on the radio:
Again, WHERE IS HE KEEPING THIS THING?
Samurai says he has a plan, and his plan is to pretend to be fire, then sneak out of the tube and then press a button. Yeah, I don’t know. There’s a kerfuffle, and the alien accidentally turns off the defense beams and Superman pulls them out. It was really edge-of-your-seat stuff.
“Now that your spacecraft is repaired, you can safely return to space!” – Superman
Superman obviously has no interest in where these things are actually from, who they are, or what they are up to.
The Green Guy says he’s sorry for not trusting them and “at least now we have friends on Earth.” Then, Superman says, as they’re flying away, “and we have friends in space!”
No names, addresses, or phone numbers, just a general idea that they live in space. Superman is a great friend.
Health Segment
A child is trying to win a carnival game (baseball and stacked bottles one), he throws and misses. Wonder Woman tells him to try another and he says he can’t win because his eyesight is blurry and Wonder Woman tells him to always let his parents know if his vision changes.
Notice, however, that she does not inform him that carnival games are notoriously rigged. They can’t be expected to cover more than one topic, what are they, superheroe-oh, wait.
I’m betting Wonder Woman is co-owner of this carnival game. It doesn’t matter if he gets glasses, she’s still gonna get his 10 cents (that’s how much it costs, how times have changed!).
Pinterest and Facebook are full of of pictures with inspirational quotes on them. Sentimentality for sentimentality’s sake doesn’t work on me. I have no ill will towards the people it does inspire, it’s just like how broccoli just tastes bitter to some people – you know, because of genetics and shit. So, when I see these rampantly shared images, my gut reaction is a little different from the people who love them. I get unspired, if you will. Here’s some side-by-side comparisons: on the left, inspiring inspirational inspirement and on the right, my brain’s rejection of it. (P.S. I do know that “unspired” is not a word and there’s “uninspired” as a real word, but “uninspired” suggests that there was an expectation of it being inspired, and I just don’t feel that way, so I made up a word instead).
After last week’s monstrosity, it’s time to take it easy this week, kick back, and enjoy the code word.
Code Word Part I
Aquaman is hanging out at the local go-cart track for some reason. In his superhero costume. You’d think that this would be a time maybe he could be having it cleaned since he’s obviously not on duty.
A young lady pulls up beside him and asks him why he’s there. He says he’s there to give the decoder clue. The decoder clue system is a very sloppy system. They seem to just randomly wander around until someone asks them what they’re doing and then they kind of wing it with the clue. They are just a shade away from wandering lost demented people.
Aquaman asks if she wants to hear the clue and she lies through her teeth, “I sure do! I love trying to figure out the Super Friends codes!” Yeahhhh.
“The first part of the code has two clues,” says Aquaman, buying himself some time to come up with something.
“What’s the first clue?” Asks anonymous go-carter.
“You’re sitting in it,” clues Aquaman.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but the first thing that popped into my head was – “my own urine!?” I wasn’t sitting in my own urine (this time), but I thought maybe the girl was, but then I thought, “but she’d know that Aquaman may not know she’s sitting in her own urine, so it must be ‘car.'” This is how I reach conclusions. I’ll stop sharing now.
She then asks what the second clue is, and he says, “That’s it right there.” I’ve drawn a line from his finger to the ‘it’ for clarification.
Sooo, cargo. Cargo is the first code word.
Part II
We’re back at the track and they’re out of their cars.
“That was really great,” exclaims girl.
“Sure was,” concurs Aquaman.
Flirt on your own time, people.
Aquaman says the clue is on this sign – NOT “boat,” another name for boat.
Sidetrack: this is a terrible ad. I’m assuming they want you to go on a cruise but there’s no name of the company or any contact information. I guess I noticed because I would like to be doing anything but this right now and they provided no means for me to find out more.
One of the reasons I’m daydreaming about being elsewhere is because I’m starting to feel like a third wheel.
“See if you can figure it out while we take another lap,” says Aquaman. Ok, guys, I’ll just be over here by myself with a slice of pizza like I always was in junior high and high school.
And off they go, round and round the track.
Part III
Blah, blah, the code word(s) is cargo ship.
When she gets the word(s) right, he says – “fast thinking!”
Then she says, “but I’m not fast enough to beat you around the track!” And then they both laugh and laugh.
I’m thirty-five years old. I have a sister who’s four years younger than me with two beautiful children ages four (girl) and twenty months (boy).
Last month, my niece’s daycare had a little holiday recital. I was really excited to go because this is the type of thing I was looking forward to seeing since my husband and I moved back up to our home state, North Carolina, from Georgia.
It was very simple; you’re not getting a full-scale production with four year olds, although that would probably be adorable. The kids came out with little Santa hats on, attempted to sing “Jingle Bells” and a few other songs in unison, kind of did it, and then it was over. Each child also had the opportunity to explain to the audience what the holidays mean to them – every audible answer I heard involved candy and presents (sorry Jesus, etc.). I couldn’t hear what my niece said, and when I asked her later, she told me, “I didn’t say nothing.” So touching.
After the show, everyone filed into the classroom to eat cupcakes and then watch sugar-rushed children run around and scream. This is when things went south.
As my sister an I were standing around, attached to each other as we tend to be during social situations (she’s the “outgoing” one by about 2%), one of my niece’s teachers came up to us. She said something like, “You must be the grandma!”
Yes, she motherfucking said that.
I was having a hard time processing it. I’m sure I looked like a deer in the headlights, but also with a lot of confusion on my face because, for example, I noticed that a deer was also driving the car. So, as I stood there, my bottom jaw probably being trampled by four-year-olds, my sister picked up the slack and said, with as much restraint as possible, “This is my sister.”
And then the lady gasped in horror and apologized profusely. HA, no. She had apparently already boarded the conversational “this lady is obviously the grandma” train and just kept chugging along, admittedly with a weary “why am I still talking” expression on her face. She continued, “Well I can see which side of the family you [my sister] get your looks from.”
Nope, sorry, we draw our “looks” from the exact same genetic pool. Try again.
Ladies and gentlemen, if this were the end of the story, I may not have even written about it. It makes me uncomfortable, as a lazy vain person, that I worry about things like this. I am indeed reaching the age where we as women start to try and turn back or freeze the hands of time, so to be told that my clock is a valuable antique is a little disconcerting. If it was just this one lady, who I think is in her twenties, I could chalk it up to a crazy misunderstanding – that maybe she asked before she got a good look at me – and let it slide (much like the skin sliding off my brittle old bones). But, sadly, that is not what happened.
A few minutes later, my niece’s other teacher, a much older lady, came up, extended her hand and said, “Are you the grandma?”
This time, I was ready! I extended my hand and with brow furrowed, released a sad, confused, “Noooooooo.”
This lady was so embarrassed and appalled at her assumption, she said she was so sorry and told me OF COURSE I didn’t look like a grandmother. HAHAHA, you guys are so gullible. No, she then told me reassuringly that SHE is a grandma, and then started listing the ages of her grandchildren.
Really, lady who is clearly at least twenty years older than me, you’re a grandma? WELL THEN EVERYTHING IS FINE!
I understand that it’s a nightmare come true to assume someone is “the” grandma and find out they are not. Much like I’m sure it’s embarrassing to ask someone when they’re due and they’re not pregnant. I have done neither of these things but I have once mistaken a boy child for a girl child and I felt like a steaming pile of shit for doing so. I didn’t have a loud, more-attention-brought-to-the-situation meltdown apology, but I did apologize, because I was in the wrong, and it’s just kind of good to acknowledge so that it doesn’t seem like the other person is to blame. What I’m saying is I don’t want to feel like an old hag at thirty-five so one of you being slightly mortified would have made me feel a little better. To me, continuing a conversation as if nothing happened tells me that OF COURSE I was mistaken for a grandma, and have you tried the cupcakes?
Maybe it IS me. Maybe at thirty-five it’s time to admit that even though I would have given birth to my sister at age four (thus being pregnant through most of my third year), I do indeed look as old as my own mother (who looks great, by the way). Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, I don’t know. I’ll leave it up to you all. Here’s a picture from the day I attended the recital, what do you think?
