Beach Week and the Aging Process

Last week was beach week for some of my extended family on my mom’s side. There were five children 6 and under, two on the way, so next year is gonna be even more nuts.

Here’s the thing about the beach: I do not like to sit in the sun. Or just be in the sun in general. I like it when it is sunny outside, and I like to enjoy that from the shade if the temperature is below 75 degrees. At least at the beach it’s windy, otherwise it would be too awful for me.

The other thing is the ocean. What. a. bitch. “Oooh, I’m cool and refreshing and so much fun! Come on in! GET THE FUCK OUT.” I’m assuming it’s a fitness and age issue – but I don’t have the stones for it so much anymore. I used to just run in, hurl myself over the waves, get past the breakers, and then stand around avoiding being violently ushered out by the huge waves. That’s pretty much the fun of being in the ocean if you’re not surfing or boogie boarding. I used to love boogie boarding, but as you get older, and as you feel your face hit a carpet of seashells after a rough ride, you start to realize how delicate the neck is and how important it is to have it intact and holding up your head, keeping you mobile and such.

I do not endorse this terrifying product. I just needed a picture for this post and it's the only one that was on my phone.
I do not endorse this terrifying product. I just needed a picture for this post and it’s the only one that was on my phone.

Because of all the small kids, two years ago the family decided to rent a beach house with a pool so that the kids could actually swim around without everyone being afraid of them being carried off to sea. This has turned out to be a a great decision considering all the staggered schedules of the kids (naps, meals, etc.) and the ability for the people with babies to still be able to interact with the family instead of sitting around with a monitor during naptime all by your lonesome. It’s also good for the lazy, sad people with a third beach issue (including me): applying sunscreen.

I also hate putting on sunscreen. This is for several reasons. One is that the surface area that needs to be covered has grown to it’s largest ever (that’s even with a swim shirt and board shorts). Second, I try to use the most natural sunscreen I can. I don’t know if anyone has tried applying this shit, but it’s a workout. This kind of stuff doesn’t just glide on, you have to bully it into covering your skin. And then, when you have it all on, it’s like you’ve constructed a white, sticky,  shirt, pants, and mask for yourself. I just feel gross covered in sunscreen.

Of course, all of this adds up to the guilt of of feeling like a huge spoiled brat. Oh, poor baby in the giant beach house with the pool doesn’t like to put on sunscreen and thinks the beautiful ocean is mean to her.

Growing up, we went to the beach every year starting at about age 11 for me. I always thought it was so lame that the adults mainly liked to sit in rocking chairs on the porch and chat and read a book. I still don’t like to sit around all day, but as I’ve gotten lamer older, I do see the appeal.

Luckily, the kids keep us youngish.  Once the sunscreen is actually on, and you’re in the pool, it’s a great time. Until, of course, you have to be a courteous adult and then get out of the pool and actually go to the bathroom to pee. Stupid courtesy.

Boy, for someone who just had a nice week at the beach, that sure was a complain-y post. More positive highlights and observations to come.

15 thoughts on “Beach Week and the Aging Process”

  1. You do sound a little like a brat, but only because I haven’t been on vacation in years and I’m sitting at my desk. Otherwise I would agree with you. While I like being out in the sun, I hate the beach. Too much sand, sea gull poop and kids running around I’m convinced will be attacked by a shark (and then silently wishing they were when they run by and kick sand in my face.)

    But I’m glad you had fun and survived–sunscreen and all.

  2. Has it already been a year since seashells playing poker? Please say you are giving away the surfing gnome who is ready for happy hour. Also, I have been reading. I know I haven’t commented in forever. I’m a bad blog friend.

    1. Well, seeing as how I’ve only posted twice in the past million years, I won’t hold it against you.

      I looked for something as good as the poker players but I have to say I was really disappointed by this year’s offerings.

  3. This is why lakes are so much better than oceans. Just saying. Being landlocked and having 10,000 of the suckers does have its advantages. The only advantage you have with the ocean is the chance to get sucked in an undertow. Or meet Aquaman. Which would be awesome for me, but you would totally take that for granted.

    If it weren’t for the natural thing, I would highly recommend the spray on sunscreen stuff. I <3 it. Seriously. I hate slathering that stuff on, but a gentle mist all over? Yes, please. Probably killing the environment, but at this moment I'm selfish and don't care.

  4. Maybe you need a different ocean. My family does a week long beach trip each year too. The one on the Pacific Ocean. Ours is in two weeks!

    I too hate the applying of sunscreen. No matter how much energy, time, and effort you put into it, you will inevitably miss some spots and end up with a sun burn mark on your face that looks like a chicken.

    1. So is the Pacific Ocean calmer than the Atlantic? Is that a known thing? I’ve always wondered why all those celebrities can frolic in the water and not look like they’ve been worked over by a bouncer at a bar.

  5. LOL

    You sound like Bobina and my 8-year-old

    I bronze in like a day. I never wear sunscreen. I’m like Apache on superfriends…but

  6. I love the beach but the sand makes me crazy. It’s because I’m a little OCD and can’t stand dirt. Oh hey, let’s go sit in a huge dirt pile next to some dirty water that threatens to murder us!

    Yeah. I try not to think about it. Margaritas help.

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