Author: Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

New Year’s Resolution: Be More Helpful

This morning I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 8:25. “Oh no!” I thought to myself, Tom’s going to be late for work. So I did my wifely duty and woke him up.

Me: Hey, it’s 8:25
Tom: Ok.
Me: Did you remember to set your alarm?
Tom: Yes.
Me: Ok.
Tom: Ok.
Me: Ok.
Tom: I’m not working today.

That means it’s a movie and dog walking day! Which means that instead of a real post, I’m putting up more pictures from my Barbie doll trunk. Just like my husband not realizing he needed my help waking him up, you didn’t realize you needed to look at pictures of old dolls, but here I am. I’m a giver like that.

Pictures taken of dolls found as is, or as was, circa early 1990s.

This is a Jem doll, with a sensible bob hairdo, modified from her original 80s rock star hair. So now she can rock out or answer the phones and notarize documents. I was helpful even as a child. She's squeezed into a barbie dress, which means you get a show up in the boobage area.
MEGA BUNS!
She's a Barbie and a Swiffer!
Uh, this Barbie has a cumberbun wrapped around her neck, over her hair. This is either the beginning of a major trend, or someone's been caught getting kinky with Kenbie.

You’re welcome, everyone!

Meet Kenbie, or Barben. Either name is fine with shim.

My sister and I had lots of Barbies. I got a Ken one year for Christmas. One Ken, with one outfit – black “leather” pants and a white and black cowboy shirt.

For awhile, Ken was the star of his very own Big Love show. He had his choice of the available ladies and he had his way with all of them, I’m sure. But, eventually, Ken broke (probably because of the strain put on his body by a half a dozen horny, busty, career women).

Personally, I would have always chosen a new Barbie over wasting a “gift spot” on another Ken. My sister must have felt the same way, because we never had another Ken. But, Barbie has needs. What’s a girl to do? There was no more Ken, but his one outfit remained.

Enter Kenbie – an old Barbie given a make-under manly haircut, dressed in Ken’s old outfit, and burdened with the task of being the new sheriff in town. She did a fine job until the outfit eventually disintegrated.

This is the outfit she was found wearing when I opened the old Barbie Doll trunk, a 20 year old time capsule.

 

After that, Kenbie was free to truly be shimself – living and keeping on keeping on, dressing in whatever clothes suited shim and courting, well, it was still just all Barbies to choose from, and eventually a Jem.

And, I’m proud to say that my other Barbies never hassled Kenbie for his/her lifestyle choices.

This post is brought to you by Staying at My Mom’s House. Staying at My Mom’s House gives you exclusive access to my old Barbie gender bending experiments.

A Cold is Coming. Set the Place on Fire!

You know what’s strange about catching a simple cold? The fact that my body tries its hardest to convince the germs that it’s a bad real estate investment – too much of a fixer-upper to bother staying. And, of course, every single time, the cold decides it’s too good a deal to pass up.

What this means is that I actually feel worse when my body is fighting it off than when it gives up and lets the cold run its course. That’s not true when I catch something truly shitty like the flu or strep throat, but a simple cold leads to what seems like an overreacting freak-out.

Simple Cold Germs: Can we stay here a couple of days?

My body: Set the place on fire!

SCG: Seriously, it’s just three days or so.. Maybe a runny nose, some fatigue, but for the most part, you’ll still be funcional.

My body: NO! Antibodies – start rapidly stabbing the throat and neck area, everyone to the lower back – jump up and down on the spine, alternate rapidly between freezing and burning up. Make this place unhospitable!

SCG: You guys, there’s no need to do all this, we just need to crash a couple of days, it won’t be that bad.

My body: Turn her inside out! Make her feel like she’s going to have to be replaced with bionic parts!

SCG: How can a female body be such a dick hole? Why won’t you just let us hang out? We’ll leave when we find a new place.

My body: Ugh…so…tired…from…overreacting…don’t have a choice…must let cold stay.

SCG: Why? Why was that so hard? Now she’ll feel sick for five days instead of three. Where’s your bathroom?

My body: Up in the face near the nose.

I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. No, I didn’t study Biology, I majored in English, why do you ask?