Category: Posts

The Five Phases of a Stomach Flu

Last Monday my mom came down with a nasty GI bug. Then, the next day, Tom  got sick. We’re pretty sure they both got it from my 3 year old niece.

During those few days I was magically unscathed, I took care of them figuring I’d get sick Wednesday or Thursday. I even tweeted about it.

 

But then Wednesday came and went. Then Thursday, and Friday, and Saturday. “Holy fucking shit,” I thought to myself, “maybe I’ll actually be spared.” And that is what the germs were waiting for. They don’t just make you sick, they are sick.

At about 1:30am early Sunday morning, I woke up. I didn’t feel so good. Deep down (in my sick stomach) I knew. But, this was the very beginning, the Phase 1. Phase 1 consists of me steeling myself to not get up and barf because if I don’t, then I’m not sick. This is a sad, proud phase. I think even the germs feel sorry for people during this phase, because they know this is a stupid phase, and they know you know it is, too.

Inevitably, I just felt too bad to not get up and barf, and so I did. And you know what? I felt better. This, I believe, is the germs’ favorite phase. Phase 2: throwing up the one time and then thinking, “that wasn’t so bad, I think I’ll go back to sleep.” Oh, how the germs revel in that last grasp at optimism, that naive hope.

Soon, Phase 3: the aches and fever set in. I couldn’t sleep, but everyone else was asleep, so I couldn’t complain to anyone. That left me with my thoughts. My weird, crazy, stomach-virus-fever-thoughts. The two I remember were:

This would have killed me.

-My feet were cold, but I didn’t want to move to get any socks and also thought I would die if I tried to put socks on. So, instead of getting socks, this played in a loop in my head: Get your feet iced up, grab a stick of Juicy Fruit. Over and over and over.

– “I feel so bad, if someone were to prop me up next to Hitler, I would probably just let them take a picture of us together.”

At 3am, after accepting the fact that I was not getting back to sleep and deciding that my fever thoughts were not the best way to pass the time, I went downstairs to watch TV. I watched two and a half hours of Three’s Company, with violent vomit episodes coming to knock on my door once every thirty minutes. This brought about Phase 4 – “oh my God, there’s nothing left in my stomach, I should not have to barf anymore, isn’t there some kind of form I can fill out and turn in that will stop it?” No, there is not. This is the phase of deciding the bathroom floor is as good as any bed, and deciding that food is for chumps, I’m not bothering with it anymore.

Then, morning came, and I could boss Tom around and tell him to do things for me and I didn’t have to throw up anymore, and a Futurama marathon came on, and Phase 5 arrived: the only time I ever, ever eat Jello. And it was good. I ate my Jello, and besocked my own feet, and felt thankful that the worst was over.

Any good fever-thoughts you’d like to share with me so we can all laugh about them since it’s in the past?

The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep5A – “The Monster of Doctor Droid”

Season 2, Episode 5, Storyline A – “The Monster of Doctor Droid”

Original Airdate: October 8, 1977

Short Synopsis: “Those fools at the Science Institute, who expelled me for my unethical experiments, will be shocked when they see how my android robot will help mankind.” – Doctor Droid.

Yeah, sure they will. Doctor Droid is your typical mad scientist – the kind that says “la-bor-a-tory” all stretched out.  He also has a not-as-smart-as-him, Peter Lorre-sounding assistant named Boris.

The plan, in the Boris’ words, “once you put the brainwaves of this trained white mouse into the android’s circuits, you will have created an obedient super strong untiring servant!” To save myself some time, we will nickname it OSSUS. And don’t go naming your kids that. I call it.

Doctor Droid is very confident that: “Man will no longer have to work, or think!”

I see, so the reason mice do not rule over all dominion is because they are small and covered in fur. For example, when you find mice in your trashcan, it’s not because they are foraging for leftover food, it’s because they really want to take the trash out for you, but they aren’t giant robots made of metal so they can’t. And we all thought Super Friends wasn’t educational.

You will be SHOCKED to know…
Something goes terribly wrong and the android starts trashing the laboratory instead of immediately asking how he can best work and think for Dr. Droid. Then he’s all, like, “hey, pops, you can’t tell me what to do, I’m outta here,” but it actually sounds like “OWRRRARGGGHHHHH.”

The Super Friends are alerted to the “eight foot tall robot monster” that is running loose. Superman and Wonder Woman take this emergency. They didn’t show it, but I imagine Aquaman had a meltdown about being scared of robot monsters so they let him sit this one out.

Superman, always waiting until the last second.
OSSUS throws an oil tanker at Superman. Superman ducks, and it goes flying past him.

Instead of just turning around and grabbing it, he takes his sweet time, stops in midair, and exclaims, “I’ve got to get that oil truck before it hits the ground and explodes!” This must be why so many of my contemporaries are chronically late; Super Friends has never been good at demonstrating how much time it takes to get something done.

This time, it’s Wonder Woman who’s the victim of gas.
Last episode’s storyline A involved Superman getting hit with fear gas. This time, Wonder Woman has the terrible luck of lassoing OSSUS, who then staggers over and ruptures a gas line that just so happened to be in his way.

While she does manage a nice, sassy, “OK big fella, you’re at the end of your rope!” quip, she’s quickly overcome with gas, but tries her hardest to hold on, which the animators really linger on to the point that it’s kind of creepy:

OSSUS then picks up Wonder Woman and wanders off with her.

Homestretch
OSSUS ends up back at the lab and Doctor Droid decides to transfer Wonder Woman’s brain into OSSUS’ to increase his intelligence. Again, it’s a good thing Aquaman didn’t come along.

Superman shows up in the nick of time to save Wonder Woman from making the monster slightly smarter than a highly trained mouse.

Wonder Woman and Superman split up – Wonder Woman chases after Doctor Droid and Superman goes after OSSUS.

Wonder Woman blocks DD’s car with a lassoed boulder and also seems have grown a few feet. Seriously, I don’t think she could even fit in that car.

Ossus plummets to his death from a cliff and this is where I inevitably feel bad for a villain who just doesn’t know what the hell is going on. Poor Ossus.

For those of you who were worried.
One reason I actually do love Super Friends is because they really go out of their way to show that no animals were harmed in the animating of their stories. That mouse? Totally fine.

How? I have no idea, but I’m happy for him. By the way, that mouse looked really familiar.

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Two Things I’ll Miss, The Thing I’ve Missed

As I’ve mentioned too many times already, we just moved from Atlanta back to North Carolina, where both Tom and I are from.

I was  going through my phone pictures and I found two little examples of things I’ll miss from our time in Georgia.

The first is from the Japanese restaurant near our house. There’s a mural with lots of rabbits and anthropomorphic vegetables. My favorite part of the mural is this:

In all the fun and laughter amongst the rabbits and the vegetables (ok, yes tomatoes are a fruit), one rabbit seems to have gotten a little carried away in her enthusiasm, and this is clearly upsetting to the tomato she’s so happily rough housing. Maybe I like it so much because that’s how I felt in Atlanta – just a little tomato being jostled around by an over-active rabbit. Yeah, I got deep and metaphorical there for a second. Please know that I did not actually like it because that’s how I felt in Atlanta – I like it because a tomato is being man handled by a rabbit, so there’s no need to delve deeper to see why it’s so awesome to me.

The other image on my phone was of a run-down mansion that looks like it was built in the 1980s. We would pass it on our way to the movie theater that plays retro movies, also often from the 1980s. The house is a pastel peach, and I can just imagine all sorts of 80s douche bags dressed Miami Vice-style, having big parties and thinking it would last forever. And it sort of did, because nobody has changed that house since its heyday. This too could be seen as a monument to my time in Atlanta – arriving with the best of intentions and then slowly feeling the need for a change but continuing to stay the same. But, HA, no. We didn’t move to Atlanta intending to stay. Nope, I liked passing by this house because it stuck out like a sore thumb, reminded me of the 80s, and was on the way to watching old movies on the big screen.

Then came the pictures from the short two weeks we’ve been back. This past weekend we went to a small family reunion, held in my father’s small hometown, where my grandmother lived until she died. My grandparents owned a farm. My dad hated helping out on the farm because he was allergic to everything involving farms (which he so lovingly passed on to me). So, when the time came, my dad sold his share of the farm to my uncle, who is more enamored with farm land and farm-related activities.

So, while I love this town, and have many wonderful memories of spending time on the farm, I don’t actually know much about the ins and outs of farming. As a child I did more “look, I’m on a tractor!” novelty tractor rides than finding out exactly what tractors can actually do. I was also more, “hey look, there are peanuts everywhere and I can have some!” than actually understanding how the peanuts got there.

As we made our way to the farm, we ended up behind this thing.  It looked like someone took a bunch of other things and made this one thing. It also looked like perhaps we would find an alien driving it if we looked close enough. I can deduce that the giant old-timey looking wheels are to go down the row of crops, and that the tank on top (you can’t see it from this angle), sprays stuff, but as to what it’s actually called, and what it really does – dunno. But, still, there’s a part of me that sees something like this and it feels right. I may be allergic to farms, but it’s still there in my genes somewhere.

We passed the contraption (after contemplating driving under it just to see if we could fit) and continued on toward our destination. I haven’t been back to this town in years. Living in Georgia meant there wasn’t a lot of time to visit anywhere other than where my mom and sister live. So when we finally hit the street we were looking for, there stood the image that trumps all man-handled tomatoes and coke-filled pastel 80s mansions:

My family’s road. On my family’s farm. A lovely reminder of where my father came from and, by extension, where I came from. And while my dad isn’t here anymore, and my grandma is gone, too, the road bearing their last name is still here, and I can visit it any time I want. And that’s what being back home means to me.

That, and free food from my mom’s house, but mostly that.

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read to be read at yeahwrite.me

The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep4D – “Fire”

Season 2, Episode 4, Storyline D – “Fire”

Original Airdate: October 3, 1977

CRAFT TIME!!
Wonder Woman swings in on her lasso to find an unattended child trying to come up with a project for school using all the crap found in a paper bag.

She tells the kid that “there’s the makings of a yo-yo” in the bag, and the savvy kid says, “Are you sure? I’d love help! Can you show me?”

Wonder Woman dutifully agrees to do the girl’s homework for her. All you need is: 1. an empty thread spool 2. some string 3. two container lids and 4. some tacks.

All you have to do is tie the string to the spool and use the tacks to attach the container lids to each side (you can use a rock like Wonder Woman). Then, you have what will probably be a C- project for school – but at least you didn’t have to do it yourself!

Short Synopsis: “Deep within the Los Altos National Park, a careless family leaves behind a smoldering camp fire.” – Narrator

Uh-oh. The fires starts to spread and we cut to:

A sheriff bringing two criminals to the park to pay their debt to society. They see the fire, and a burning tree knocks them off the road, allowing the criminals to escape. So, if you haven’t been keeping up, we now have a forest fire and two criminals on the loose.

Ok, nevermind, just one problem.
A fireman lets the Super Friends know that the fire is under control but the criminals are still on the loose.

This week’s special guest is Rima, whom I’ve never heard of. According to Wikipedia, she had a short-lived run in DC Comics and is based on a 1904 novel by W.H. Hudson. In Super Friends, she can talk to animals, which makes her perfect for this adventure. Batman doesn’t seem to mind one bit that she’ll be coming along.

Robin, you’re used to being a third wheel, right?

Phew, I was worried only loose criminals wouldn’t be enough dramatic suspense.
The criminals, one of whom is named Mark (no word on the other’s name), steal the vehicle of some workmen trying to clear fire debris from the forest.

“They don’t know it, but they’re headed into the fire area. The dynamite they’re carrying could explode from the heat.” – Expositional Workman

Like a Bridge Over Boring Waters
The criminals drive over a burning bridge. They make it across but the super trio doesn’t. Rima does her call, which sounds just like Tarzan, and all the woodland creatures hear her, but only one bothers to respond.

A bear knocks down two trees to help the Batmobile across. For some reason this bear just hangs out on his back two legs like a circus bear.

And now, because this was a pretty boring episode, I present to you a scrapbook filled with memories of Batman and Rima’s (and Robin’s) Adventure

Safety Time!
At a camp site, a little girl has burned her hand on the top of a pot resting in a fire.

Superman tells her to soak a cloth in cold water and wrap the hand for 15 minutes, it will reduce the swelling.

That’s helpful and all, but shouldn’t the lesson be to NOT TOUCH hot pots?

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

More Facts and Tidbits about 1980s Songs I Made Up

“Pump up the Jam” was inspired by PB&J sandwich with not enough jelly on it. The follow-up, “Pump up the Ham,” in response to a ham and cheese sandwich, was not as popular.

Lipps, Inc., who had the smash song “Funkytown,” wanted to spell their band name with three p’s, but it was decided that two was the better way to misspell “lips.”

Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration” states that “We’re gonna celebrate your party with you.” While this sounds like supportive fun, it was actually a separate party, celebrating the original party, on the lawn of the original party’s location house. It was really confusing. And rude.

“Morning Train (Nine to Five)” by Sheila Easton is actually a highly inappropriate song about child labor. Seriously, I can’t believe it hit number one and that nobody went to jail.

My baby takes the morning train.

Joan Jett was kicked out of countless bars because she kept telling people to put dimes into jukeboxes that only accepted quarters.

“Chariots of Fire” has lyrics. “They run and they run, and, they run and they run. They run and they run, and, they run and they run. They run and they run, they run, they run! They run and they run! They run and they run, they run, they run! They run and they run.”

Amazingly, with all of those candles in the video for “Wrapped Around Your Finger,” Sting walked away unscathed but then later burned his mouth on a Hot Pocket.

When doves cry, they sound nothing like Prince’s song or any sounds in that song. They sound more like “Batdance,” which is why everyone hates it when doves cry.