I was looking through a magazine and found this article:
Something didn’t sit right with me. I felt like I’d seen it before – that funnily exasperated eye roll and lip squinch. You know, the face all us ladies make when we just can’t get our act together! So I looked through the previous months’ magazines and there they all were. I knew I’d see it before:
Tom and I found this old issue of the kid’s magazine “Hot dog!” from 1984 at a thrift store. We paid 25 cents for it because who wouldn’t?
Inside they had a “figure out what’s wrong in this picture” thingy. According to them, there was seven things wrong. “EASY!” I yelled to myself, and quickly found all seven:
1. The ladybug isn’t seasonally appropriate and doesn’t have a coat on.
2. That guy calls “Inception” “The Inception” and no one will correct him.
3. The signature in the snow isn’t yellow.
4. She’s giving everyone the bird under that mitten.
5. She’s an award-winning ice skater and is only falling to get attention.
6. He’s putting on a brave happy face even though his parents are getting a divorce.
7. Mice don’t wave.
I didn’t get a single one right. I call bullshit. I saw the “No Ice Fiching” sign, but I learned spelling from Super Friends, so I figured it was fine.
Hot Dog and I also don’t agree on what the word “fooled” means:
You are missing a layer of premise, Hot dog!. Stupid Hot dog!. You’d need to do something like steal your friend’s wallet or shank them while they’re busy spelling if you wanted to fool them. This is more a “make your friend think you’re weird” gag.
1. When her beloved TiVo breaks, and you have to get out the ancient VCR, help with the transition:
2. While watching Dr. Who, season 6, if your weird wife is having a hard time visualizing timelines, help her out with a hand-drawn diagram. Important: Before you come to your senses and help her in the friendly manner you excel at, stating that “It’s not that hard to figure out” is not the best first approach as it will unleash an expletive-filled verbal lashing. While she does understand you don’t mean anything by it, it’s still kind of an assy move.
3. On a weekend, when you all have planned to see a movie, like you do every weekend, and you’ve looked up all the showtimes and ran down everything that’s playing and even sometimes looked up all the reviews because your weird wife is also a weird lazy wife, get your day started off right. Since your weird wife doesn’t trust her own memory when it comes to time, write everything on her hand so that you don’t have to answer the same question 10 times before it’s time to leave. Hand is best, she will misplace paper.
Dear Jenkins and Ed,
While I certainly understand that a gray, rainy, soggy day sucks (I’ve been in a bad mood for a month partially because of the weather), neither one of you will use a toilet. And, if I were to introduce you to the concept of a litter box, you would consider it more a buffet than a bathroom. So, we are left with sticking with what works most other days of the year – you both need to pee and poop outside.
I’m writing you this letter at noon, which means you have refused to pee for well over twelve hours now. You are both boy dogs, you LOVE to pee on things – if you had eHarmony profiles, it would be one of the first things you listed under “likes.” I KNOW you have to pee, don’t look at me like I’m insane when I force you outside.
I would like to remind you both of the following facts:
Jenkins – you lived your first 8-9 months of your life chained outside in someone’s backyard. I’m sure it rained. Several times. Did you melt? No.
Ed – you lived your first several YEARS most likely a semi-feral country dog who has been shot at with bb guns and were most certainly rained on. While I have applauded your spirit and willingness to rise above your past and become a couch dog many times, I do feel the need to point out that my asking you to not pee in the house is not akin to your homeless rural beginnings.
This is the deal: if you both suck it up for fifteen damn seconds and go pee on the side of the house for all I care (and I know you can do it because I’ve seen it happen), I will stop shoving you out the door every twenty minutes. Then, you can stop acting like I’m twirling my mustache and planning on taking over the world somehow by forcing two spoiled dogs to get their tootsies wet. Those ASPCA ads were NOT made for dogs in your current situation, as much as you’d like me to believe that.
Sincerely,
Carrie
This morning I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 8:25. “Oh no!” I thought to myself, Tom’s going to be late for work. So I did my wifely duty and woke him up.
Me: Hey, it’s 8:25
Tom: Ok.
Me: Did you remember to set your alarm?
Tom: Yes.
Me: Ok.
Tom: Ok.
Me: Ok.
Tom: I’m not working today.
That means it’s a movie and dog walking day! Which means that instead of a real post, I’m putting up more pictures from my Barbie doll trunk. Just like my husband not realizing he needed my help waking him up, you didn’t realize you needed to look at pictures of old dolls, but here I am. I’m a giver like that.
Pictures taken of dolls found as is, or as was, circa early 1990s.
You’re welcome, everyone!