Category: Saturday Morning Ridiculousness

The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep2C – The Mysterious Time Creatures

Writers note: This segment was actually plot-heavy. It was still stupid, but really packed with “stuff” – where if I skipped something, other things wouldn’t make sense. So, don’t be surprised when I get progressively grumpier.

Season 2, Episode 2, Storyline C – “The Mysterious Time Creatures”

Original Airdate: September 17, 1977

Short Synopsis: On the planet Krono, or something, light years away, a race of alien beings discuss whether they should conquer all the worlds they encounter or not. The appropriately named “Dicktor” thinks they should. The opposing view is that “The element krononium, in this medallion, with it’s power to move time forward or backward, has kept our citizens eternally young. We must continue to use it only for good.”

They put it to a vote and everyone but Dicktor votes not to act like Dicks. Dicktor is displeased. That pants-less dude was the president, I didn’t catch his name, it flew by so quickly and was so stupid. Dicktor gets his hands on the medallion and starts causing trouble. The medallion works like a novelty squirting flower, but instead of water, it squirts time, aging the president to an old, still pants-less man.

President Nopants says he has a little krononium in his escape vessel and will create a new medallion to defeat Dicktor, then flies off in his rocket towards Earth, with Dicktor’s fleet following behind. The Super Friends are alerted and then, ugh, I’m so tired.  This was all in the first three minutes. I miss Wendy and Marvin screwing around on their bikes.

WTF Screenshots
These are “space grapplers,” you know, because they’re in space.

Oh, no, President Nopants, you aged well, really.

And now we know where that scene in Basic Instinct came from.

Wonder Twins Powers, Craptivate!
President Nopants was whisked away to Aquaman’s fancy undersea lab, which he clearly never uses, to work on the new medallion. Dicktor tracks them down, and The Wonder Twins must protect what’s-his-name.

Jayna pushes ice cage Zan toward Dicktor, the plan being to trap him in the cage. But, Jayna is pushing too fast and the “friction is melting” Zan. Jayna then slips in the puddle of Zan she’s making because she’s melting him, and then they end up like this:

Pretty much what you’d expect to happen between a billy goat and an ice cage. Zan makes a crack about getting Jayna’s goat, which prompts Jayna to utter her catchphrase: “Spacey Zan, real Spacey.” I hate everyone and everything. The only thing that will make me feel better is if Dicktor uses the medallion on the Super Friends.

Hope is Restored.

I wanted to see them old, but this will do.

De-coder Part II

The special word was medallion. The “med” from the first clue, combined with this boy’s name and what he’s doing in this picture (he was yawning and his name is Al). I’m back to the hate, even though I just found out I am smarter than Robin, who had a real time trying to guess the word.

And oh, great, here comes Zan and Jayna again.
They end up in Dicktor’s underground lair/rocket ship along with the Super Babies, and have to save the day themselves since the kiddies aren’t getting along.

Jayna makes her way to Headquarters where she spells out a message on the computer to Batman and I find out it’s spelled “Dictor,” not “Dicktor.” Batman puts Jayna in his utility belt (in the “bat belt mouse compartment” to be specific) and off they go, back to the underground ship. At the ship, everyone gets their age fixed, blah blah blah.

Oh my God, why won’t it stop.
Dictor gets to Pres. Nopants, and reduces him to a pile of ashes.

After an hour, according to Dictor, Nopants will be irretrievable.  Dictor then gets away and heads back to his planet. Batman uses his make-up kit to disguise himself as young Nopants to fool Dictor. Dictor turns around and comes back to Earth. There’s then a stupid fight in space, and Batman lugs a life-sized version of himself up there to trick Dictor. It was a “hollow inflatable dummy with Camos’ dust inside.” Camos is Nopants, I’m assuming.

Batman and Robin must spend a fortune on inflatable versions of themselves.

Camos is restored to power, and all is right with the universe. Naptime!

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep2B

Season 2, Episode 1, Storyline B – “Tiger on the Loose”

Original Airdate: September 17, 1977

Safety First!
Before we begin our loose tiger adventure, Wonder Woman has some safety tips she’d like us all to be aware of. “A lot of times when we’re not thinking about what we’re doing, we put things in our mouths and chew on them. It’s a habit almost everybody has. Lots of things around the house and yard that kids put in their mouths can make them very sick. Pass this tip on to your friends, too.” So, here, friends. Done.

Wonder Woman starts lassoing and pulling things out of peoples’ mouths to demonstrate her point.


I hope next week’s safety tip is about how you shouldn’t lasso and yank things out of people’s mouths.

Short Synopsis: I’m only into the second episode, but I’m sensing a pattern in the storylines – 1. Two Super Friends team up (Robin doesn’t count as one whole person) 2. Wonder Twins 3. Everyone lends a hand 4. Another pair, usually a guest hero. So, that means this is the Wonder Twins story.

At “Jungle World Zoo, visitors safely watch the wild animals.” These wild animals are clearly safely confined:

The tiger gets loose because he gently brushed his tail against the cage door. He looks as surprised as anyone.

I’m not sure how zoos work. Do they have Superintendents?
After the tiger escapes, we’re then shown that at the “Office of the Superintendent,”

some teenager, Susie, is being blamed for letting the tiger escape. The Superintendent says he should have never hired an incompetent teenager and that any damage done by the tiger will be her fault. She says the tiger will listen to her but the Superintendent will have none of it.

And we thought Susie was incompetent.
The tiger gets on a school bus. A teacher and an entire class file into the bus, and nobody notices the giant 650lb tiger sitting in the open back seat until everyone is sitting down.

Zan and Jayna see what’s happening, Jayna says she knows what to do, and then we cut to them at Susie’s house. They left an entire school bus of children with a tiger on it to go to Susie’s house. They tell Susie they need her help. “Gosh, we better hurry,” exclaims Susie. Oh, don’t be silly, Susie, they’re fine.

Hold up.  
Excuse me? What am I seeing with my eyeballs right here?

Zan DOESN’T have to transform into water every time Jayna switches to an animal? What the hell? So he just turns into water and jumps into a bucket to be carried by eagle Jayna for fun? What. a. perv.

And what’s this!? Now Zan is changing into an “ice toboggan.”

WHAT? That’s not water, that’s sporting equipment. So you use a word associated with water and it works? Like, “a refrigerator with an ICE dispenser!” and voila? You know, I’m starting to feel like maybe the writers haven’t thought this all through and that, perhaps, this is all a giant pile of bullshit.

Susie coaxes the tiger out of the school bus, where it steps on to the Zan toboggan, and then Gleek pulls the toboggan into the cage and everyone is safe again. Poor tiger, he didn’t get to eat even one child.

It’s De-Coder Time!
It’s that time again, boys and girls. This time, Batman and Robin will be providing the clue. They drive into the middle of a stadium during a track and field meet, “right on time for the ceremonies.”


“Holy de-coder, Batman, will there be time for us to give out the big city track awards and give the first clue to the secret code word?” – Robin.

Oh, shut up, we all know you’re sooooo busy.

The first clue is the first three letters of the name of the objects they’re handling right now. My guess for the code word is “Medication.” We’ll see.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep2A

Season 2, Episode 1, Storyline D – “The Secret Four”

Original Airdate: September 17, 1977

Short Synopsis: We open at the Metropolis Industrial Center, where a multi-million dollar oil refinery has just been completed. Suddenly, the ground splits open, sucking in several vats/structures, then seals itself closed again, contributing to the confusion of East Coast children in the 70s about what actually happens during an earthquake.

Then, four glowing disembodied heads show up, floating over where the refinery used to be. “Beware, this is only the first. The Secret Four has spoken.”

I’ve already got a clue about the identities of The Secret Four – there isn’t a good communicator or writer among them.

They want to force people to use alternate forms of fuel so we don’t deplete our natural resources.

Superman decides this is a job for Superman, Batman, and Robin.

The Secret Four
The Secret Four live in what looks like a Haunted Mansion.

The Secret Four wear their burkha-Snuggies even when they are meeting by themselves in the privacy of their Haunted Mansion.

The Secret Four like to announce ahead of time, in front of God, Super Friends, and everyone, what their next target will be. They announce that “a train, carrying millions of gallons of oil” will be next. The Secret Fours’ identities are secret, but their menacing schemes are not.

The Secret Four then say dumb-ass things like “The Super Friends must learn not to interfere with us…” after they have made a public announcement describing what they are going to do.

WTF Screenshots
This man was so worried, his eyebrows disappeared and then reappeared.

Here’s Batman and Robin being carried off in a big pink tornado. This is how The Secret Four manage to take B&R prisoner.

It was an expensive investment, but worth it.
When The Secret Four get Batman and Robin back to the Haunted Mansion, they explain that B&R shouldn’t bother trying to escape because B&R are in a jail cell, stuck on a platform, and “the floor below you is rigged to fall open at the slightest touch, dropping you both down into a natural pool of boiling tar.”

I know what you’re thinking, but you’d be surprised. It is actually a great investment. The top three renovations you can do to your home which will create the highest profit margins after sale are 1. kitchen, 2. bathrooms, 3. jail cells with rigged floors that fall open to natural pools of boiling tar.


While The Secret Four may make a killing on resale, they didn’t think to check Batman and Robin for suction boots, so they’re shit out of luck for the immediate future.

Who Are The Secret Four?
I know you’ve been dying to find out. Well, you’re not going to believe it!

It’s the industrialists from the beginning of the episode!!!!! Who are the industrialists at the beginning of the episode? Oh, sorry, I didn’t think they were important enough to get a screen shot. Let me just go back…and…here you go:

YES! It was totally them, all along! They didn’t have any lines and just stood around at the refinery opening. Can you believe it!? I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I’ll never be the same again.

Yes, Superman just patted Batman on the head like a dog.
“And that’s the last I want to see of hooded figures, except for my good trusty hooded super-friend.”

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep1C

Season 2, Episode 1, Storyline C – “Invasion of the Earthors”

Original Airdate: September 10, 1977

Short Synopsis: On some tourist island (the narrator must have been drinking because he completely slurred the name, it sounded like “Brun Frhyee”), a group of students gather at the top of a supposedly extinct volcano. “Another world, deep in the center of the earth, an industrial world, inhabited by strange, unknown creatures,” causes the volcano to erupt. This race of creatures, the Earthors, are rocky-stoney looking things who are very secure in their manliness as they ride around in giant hot pink vehicles.

Those fools are “melt[ing] away Earth’s stabilizing bedrock.” They call us “upper people.”

WTF Screenshots
“Oh, yeah, we can just drive the bus up there, no problem.”

I was so happy when I saw this glorious screwing around that I almost smiled. This is Jayna, in the form of an octopus, and Zan, in the form of a wave, practicing their powers by cleaning the Justice League headquarters. And I was worried they wouldn’t have time for this shit.

Even though they are entirely made of rock, and don’t wear clothes, this dude sports a belt:

Y’all, this is what happens when you cut stories short.
The Super Friends decide to split up to help the innocent people of Blahmrphflerp. Superman covers the air, Batman and Robin cover the land, and Wonder Woman and Aquaman cover the sea, because Aquaman can’t do anything right.

In season one, I often lamented that the Super Friends spent way too much time explaining how they got places and arranging for rides and pick-ups. But, in this episode, Batman and Robin speed off in their car, on the mainland, and, magically, almost instantly, end up on the Island of Blippity Bloop Bloop. A happy medium would be nice, Super Friends.

What? Your powers are complete bullshit and unhelpful in every way? Surely you jest!
So Jayna and Zan get caught by the Earthors, and decide to use their powers to escape the grip of the stone giants. This is what they came up with:

Within 3 seconds, the Earthors have figured out how to defeat this intimidating puddle-caterpillar combination:

I will love it and feed it and call it Jayna.
This makes my heart soar.

But, get this: Jayna cocoons and turns into a butterfly, so she could fly out of her habitat and make contact with Zan and they both changed back.

BOOOOOO

Ohhhhh. Why didn’t you just say that?

De-coder
Last week seemed to promise a salacious and inappropriate secret word, but when you combined it with this weeks clue, the answer was “bedrock.”  And not in a “I rocked your bed from the doin’ it we did” kind of way, but in the geological sense.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep1B

Season 2, Episode 1, Storyline B – “Joy Ride”

Original Airdate: September 10, 1977

Short Synopsis: Two teens decide to take a plane for a joy ride. Not just any plane, but a plane whose engine could go out at any moment. Corky, the instigator, is 10 hours away from earning his license. Once in the air Corky decides to “have some fun with the local beach bums.” Two of those bums are the Wonder Twins. Yadda yadda yadda, everything turns out fine.

Ladies and Gentleman, May I Present to You
The Wonder Twins were new characters. They didn’t show up in the comics until after the first few episodes of the All-New Hour aired. When introducing new characters, you really should make a great first impression. This is the first time we ever see Jayna and Zan in action:

And, our introduction to Gleek:

Obviously, super heroes who are to be taken very seriously.

It just seems overly complicated.
Let’s briefly discuss how the Wonder Twins get from point A to point B:
Step 1 – They bump fists and say “Wonder Twins power, activate!” (which we know is just a bad habit and not necessary).
Step 2 – Jayna becomes an eagle, Zan becomes purple water.
Step 3 – Zan, able to control the shape and movement of the water he’s become, jumps into a bucket, which they must have to lug everywhere they go.
Step 4 – Gleek holds bucket with Zan-water in it and Jayna flies around with Gleek in her talons, see here:

I’m not one to mess with perfection, because this is, somehow, perfect. But, can I just say, that the idea that the twins not only have to transform into very narrow areas (animal and freakin’ water), that they have to both do it at the same time is really a special touch. What’s that, Zan? You don’t want to be an ice cube? Well, too bad, Jayna needs to turn into a ring tailed lemur.

Other facts to know about The Wonder Twins:
1.    Jayna can still talk, even if she’s an eagle. And she doesn’t say “I want to eat some salmon,” she says stuff that Jayna would want to say.
2.    Zan can also talk as water – the water sloshes out of the bucket when he’s talking. Rude.
3.    When he’s a larger body of water, his face shows up to chat (to Jayna, in the form of a pterodactyl).

It’s De-coder Time!
After the Wonder Twins story, Superman shows up and tells us kids he’s going to give us clues to a secret word, a word that will be very important in the next story. Then, he grabs a cloud and starts turning it into a “picture clue.” All we have to do is remember this clue and put it together with the next one.



NO! I DON’T WANT ANYMORE CLUES!

Tune in next week for the next story, which I assume is going to involve things that children shouldn’t be seeing.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

P.S. If you want to read even more philosophical musings about The Wonder Twins and Gleek, here’s an entry on the great Point Counter-Point Point Point.