Posts – Page 19 – Cannibalistic Nerd

Facts I Made Up About Raiders of the Lost Ark

This evening Tom and I are going to see Raiders of the Lost Ark at the movies in IMAX. Yayah. There’s still time for you to go see it, more info here. To commemorate this awesomeness, here’s some amazing things I know you don’t know about the movie:

– Before they settled on the name “Indiana Jones,” they were considering: South Dakota Smith, Florida McGee, and Rhode Island Kwemenphefferbrankly.

– That monkey was actually a Nazi. He nailed the audition, so they changed the role to fit him better.

– Harrison Ford isn’t afraid of snakes but he IS afraid of fedoras. He spent the whole movie shoot in fear.

– The big boulder in the famous opening sequence was made from hundreds of thousands of wads of chewed gum, then rolled in dirt for authenticity.

– The Ark of the Covenant was actually an elaborate cooler that kept the cast and crew’s sandwiches cold. Someone in the prop department suggested they use it in the movie.

– The original name for the movie was “Indiana Jones in the Best One of Four.” They changed it at the last minute because it didn’t make sense at the time.

– George Lucas was inspired to write the scene where Marion Ravenwood gets lost in a basket because that happened to him once.

– The movie was made and marketed for five dollars.

I think I’ll just call this post “Pulled Pork.” Why the hell not.

We went to the flea market this past weekend. When we arrived, I saw this food truck and thought, “Ha ha ha! You have to be really confidant that you’ll never be involved in a sexual harassment lawsuit to name your company Captain Paw Paw’s.”

Then, as we worked our way through the booths, I saw this and thought, “touché, flea market, touché.”

The All-New Super Friends Roundup: S2 E7A – “The Marsh Monster”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 7, Storyline A – “The Marsh Monster”

Original Airdate – December 10, 1977

Short Synopsis: A group of people from the 70s gather in a room.

“On this microfilm are the secret plans of my latest invention. A lifetime of work went into it. It’s worth millions. These are the plans for a magnetic powered engine. It runs on the magnetic forces coming from the earth and it needs NO fuel.” – Some guy named Jules who has perfect half and half black/grey hair.

Jules keeps these plans in what looks like a film canister on a necklace for safe keeping.

After his speechifying the lady in the pink bow tells everyone to go to bed (as if they are children) and tells them to “be sure to lock your doors, there’s a legend that an evil creature lives in the swamp.” Then they all dismissively laugh as only people who are about to meet an evil swamp creature would.

Guess Who Shows Up?

Please someone dress as him for Halloween and then tell me about how many times you had to explain that it’s not a shitty Grinch costume.

This Swamp Monster seems to know a lot about the house, including a secret microfilm-around-someone’s-neck stealing hole.

Luckily, Jules wakes up just in time and Swampster is foiled.
Y’all know what time it is.
At the Justice League headquarters, Jules explains his predicament. For some reason he uses a tiny microphone.

Batman, Robin, and Superman are up this week to help solve the mystery.

“Thank you for coming, Super Friends. I was afraid the creature would get me before you arrived.” – Jules, who is still at the creepy mansion.

If I’m Jules, and a Swamp Monster is trying to steal my invention plan necklace, I’m not HANGING AROUND, I’m out of there. But, I’ve never invented a magnet engine so I guess I’m not the genius here.

They hear a crazy, sad sounding wail, and they conclude that it’s the Swamp Monster, so Superman goes to check it out. It turns out to be a…..recording! Peppermint twist!

The “real” Swamp Monster then unhooks this gorgeous chandelier:

And in the ensuing chaos manages to steal the plans. Look at him go!

Batman and Robin pursue – “Hurry Robin, we’re almost on top of him!”
See if you can follow this.
The swamp monster flips a switch which brings down two steel doors and Batman and Robin just happened to be perfectly between them. So, they get trapped.

Then, the “door cracked the wall” and quicksand starts filling up the space. Yes, quicksand. Everyone knows that creepy mansions are built on top of quicksand.

Batman observes that “the ceiling is made of old wood” and that they should try and cut through it with ~~an electric meat knife~~ a “power bat-saw.”

To the relief of no one, they make it out alive.

I think we ALL know where this is going.
Fun fact: this plotline was safely housed in the necklace of a Scooby Doo writer but a Super Friends writer managed to steal it.

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

A Trip to the Zoo

A couple of weeks ago, on Tom’s birthday, we thought we’d go to The North Carolina Zoo. We love this zoo. You have to do a lot of walking because the animals have such large areas to live. That’s a good reason to have to walk a lot. While you may not see every animal, there’s always something fun to see, depending on who’s out and about. If I lived in a zoo I would be a very boring exhibit. I would wander out for orange slices and frozen fruit treats and then go back to my far corner. I base this on my behavior in office environments and at parties.

When we woke up that day, it was pouring rain. We took a risk and decided to go anyway because the zoo is an hour and a half away and we hoped maybe the weather would be a little different by the time we got there. Also, we don’t really like other people and thought perhaps there would be less of them there on a rainy day.

It turned out to be a very nice visit. There weren’t many people and the rain was manageable. Here’s what we saw:

I do not believe that the alligators in zoos are the same alligators in the wild. This is all I’ve ever seen an alligator do in real life. I know I’m lucky that I haven’t seen one do anything else outside of a zoo, I do understand that. I think I saw one move a leg once and it was a big event for me.

I’m surprised at how dominant turtle DNA is.

I love silverback gorillas. They are just the best. The thing I particularly love about them is that they love to do this – sit in plain view with their back to everyone. There’s just something about that particular approach to being stared at all day I truly respect.

This sign says “BB&T Chimpanzee Reserve.” We couldn’t help but come up with related slogans – “Just as the majestic and mighty chimpanzee flings it’s poo, we fling the best rates around at you.”

YES. Someday, if I ever get to be the eccentric billionaire that I hope to be, I’m totally getting a dung beetle statue.

Our last stop for the day was the otters. Otters are wonderful. At first, when we walked up, we didn’t see them and figured they were snuggled up napping under some rock or something. But then they saw us and hopped right into the water and started swimming around as if it was their job to entertain us. Oh, it was adorable. And then they started doing it. And then things got kind of awkward. So, we bid the fornicating otters adieu and went on our way.

It was a great day. Then, we got home and I gave Tom a book he already had for his birthday because I’m awesome.

The end.

The All-New Super Friends Roundup: S2 Ep6D – “Flood of Diamonds”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 6, Storyline D – “Flood of Diamonds”

Original Airdate – October 1977

Short Synopsis: Flood of diamonds? That sounds like a problem we’d all like to have, am I right? Am I right?

Anyway, “[something something], South Africa, home of the world’s richest diamond mines…” – Narrator

We see miners mining:

There’s a cave in, and then for some reason, the cave starts to flood.

Meanwhile, at Justice League Headquarters
“Green Lantern and I will take care of it!” Aquaman volunteers Green Lantern, forcing Green Lantern to have to hang out with Aquaman.

Aquaman and Green Lantern to the rescue.
When they get there, they find they have to swim underwater to the miners. Green Lantern’s ring forms an air bubble for him to swim around in.

Then, they strut and strategize, or “strutagize” as I like to call it because I’m all about efficiency.

Because a straight forward rescue is never enough.
We find out two of the workers (one played by Willem Dafoe somehow) are planning on stealing some of the diamonds for their troubles.

They become worried because they think Aquaman and Green Lantern will save them all before they hide the diamonds. First of all, why would they think Aquaman and Green Lantern would save them quickly? That’s not how the Super Friends roll. And secondly, how long does it take to shove some diamonds up your butt?

So, they decide to make themselves harder to rescue by letting loose some kind of giant drill. Then, when it does what it’s supposed to – knocks a support beam down and makes it harder to rescue them – suddenly they’re all upset about it. I feel a lesson coming on!

The Stupedist Plan Ever
Aquaman and Green Lantern think this new snag means there won’t be time to save them. This is the first thing that comes to Aquaman’s mind and they go with it. This is an actual quote:

Green Lantern replies, “Let’s give it a try!” So, Green Lantern is as dumb as the rest of them. Good to know.

“Later, off the coast of South Africa.” – Narrator
Oh yeah, I can definitely see how this is the quickest and best way to save everyone.

Step 1: Summon whale with your aquatic telepathic powers.
Step 2: Create whale transport vehicle out of your magic green lantern ring

Step 3: Fly giant whale to flooded cave.
Step 4: “guide the whale through the mine.”

Step 5: Have the whale ram through the cave-in.
Step 6: Risk killing the whale because of the shallow waters caused by breaking through the cave-in.

THEY DIDN’T SHOW THE WHALE BEING RETURNED TO THE OCEAN. I can only assume there’s now a giant whale carcass stuck in a mine in South Africa now. What a depressing ending.

Health
Ok, I’m not sure where to even start with this. Usually, the Health segment is all of 30 seconds long and is like: “Bananas, yo, eat ‘em.” But this week’s Health is the most bizarre thing I think I’ve ever seen on Super Friends and you know that’s saying a lot.

Superman is flying over the forest and sees this:

Just your standard young child being chased by a bear. This of course had no affect on me as the children of the Super Friends universe are rarely not being menaced by wild animals.

The kid, casually glancing behind him, sees the bear catching up and says, “Uh oh! I better get movin’!” As if he’s late for soccer practice. Again, not too terribly strange considering the source.

This is where the mushrooms must have really kicked in during the writer’s meeting. Superman swoops down and rescues the boy.

And, just because it’s too good not to share all of it, here’s the dialog:

Boy: Gee, thanks, Superman! I can usually run a lot faster than that!
Superman: Here’s the reason you’re not at your best this morning – you skipped breakfast!
Boy: Gee, how’d ya know!?
Superman: When you skip meals, you don’t give your body fuel to run on.
Boy: I didn’t know that. From now on there won’t be any fuel shortage for my body.

THE END.

That’s it. THAT’S IT. Boys and girls, the only reason you wouldn’t be able to OUTRUN A FUCKING BEAR is because you didn’t eat your breakfast.

And I thought setting kids up for stitches was bad.