Category: Saturday Morning Ridiculousness

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 7, Storyline D – “Time Rescue”

Original Airdate – December 10, 1977

Short Synopsis: Guess what TIME it is!? Yes, it’s another installment of “The Super Friends Attempt a Time Travel Story.”

“On the outskirts of Metropolis, at the Comstock (?) Research Institute, an incredible experiment is about to take place.” – Narrator

“This is a great day for science, Dr. Lao! My time machine is finally ready, and I will be it’s first test subject!” – Professor Comstock

“My time machine is finally ready” roughly translates to “get ready for a heaping pile of dog turds” from Superfriendese.

Professor Comstock sashays into his time machine and demands Dr. Lao “prepare the electron stimulizor” and to “activate the time thrusters,” which Dr. Lao does. I’ve cut through all the technical jargon and created this comparison to help you understand how it works:

Here’s Professor Comstock in the future looking like he’s about to break into song but he didn’t and that was a disappointment.

Behind that rock are some hooded creatures ominously watching this man not break into song and dance.

Dr. Lao tries to return Professor Comstock to the present day but fails. This is a job for the Super Friends (said as unenthusiastically as possible by me).

Here We Go

Superman, Hawkman, and Hawkgirl show up at the Institute and are sent to the future to save the Professor. They are told by Dr. Lao they have one hour to retrieve the Professor and get back to the time travel bus stop.

The trio arrive in the future and yet again the creatures are watching. They look like they all just got out of the shower with their little purple robes (they look like what would result if a Jawa and a Chubbles doll mated):

The trio head on to the city in the distance, where they find what used to be Metropolis. Some things have changed: the world is now inhabited by all sorts of intelligent life forms; some things haven’t: people still sit around drinking coffee in hipster cafes.

Somehow Hawkgirl, Superman, and Hawkman get a table right away – that’s the most unrealistic thing so far, look how crowded it is! They ask their waitress if she’s seen Comstock.

She tells them she hasn’t seen him, then they see one of the so fresh and so clean creatures spying on them. They corner him and demand answers! He tells them the  “desert slavers,” which I guess is what the purple robes are called, are holding the Professor “in the Jobo Desert to the North.”

At the Jobo Desert camp, the desert slavers are gathered around a fire, presumably telling each other horror stories.

Because this is only a seven minute story, the slavers are easily overcome with a dust storm Superman creates and they rescue the Professor and make it back safely to the groovin’ 70s.

Health Segment

There was a health segment but it was just Aquaman swimming up to some girl who tells him she’s passed the physical fitness exam, then lists types of exercises. Then he reminds her about swimming, because that’s all he knows.

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

 

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 7 – Magic Trick

Original Airdate – December 10, 1977

Magic Trick

Yes, it’s that time again. Time to learn an amazing magic trick courtesy of the Super Friends!

This time it’s Batman who’s going to show us how to impress our friends and get that promotion we’ve been hoping for by dazzling our boss with an illusion.

Batman is in the Magic Theater and calls to Robin saying he needs his help. Robin then SWINGS IN ON A TRAPEZE, looking mighty proud of himself.

Batman give Robin the once over and says, “You look like a strong young man.” What. A. Creep. After some talk about Turkish prisons and gladiator movies, Batman says that this trick will be a test of his strength.

He twists a HUGE napkin – look at that thing in the above picture – into what looks like a track and field baton and hands it to Robin, telling him to take hold of either end of the napkin and try to pull it apart.

“Child’s play, Batman!” exclaims the ever-confident Robin.

Robin struggling with a napkin is now one of my most favorite Super Friends moments.

Batman is then all, “alright you sweet little bitch, hand it here.” Notice the shock on Robin’s face:

Robin starts from scratch – twists up a napkin and still can’t tear it in half.

“That’s because you didn’t use some water!” Batman bullshits.

As with previous magic tricks, the animators weren’t exactly clear about what was supposed to happen based on the script. So, in the initial demonstration, at no point could Batman have actually used any water – there’s no cuts or anything that would have conceivably been a time when he could have applied water to the napkin. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

“While you were trying to twist the napkin apart, I dipped my finger in the water…” here’s a demonstration in case you’re confused:

This could have happened. The weirdo Batman could have been dipping his finger in water while Robin struggled, but he most certainly did NOT apply water to the middle of the napkin like so:

Which, according to him, is required to do the trick. Or, maybe he was just retroactively explaining it to make Robin feel better. I’m pretty sure it was animation tomfoolery, though, because another magic trick was happening during the segment that we didn’t get an explanation for:

Batman’s suit emblem kept switching colors. Now THAT’S magic.

And yes, I will be attempting this magic trick later in the week.

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 7, Storyline C – “Will Earth Collide” “Will the World Collide”  I don’t know how I got it wrong. That’s a first.

Original Airdate – December 10, 1977

Short Synopsis: “Lost in the remoteness of the vast Atlantic Ocean, sits a most unusual island. For this is an artificial floating island, the secret laboratory of professor Firo, who is about to become the most dangerous man on earth.” – Narrator

Professor Firo (who is obviously voiced by the same guy who does Batman, so it’s weird) is communicating with a green alien named Cleezor.

Cleezor asks if he has “completed the gyro magneto according to the plans I teleported to to Earth?” Wow, even intergalactic conspiratorial meetings are boring.

“Nobody here could have invented such an awesome device,” Professor Firo manages to mumble while his lips are on Cleezor’s ass. “Far easier for us than finding the one man on Earth who would betray his home planet,” retorts my new favorite Super Friends character, Cleezor.

Alright, so then they put Cleezor’s plan into motion:

After activating the gravitational gyro magnetos, the narrator sums it up:

“The gravitational waves travel into deep space, to wrrrrench a dead planet out of it’s orbit, aaaand, into a collision course with earth!”

This planet seems really close, and the scientists admit that it’s a planet they didn’t previously know about. WTF, scientists?

“It’s gravitational force will change the weather, creating tidal waves, earthquakes!” – a so-called scientist.

Cleezor’s end game is to replace his planet with Earth’s place in the solar system. He’s a magnificent seat stealer.

The Super Friends are alerted, and then all sorts of bullshit starts happening.

 

Like, this kind of bullshit.

“New York is flooding!” Ok, that makes sense I guess.

“There’s snow all over Hawaii!” Um, ok.

“Frozen Siberia’s turned into a steaming jungle!”

So multitudes of tropical trees sprouted up out of nowhere? I know, I know. This is Super Friends, a man that talks to fish is one of the most important people on the planet, but sometimes, even in my deadened state, this crap stands out.

On the other hand, I did think – “ok, so Superman goes out and punches the dead planet and everything is fine.” And, Superman DID exclaim – “this is a job for me, and an easy one at that!” So, we’re even?

Not so fast, Superman

Cleezor say’s he’s “prepared a little surprise” for Superman. Cleezor, you’re the best! The runaway planet – TWIST – is made of solid Kryptonite. Ok, that doesn’t make any sense at all, but since it’s Cleezor I’ll let it slide.

So, Wonder Woman has to go save Superman’s ass again.

Super Friends – STOP IT. JUST STOP IT.

How do the Super Friends figure out Professor Firo is behind all of this? They press a damn button at headquarters, which spits out three scientists with the equipment to pull a planet out of orbit.

Then, out spits what looks like a receipt, but Batman explains – “according to this character analysis, the only one of the three who could commit such an evil act is Professor Firo!”

Anyway, these bozos split up to try and find Firo. The Wonder Twins are told to stay at Headquarters to monitor incoming information, but we all know they’ll end up out and about being the stupid Wonder Twins.

And then…

I kind of lost track and wasn’t paying attention, mainly because I was distracted by Wonder Woman’s hair.

It really had a life of it’s own, and it’s like half the size of her body!

Anyway, somehow WW and Batman end up with Firo’s notes, and are on the way to   stick them in their magic-as-hell Headquarters computer to “translate” them, which will reveal the location of the floating island.

So, Cleezor, ever ready with a solution – he’s such a good leader – teleports an “energy creature” to Firo to use against the Super Friends. “He can materialize and de-materialize anywhere you wish, at your command.” – LL Cool C

The Energy Monster then burns out the Super Friends’ computer room so it can’t calculate where Firo’s floating laboratory is. Then, when they all run into to see what happens, the Energy monster locks them in and welds the door closed. It was pretty awesome.

So then the Wonder Twins are stuck outside the room with the monster. They put Firo’s notes into an impenetrable box that’s bolted to the floor and the Energy Monster is all, “it ain’t no thing, I’ll be taking this with me.”

Then, he stomps around in Zan. It was gloriously humiliating.

 Now we reach the point in the story where I really stop caring.

The Super Friends get out because Batman happened to have his bat torch on him. Wonder Woman then tries to chase down the Energy Monster.

Can I say, this story has gone from trying to stop a planet’s collision with earth to mainly a cat and mouse chase over some handwritten notes. I’m not really saying it matters, I just want them to know that I know.

Wonder Woman saves the notes, the Energy Monster falls into the ocean and dies.

And then…

The Super Friends finally make it to the laboratory. Professor Firo presents them with not one, not two, but FIVE energy creatures! They’re like a boy band (I’m naming them EnRG).

Y’all, Wonder Woman did pretty much all the heavy lifting in this episode. Here she is, containing the monsters while the boys literally loiter and watch.

And here she is, stopping Firo’s escape rocket because Superman is too weak from the Kryptonite.

Then, here she is after punching through the wall to get the power core, then running up a mountain to hurl it into space and change the course of the kryptonite planet.

Then, here she is, giving the lecture at the end.

This is a Wonder Woman who wouldn’t be caught dead teaching magic tricks.

In Conclusion

I have to say, even though he failed, Professor Firo sure accomplished a lot for someone who seems to have drawn his own eyeballs on with a permanent marker.

And Cleezor, you’re the best. Best of luck to you in the future.

P.P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 7 – De-Coder Clue

Original Airdate – December 10, 1977

This week I only had time to focus on the code word for the next story.

The Saga of the Code Word
Wonder Woman in her invisible jet spies a Father-Son Picnic and decides, “I’ll try out my decoder clues at that picnic.”

Uh huh, and grab a plateful of free food while you’re at it. I got you, Wonder Woman.

For some reason, a bunch of the kids are practicing rope tricks. I’m not a son and have never attended a father-son picnic, so I guess this is just what y’all do there.

“This picnic has a perfect clue to my secret code word,” says Wonder Woman.

“What’s the clue?” asks child cowboy number one.

“You all are! You all have fathers here and what you are to your fathers is the first part of the code word!” – Wonder Woman

Ok, um, disappointments? Dream crushers? Burdens? Oh, no, wait, I started guessing too soon. Wonder Woman flings her lasso, which somehow begins pointing to the clue answer.

zzz
Part II
Wonder Woman expands the confounding nature of the stupid clues. They are either completely obvious: “We’re in a cave! The first clue is where we are.” Or, they are manipulated and wrestled to the ground and then beaten to submission. This is that kind of clue.
What follows is the full conversation, with Wonder Woman playing the role of Clue God, manipulating each player into eventually and excruciatingly arriving at the damn clue.
Wonder Woman begins a footrace between the kids.

Kid: What’s the next clue?
Wonder Woman (upbeat and bossy): Award the trophy first!
Kid: Hey, that was terrific! Here’s your trophy! (hands winning kid trophy)
Wonder Woman: Just a minute, could you polish it for him?
Kid: Ok? (polishes trophy) …there, that’ll make it shine
Winning kid: Thanks!
Wonder Woman: And thanks for the decoder clue!
Kid: Clue?
Wonder Woman: You just saw the second clue, it’s what you gave that trophy a moment ago!

Part III

The decoder word is sunshine. Sunshine.

The kids figure it out, good for them. And this image is actually an optical illusion:

It looks like her invisible plane is in front of their table full of food, but no, that table is empty and all the food is in the plane. Wonder Woman stole all that food. Then, just like that, (blows fingers like Verbal Kint), she was gone.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 7, Storyline B – “Runaways”

Original Airdate – December 10, 1977

Safety Segment
Aquaman is swimming in a public pool, as he does all the time, apparently. Nearby are some kids about to play a game of baseball.

Aquaman approaches the catcher and asks him (or her, I can’t tell) if he’s going to put his catcher safety equipment on and the kid tells Aquaman that they’re in a hurry and he doesn’t have time. “There’s always time to play it safe,” Aquaman says to really wrap up this condom metaphor.

And then, in NOT A CREEPY WAY AT ALL, Aquaman joins in the fun.

Short Synopsis: No, this isn’t about Joan Jett and Lita Ford’s band. It’s a Wonder Twins story. Everyone try to contain your excitement.

“In the dark hours of early morning, two young teens are about to embark on a dangerous journey.” – Narrator

Jay and Mike are running away from home. Jay wakes up his sister when he’s sneaking out of the house. She asks him why he’s running away and, according to Jay – “We’ll be on our own, it’ll be fun! We won’t have to follow our parents’ orders any longer.” They’re headed for Central City, which everyone seems to be implying is a really crappy place to run away to.

What?
As you all know, The Wonder Twins are always shown doing some stupid activity before they’re alerted to whatever stupid emergency they have to go help with.

This time, this is what they’re doing:

“A few more flowers and we’ll have the best float in Metropolis Day Parade.” – Zan

Screw you, Zan, Jayna, and Gleek and your parade-float-making-selves. I hate you. And why is Aquaman standing there not doing anyth-wait, nevermind, why is Wonder Woman standing there not doing anything?

Then something wonderful happens. Gleek is frightened by a bee and the whole thing is ruined.

If only the episode just ended there, it would have been my favorite Wonder Twins story. But, no, Jay’s dumb sister calls them up to let them know about those runaways.
Jay and Mike didn’t plan well.
The bus trip to Central City used up all of Jay and Mike’s money. “We gotta find a job, and a place to stay,” says Jay out loud at a seedy bus station. Yes, folks, it’s time for another “I can’t believe The Super Friends are going there” plotline, where teenagers are almost turned into sex slaves but in a Saturday-morning-cartoony kind of way.

The guys run in to a fella named Sully (what a lovely name). Sully is surely portrayed by the same creep as in “Hitchike” – he’s got that exact Jack-Nicholson-with-an additional-helping-of-sleaze-voice. Here’s a creep side-by-side comparison:

“Say fellas, I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m Sully. You’re welcome to stay at my place for the night,” Sully says in his creepiest creeptastic way. “Don’t worry about it, everything will be fiiiiine,” he further creeps. The boys reluctantly agree, and then he CREEPILY SMIRKS A CREEPY SMIRK.
Wait, it gets better.
The Wonder Twins ask the cashier if he’s seen the boys and he answers, “Sure, I remember seeing two boys, they left with a guy named Sully. Nasty one he is. Probably headed for Sully’s place now, somewhere on the far end of town.”

Back at Sully’s pad, which looks like this:

You can find this entire set, “The Creep Collection,” at Rooms To Go.

Sully says: “After you fellas rest up, I gotta little job planned for us.” The job? Knocking over a liquor store. HEY, that’s not a job in the traditional sense! Y’all, I’m starting to think this Sully isn’t a stand-up guy. Jay and Mike inform him that, no, they are not criminals and they will not be participating in this so-called “job.” Sully says that’s ok and thanks them for the company and offers to drive them home. HA, I’m just joshing, the kids try to escape and he pursues them across a rooftop.

The boys are cornered on the roof and jump down to a fire escape, which, of course, starts to give way.

Jayna turns into a giraffe so they can slide down her neck to safety.

Zan turns into “giant ice handcuffs” and is FLOWN by Gleek with his propeller tail to chase Sully.

Sully is then handcuffed by a teenage super hero in the shape of handcuffs that are made of ice.

And then Jay and Mike are returned safely and everyone’s lessons are learned and then Gleek demonstrates what this episode was:

P.S. In a crazy spell check mishap, I spelled “liquor” wrong in the post and in a picture. I’m not fixin’ the picture, so let’s all remember that liqueur is sold at liquor stores.

P.P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.