Dear Jenkins and Ed,
While I certainly understand that a gray, rainy, soggy day sucks (I’ve been in a bad mood for a month partially because of the weather), neither one of you will use a toilet. And, if I were to introduce you to the concept of a litter box, you would consider it more a buffet than a bathroom. So, we are left with sticking with what works most other days of the year – you both need to pee and poop outside.
I’m writing you this letter at noon, which means you have refused to pee for well over twelve hours now. You are both boy dogs, you LOVE to pee on things – if you had eHarmony profiles, it would be one of the first things you listed under “likes.” I KNOW you have to pee, don’t look at me like I’m insane when I force you outside.
I would like to remind you both of the following facts:
Jenkins – you lived your first 8-9 months of your life chained outside in someone’s backyard. I’m sure it rained. Several times. Did you melt? No.
Ed – you lived your first several YEARS most likely a semi-feral country dog who has been shot at with bb guns and were most certainly rained on. While I have applauded your spirit and willingness to rise above your past and become a couch dog many times, I do feel the need to point out that my asking you to not pee in the house is not akin to your homeless rural beginnings.
This is the deal: if you both suck it up for fifteen damn seconds and go pee on the side of the house for all I care (and I know you can do it because I’ve seen it happen), I will stop shoving you out the door every twenty minutes. Then, you can stop acting like I’m twirling my mustache and planning on taking over the world somehow by forcing two spoiled dogs to get their tootsies wet. Those ASPCA ads were NOT made for dogs in your current situation, as much as you’d like me to believe that.
31 thoughts on “Dear dogs, peeing in the rain is not illegal, I looked it up.”
Considering Chauncey won’t even get out from under his blanket in the beanbag when it’s raining, I loved this. His ass will play in the snow for hours, turning pristine snow into yellow monuments of piss, but rain? Not so much.
Oh, and ours would go for a WALK in the rain. They just won’t pee of their own volition in the fenced in back yard. Soon I’ll have to cave and take them on a “walk,” but I have to be careful, because if they know it’s a fake walk down the driveway, they won’t go out of spite.
I live with 4 beautiful ladies who struggle with getting out of the house if their hair isn’t fixed right yet the biggest diva in our home is Buddy, our 95 ld golden retriever.
This morning, at 5:30am, I opened the door and he barked at me. Why? He wanted me to walk outside, get his bowls and feed him inside.
D I V A
It’s now 2pm and not a drop! Household pets truly are divas.
Poor little beasts. All they want is for someone to understand them, and you embarrass them all over the internet. Quick! Put diapers on them and take photos!
I DO have belly bands, which are basically diapers for boy dogs. Maybe if I get those out and the camera, they’ll finally go.
I used to have a dog like this. She acted like you were sending her out into the bowels of hell if you forced her out into the rain. And she would just hold it to spite you. And look at you with those baleful eyes. Then again she was inbred so she wasn’t quite right.
I would just leave ’em out there if I were you. They will go eventually. Or just huddle under what I assume is an overhang next to the house the entire time. My current dog gets all snippy and barky at me when I don’t let her in RIGHT THIS SECOND, and my punishment is to ignore her as long as I sanely can and leave her ass out there. I will not be barked at, bitch.
Wow, that sounded nice. I mean, OBVIOUSLY, I am a humanitarian dog lover. Can’t you tell?
Oh, you should see me huff and puff when Ed barks at me to hurry up with his breakfast. Lots of hilarious exasperation. Ed has a willpower of steel, and apparently a bladder of steel, as well.
Aaaaagh! That is the sound of me voicing agreement with your frustration, because I JUST came in from walking my dogs. And, of course, it’s raining outside. Little twerps, they just shake and look at me with watery eyes, like I’m the cruelest person ever.
Mine are shut in the kitchen. I’d leave them out there, but I want to SEE it, so I know. And now I feel like a bit of a weirdo.
This morning I fooled them- I threw 5 mini treats onto the deck and their greed carried those little legs out there before they felt the rain. Of course 3 minutes later they were on the phone with Amnesty International and demanding organic bamboo towels and a blow out.
I bet the line was busy because mine were on the phone with AI, too.
Oh my God. How could you?
I read somewhere that us humans need to lead by example when it comes to our pets. Maybe if you just casually walk outside and pee in the rain, they’ll do it too.
Uh, I think we’ll wait until their “dad” gets home, then HE can lead by example. Hopefully their bladders won’t have burst by then.
My littlest one is such a priss, she demands privacy in order to go, so rain is just an indignity she will not voluntarily endure. I, too, try to wait her out, but the incessant barking and scratching at the door are just too much to take after a few minutes.
So, in she comes where she promptly poops under our bed or in the corner.
Oh, yes, poop is a whole other monster. My dogs suddenly become demure rose petals who’ve never heard of such a thing as pooping.
Uh…Umbrella or little doggie overhang on the the side of the house?
Special trip out to the front yard on leashes like a chump. You get the fenced-in yard so that YOU don’t have to get your tootsies wet, and you end up out there, anyway.
The little doggie overhang is just the 6 inches or so from the gutter. They say it isn’t humane protection from the drizzles.
I came over because I just saw a tweet that your dogs peed? Yes? Yes? YES!
I think we need to celebrate.
HA! Yes, and for a moment, I felt in control of my life again.
I am not useful here…I don’t have a dog. Does crying help? Grounding? Perhaps you can get them really drunk? Or paint a rainbow in the sky? Yeah, I have a cat.
Whining certainly doesn’t help, I tried that all day. I don’t usually admit this, but there are times when a cat has the slight edge over a dog.
HA! They both look like great dogs. Louis has no problem with the rain, in fact I think he likes to prolong the “business” trip when it’s raining. Nothing like the smell of wet dog to make the house smell good.
Ah, yes, wet dog smell. It’s weird that Glade hasn’t capitalized on that fragrance.
This is a timely post. . . i have to pee RIGHT NOW!
Well then get yourself outside and go!
Dear Jenkins and Ed,
Hahahahahaha!!! I’m all nice and warm and DRY!!!
The cat next door
Ha! My cat wrote them a similar letter.
My dog hated the snow we had over the weekend and just peed right in front of the back door on the deck. Come on dogs! The quicker you pee, the quicker you’re back inside and the less she shoves you out the door!
Yesterday Ed peed on the outside of the house, which I suggested in my letter. I said, “that wasn’t so hard, was it?”