Author: Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

A Trip to the Zoo

A couple of weeks ago, on Tom’s birthday, we thought we’d go to The North Carolina Zoo. We love this zoo. You have to do a lot of walking because the animals have such large areas to live. That’s a good reason to have to walk a lot. While you may not see every animal, there’s always something fun to see, depending on who’s out and about. If I lived in a zoo I would be a very boring exhibit. I would wander out for orange slices and frozen fruit treats and then go back to my far corner. I base this on my behavior in office environments and at parties.

When we woke up that day, it was pouring rain. We took a risk and decided to go anyway because the zoo is an hour and a half away and we hoped maybe the weather would be a little different by the time we got there. Also, we don’t really like other people and thought perhaps there would be less of them there on a rainy day.

It turned out to be a very nice visit. There weren’t many people and the rain was manageable. Here’s what we saw:

I do not believe that the alligators in zoos are the same alligators in the wild. This is all I’ve ever seen an alligator do in real life. I know I’m lucky that I haven’t seen one do anything else outside of a zoo, I do understand that. I think I saw one move a leg once and it was a big event for me.

I’m surprised at how dominant turtle DNA is.

I love silverback gorillas. They are just the best. The thing I particularly love about them is that they love to do this – sit in plain view with their back to everyone. There’s just something about that particular approach to being stared at all day I truly respect.

This sign says “BB&T Chimpanzee Reserve.” We couldn’t help but come up with related slogans – “Just as the majestic and mighty chimpanzee flings it’s poo, we fling the best rates around at you.”

YES. Someday, if I ever get to be the eccentric billionaire that I hope to be, I’m totally getting a dung beetle statue.

Our last stop for the day was the otters. Otters are wonderful. At first, when we walked up, we didn’t see them and figured they were snuggled up napping under some rock or something. But then they saw us and hopped right into the water and started swimming around as if it was their job to entertain us. Oh, it was adorable. And then they started doing it. And then things got kind of awkward. So, we bid the fornicating otters adieu and went on our way.

It was a great day. Then, we got home and I gave Tom a book he already had for his birthday because I’m awesome.

The end.

The All-New Super Friends Roundup: S2 Ep6D – “Flood of Diamonds”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 6, Storyline D – “Flood of Diamonds”

Original Airdate – October 1977

Short Synopsis: Flood of diamonds? That sounds like a problem we’d all like to have, am I right? Am I right?

Anyway, “[something something], South Africa, home of the world’s richest diamond mines…” – Narrator

We see miners mining:

There’s a cave in, and then for some reason, the cave starts to flood.

Meanwhile, at Justice League Headquarters
“Green Lantern and I will take care of it!” Aquaman volunteers Green Lantern, forcing Green Lantern to have to hang out with Aquaman.

Aquaman and Green Lantern to the rescue.
When they get there, they find they have to swim underwater to the miners. Green Lantern’s ring forms an air bubble for him to swim around in.

Then, they strut and strategize, or “strutagize” as I like to call it because I’m all about efficiency.


Because a straight forward rescue is never enough.
We find out two of the workers (one played by Willem Dafoe somehow) are planning on stealing some of the diamonds for their troubles.

They become worried because they think Aquaman and Green Lantern will save them all before they hide the diamonds. First of all, why would they think Aquaman and Green Lantern would save them quickly? That’s not how the Super Friends roll. And secondly, how long does it take to shove some diamonds up your butt?

So, they decide to make themselves harder to rescue by letting loose some kind of giant drill. Then, when it does what it’s supposed to – knocks a support beam down and makes it harder to rescue them – suddenly they’re all upset about it. I feel a lesson coming on!

The Stupedist Plan Ever
Aquaman and Green Lantern think this new snag means there won’t be time to save them. This is the first thing that comes to Aquaman’s mind and they go with it. This is an actual quote:

Green Lantern replies, “Let’s give it a try!” So, Green Lantern is as dumb as the rest of them. Good to know.

“Later, off the coast of South Africa.” – Narrator
Oh yeah, I can definitely see how this is the quickest and best way to save everyone.

Step 1: Summon whale with your aquatic telepathic powers.
Step 2: Create whale transport vehicle out of your magic green lantern ring

Step 3: Fly giant whale to flooded cave.
Step 4: “guide the whale through the mine.”

Step 5: Have the whale ram through the cave-in.
Step 6: Risk killing the whale because of the shallow waters caused by breaking through the cave-in.

THEY DIDN’T SHOW THE WHALE BEING RETURNED TO THE OCEAN. I can only assume there’s now a giant whale carcass stuck in a mine in South Africa now. What a depressing ending.

Health
Ok, I’m not sure where to even start with this. Usually, the Health segment is all of 30 seconds long and is like: “Bananas, yo, eat ‘em.” But this week’s Health is the most bizarre thing I think I’ve ever seen on Super Friends and you know that’s saying a lot.

Superman is flying over the forest and sees this:

Just your standard young child being chased by a bear. This of course had no affect on me as the children of the Super Friends universe are rarely not being menaced by wild animals.

The kid, casually glancing behind him, sees the bear catching up and says, “Uh oh! I better get movin’!” As if he’s late for soccer practice. Again, not too terribly strange considering the source.

This is where the mushrooms must have really kicked in during the writer’s meeting. Superman swoops down and rescues the boy.

And, just because it’s too good not to share all of it, here’s the dialog:

Boy: Gee, thanks, Superman! I can usually run a lot faster than that!
Superman: Here’s the reason you’re not at your best this morning – you skipped breakfast!
Boy: Gee, how’d ya know!?
Superman: When you skip meals, you don’t give your body fuel to run on.
Boy: I didn’t know that. From now on there won’t be any fuel shortage for my body.

THE END.

That’s it. THAT’S IT. Boys and girls, the only reason you wouldn’t be able to OUTRUN A FUCKING BEAR is because you didn’t eat your breakfast.

And I thought setting kids up for stitches was bad.

 

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

How to not do a magic trick: a complete guide.

On Saturday, I posted my weekly Super Friends post. You can see it here. In it, I spell out a magic trick that Wonder Woman did on the show. As soon as I saw it, I thought, “there’s no way a kid is going to be able to do this and I also see stitches in their future.” I was really curious about this trick because these are the types of things I latch on to rather than things like making the world a better place.

I figured it would be entertaining enough to try it out myself. And, to truly illustrate what I thought would be a magic disaster, I decided to tape it. Guess what!? It’s completely out of focus. I would make some terrible magic pun like “hocus focus” but I don’t know what to do with it. I made an out-of-focus video and that’s all there is to say. I tested it first, and the test was in-focus. I would have re-filmed it, but, as you’ll see, I set myself up so that I couldn’t re-film it.

I like to think of it as carrying on the crappy production values of the Super Friends. If you can stand to watch an out of focus magic-less trick, here it is:

Surprisingly, the glass didn’t actually break. I wondered if I could even get it to balance empty. So I tried and and it worked:

For three whole seconds. Right after I took the picture, this happened:

You see that, Wonder Woman? How many cuts, scratches, missing eyes and fingers are on your bullet-proof tiara-d head?

Lesson? It is a lot easier to make things work if you’re drawing it than if you’re actually doing it.

The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep6 – Extra Segments

Season 2, Episode 6 – Extra Segments

Original Airdate: October 15, 1977

Last week’s time travel story was so juicy and chock-full of Super Friendsness that I couldn’t squeeze in the code word. So, here are the segments from the rest of this episode:

De-coder I
Robin and Batman are scaffolding down a mountain. Robin asks if they have to do that as it is tiring (and probably doesn’t want to spend any more time with Batman). Batman informs him, “Yes, Robin, and it’s also a good workout!” Batman, ever the fitness nut.

They find a cave, which, if based on their dialog, they completely didn’t intend to find. Robin wants to go explore the cave, and Batman says before they do that (I don’t want to know what they do while they explore deep dark caves), they should reveal the first clue. “The name of this place is the first part of the codeword!” hints Batman. You mean, the damn cave, the thing y’all have been talking about by name? Super heroes are the absolute worst fucking clue givers ever.

De-coder II
While in the cave, this poor woman runs across Batman and Robin:

She asks what they’re doing and since this is a kid’s show they tell her that they are “setting the stage” for the de-coder clues. They repeat the first clue and then tell us the second clue is “the opposite of woman.”

She asks to guess the code word and Batman is all, “no, stupid, that gets a whole other segment” (paraphrased). And then Robin says the best thing ever, “maybe we’ll run into to one of our clues,” because obviously there isn’t an opposite of woman among the three of them.

De-Coder Solution
A nice point and the reveal of the entirely-not-in-any-way secret codeword.

Magic Parts I and II
Wonder Woman’s gonna teach us a card trick! Here’s the steps:

1. Shuffle the deck.
2. “Fill an ordinary drinking glass with water” (you can actually fill a fancy drinking glass with Sunkist if you want – I don’t see any reason she’s being so specific)
3. Pick a card from the deck and balance the glass on the card.

4. “Abracadabra abracadall, stay on the card without a fall!”
5. Feel embarrassed for Wonder Woman

How did she do it? She prepared a card by taping a half of another card to the back, so that you can make a little stand for the glass (you’re supposed to keep this card at the bottom of the deck as you shuffle):

So go on, ruin a deck of cards, kids! I’m sure none of you will get in trouble with your drunk dad when he and his buddies try and play poker later.

“With a little practice, you can be a Super Friends magician!” – Wonder Woman

Personally I think you could do it with no practice.

P.S. I’m posting Super Friends outtakes on the Cannibalistic Nerd Facebook page. So, if you need a mid-week Super Friends pick-me-up, that’s the place to get it.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.