It’s amazing how one little thought, idea, or action could have seriously shortened some movies and solved most of the characters’ problems. Examples:
Misery
The Game
Fatal Attraction
Jurassic Park
Seven
Month: April 2012
The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep2D – “The Antidote”
Season 2, Episode 2, Storyline D – “The Antidote”
Original Airdate: September 17, 1977
CRAFT TIME!
“This isn’t some strange fish face, it’s a rattler!” – Aquaman
Aquaman explains that The Wonder Twins are having a party later, and “they’re going to like this rhythm instrument.” Because that’s what teenagers throwing a party love best – two paper plates glued together with some beans in between.
And, for some reason, probably because it’s Aquaman and he needed to learn it in two separate sessions, the craft instruction for gluing two plates together and drawing a smiley face on each side is split into “Part 1” and “Part 2.”
Really, you guys, Aquaman draws two faces on two plates and then lets us know that “I’ll be back in a few minutes to tell you how to finish it.”
I’ll try not to spoil the surprise.
Short Synopsis: “Deep in a remote region of India, a peaceful village is about to be shaken with disaster.” I thought he was referring to the fact that the Super Friends were about to visit, but it’s actually an earthquake.
“In the dense jungle nearby, hundreds of poisonous cobras are driven in fear of the earthquake toward the unsuspecting village.” – Narrator, narrating.
The cobras then bite hundreds of villagers and everybody ran out of antidote serum, so they called the Super Friends to help. Unfortunately for Apache Chief, he was at headquarters, probably dropping off Aquaman’s beans and glue, and he gets stuck in the guest star slot this week.
Wonder Woman doesn’t like it when you tell her she didn’t do enough.
Wonder Woman and Apache Chief show up with a little wimpy box of serum. The guy in charge tells them “thanks, but it’s not nearly enough,” and Wonder Woman shoots him this look:
Then she shoot’s Apache this look:
This is what makes the Super Friends the Super Friends
When told that they didn’t bring enough serum, Apache Chief informs the guy that would clearly already know that the serum is made from the venom of cobras that the serum is made from the venom of cobras. Wonder Woman and Apache Chief are all “oh, well, it can’t be done.” You know, because they’re SUPER HEROES.
A random man folding towels is like, “well I thought about it for more than a second and a half, and I think there may be a way to do it.” So Apache Chief and Wonder Woman stare at him with mouths agape as he explains.
Ok, in fairness, he tells them to find “Kataru, the legendary giant king cobra, who lives in a hidden temple somewhere in the jungle.” So he may just be crazy and/or it really is local knowledge they wouldn’t have, but, my point about their instantly giving up still stands.
Kamaru, or Kataru, depending on who’s saying it.
Folding towel man tells WW and AC that not only is Kataru a giant king cobra, he can also control other animals and is the King of the Jungle. Kataru seems like a cheerful guy to me, and that’s in spite of people not actually knowing what his name is.
Wonder Woman makes it inside the temple and exclaims, “Kataru, he’s even bigger than I imagined!” And we all know how active Wonder Woman’s imagination is (see above paragraph about her lack of problem solving skills).
C’mon Apache Chief, we all know why you’re here. Get to growin’.
For some reason, Apache Chief is delegated to dealing with the local animals Kataru has dispensed, and Wonder Woman, who cannot grow to giant size, is left to deal with the giant cobra. That doesn’t work out well (where’s towel folding guy when you need him), so Apache Chief has to save Wonder Woman from the temple.
Then, they get the venom they need, thank Kataru, and don’t make him breakfast or call him the next day or anything. Poor Kataru. Or Kamaru.
CRAFT TIME PART II!
It’s time to add the filling! Please pay extra close attention because this is really complicated: take your beans and put them inside one of the plates, NOT on the part of the plate that you drew the face, the other side. THEY MAKE THE RATTLING SOUND, Aquaman tells us, that’s why they have to be on the inside.
Then, hold up the glue and smile like an idiot.
Then, put glue around the inside rim of the plate.
Put the other plate on top (face side out), then put it somewhere “to dry overnight.”
You know, it’s odd, they didn’t show any footage of Zan and Jayna being really impressed and excited when Aquaman brings the “sun rattle” to their party. Oh, well, everyone must have had so much fun listening to beans shake that they forgot to turn on the camera.
Health.
“Don’t smoke, it doesn’t make you grown up, it makes you a loser.” – Superman
If you want to be a grown up, glue two plates together and show up at a party with it.
If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.
Famous Last Thoughts
Over this past weekend, I was visiting my mom and sister in North Carolina. It was a relatively quick trip, just Friday-Sunday. I had already completely fucked up the extremely basic math of packing:
Friday + Saturday + Sunday + Monday = 2 whole days there = 2 changes of clothes.
That is incorrect. The correct answer is 3 changes of clothes. I am really, really bad at math.
I usually always leave something there when I return home. Mostly it’s clothing. Sometimes it’s a phone charger, or my keys, or the camera. One time, it was a pair of sandals that smell like sweaty ass-foot, so it was really more an act of cruelty to my mom than an inconvenience to me.
This time, I really didn’t bring that much, and as I loaded my car, I took mental inventory:
“Ok, I have my phone, it’s charger, my e-reader, the camera, my laptop, my keys, toiletries, clothes…well, if I do leave anything, it won’t be too important, because I have all the essentials. If I leave anything, it won’t matter, I’ll get it next time I’m up.”
I left my laptop’s power cord. And, just to be sure I really screwed myself over, I ran the battery down to nothing the night before. I failed to heed the words of Journey, “be good to yourself, when nobody else will.”
My mom said she’d try to send me my cord today. Until then, I’m stuck** with Tom’s MacBook, old-lady-complaining about how I don’t know how anything works and my bunions are killing me, even though I don’t even have any bunions.
So, I’m going to take a break, soak this MacBook on warm salt water, and hopefully that will make everything better again.
**incredibly spoiled
The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep2C – The Mysterious Time Creatures
Writers note: This segment was actually plot-heavy. It was still stupid, but really packed with “stuff” – where if I skipped something, other things wouldn’t make sense. So, don’t be surprised when I get progressively grumpier.
Season 2, Episode 2, Storyline C – “The Mysterious Time Creatures”
Original Airdate: September 17, 1977
Short Synopsis: On the planet Krono, or something, light years away, a race of alien beings discuss whether they should conquer all the worlds they encounter or not. The appropriately named “Dicktor” thinks they should. The opposing view is that “The element krononium, in this medallion, with it’s power to move time forward or backward, has kept our citizens eternally young. We must continue to use it only for good.”
They put it to a vote and everyone but Dicktor votes not to act like Dicks. Dicktor is displeased. That pants-less dude was the president, I didn’t catch his name, it flew by so quickly and was so stupid. Dicktor gets his hands on the medallion and starts causing trouble. The medallion works like a novelty squirting flower, but instead of water, it squirts time, aging the president to an old, still pants-less man.
President Nopants says he has a little krononium in his escape vessel and will create a new medallion to defeat Dicktor, then flies off in his rocket towards Earth, with Dicktor’s fleet following behind. The Super Friends are alerted and then, ugh, I’m so tired. This was all in the first three minutes. I miss Wendy and Marvin screwing around on their bikes.
WTF Screenshots
These are “space grapplers,” you know, because they’re in space.
Oh, no, President Nopants, you aged well, really.
And now we know where that scene in Basic Instinct came from.
Wonder Twins Powers, Craptivate!
President Nopants was whisked away to Aquaman’s fancy undersea lab, which he clearly never uses, to work on the new medallion. Dicktor tracks them down, and The Wonder Twins must protect what’s-his-name.
Jayna pushes ice cage Zan toward Dicktor, the plan being to trap him in the cage. But, Jayna is pushing too fast and the “friction is melting” Zan. Jayna then slips in the puddle of Zan she’s making because she’s melting him, and then they end up like this:
Pretty much what you’d expect to happen between a billy goat and an ice cage. Zan makes a crack about getting Jayna’s goat, which prompts Jayna to utter her catchphrase: “Spacey Zan, real Spacey.” I hate everyone and everything. The only thing that will make me feel better is if Dicktor uses the medallion on the Super Friends.
Hope is Restored.
I wanted to see them old, but this will do.
De-coder Part II
The special word was medallion. The “med” from the first clue, combined with this boy’s name and what he’s doing in this picture (he was yawning and his name is Al). I’m back to the hate, even though I just found out I am smarter than Robin, who had a real time trying to guess the word.
And oh, great, here comes Zan and Jayna again.
They end up in Dicktor’s underground lair/rocket ship along with the Super Babies, and have to save the day themselves since the kiddies aren’t getting along.
Jayna makes her way to Headquarters where she spells out a message on the computer to Batman and I find out it’s spelled “Dictor,” not “Dicktor.” Batman puts Jayna in his utility belt (in the “bat belt mouse compartment” to be specific) and off they go, back to the underground ship. At the ship, everyone gets their age fixed, blah blah blah.
Oh my God, why won’t it stop.
Dictor gets to Pres. Nopants, and reduces him to a pile of ashes.
After an hour, according to Dictor, Nopants will be irretrievable. Dictor then gets away and heads back to his planet. Batman uses his make-up kit to disguise himself as young Nopants to fool Dictor. Dictor turns around and comes back to Earth. There’s then a stupid fight in space, and Batman lugs a life-sized version of himself up there to trick Dictor. It was a “hollow inflatable dummy with Camos’ dust inside.” Camos is Nopants, I’m assuming.
Batman and Robin must spend a fortune on inflatable versions of themselves.
Camos is restored to power, and all is right with the universe. Naptime!
If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.
What did we do before cell phones? The 1977 JC Penny Catalog informs us.
Before cell phones, we had both hands free for the majority of the time. It’s funny how quickly we forget the times before cell phones – when you actually had to be at a place that had a phone to use it, and sometimes you even had to ask if you could use it.
But, I’m more concerned with our hands. Nowadays most people in public are using one or both of their hands to talk or play on their phone. What did we do with ourselves before that? I’ll tell you.
Men wore robes and coats every day, and always used the pockets.
Women, ever so lightly, ever so deftly, used one hand to caress their collars.
