April 2013 – Cannibalistic Nerd

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12 – “Forbidden Power”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12, Storyline A – “Forbidden Power”

Original Airdate – November 19, 1977

Synopsis: “High atop a mountain stands the observatory of Professor Zarkoff (my spelling guess), who has just stumbled upon an amaaazing secret!” – Narrator

First of all, Professor Zakoff has what looks to be five albino leeches on his face:

Maybe they’re for some other experiment that isn’t relevant to this plot.

THIS plot is about a “projectile” Professor Z has been studying. It looks like a really uncomfortable sex toy to me:

I’ll let the PZ explain: “The projectile is from a giant space vehicle. The message on it asks for help! A computerized device known as ‘The Power’ once regulated the giant space vehicle’s entire environment and population. Something went wrong, and The Power turned it’s energies against it’s artificial world.”

If you say so.

Wait, there’s more! He tells his assistant to look through the “neutron telescope” and lo and behold, it’s that giant space vehicle he won’t shut up about! It looks like a cave drawing of the Death Star:

PZ blathers on about how a whole civilization and environment was once in there but now there’s nothing left. Assistant says they need to notify the scientific community and we all know what that means – overly confidant defiant power hungry professor!

“With my teleport device, I will journey into the space vehicle and find….THE POWER!” and then blah blah about how it can ultimately help Earth.

But hold up, he just casually throws it out there that he has a teleport device, like it’s as common as a keychain or bell bottoms. Maybe the albino leeches have something to do with his ability to teleport? Or thinking that he can?

Anyway, PZ makes his assistant come with him, they “go missing,” and the Super Friends are alerted.

“Holy Whereabouts, we better check it out!” – Robin (actual quote)

“According to the mini bat computer, this teleporter has been activated.” – Batman, at the professor’s lab trying to find out where he went.

Even Batman is unfazed by this teleporter, and he doesn’t even have a Bat Teleporter, which he would totally have if they were readily available.

Batman, Robin, and Wonder Woman mozy on up to the Shmeath Star, where there must not have been much oxygen because the animators couldn’t draw very good:

Then, something wonderful happens. While they’re investigating some mysterious footprints:

Aside from Robin getting pinched, it also looks like perhaps Batman got the vapors. But, you would too if this thing grabbed your boy wonder:

I don’t know what to call this thing but it really does look unpleasant.

The Lobrat lives in a cave and takes Robin there. Batman and Wonder Woman manage to pry him loose and chase away the misunderstood rat-lobster abomination with “Bat Animal Repellent Spray,” which apparently doesn’t exclusively work on bats. They find the Professor and his assistant there as well.

And that was enough to learn a lesson and they all went home.

Of course not, you sillies. PZ doesn’t want to leave yet. He found an “electronic map” that will lead him to The Power (do you think that’s what this song is about?). He then somehow causes a cave in so that the others are trapped and he can find The Power.

PZ presses a button on his electronic map and a recording explains that The Power is “evil,” and so unsafe, they buried it so that it could not harm the world with it’s wrath any longer.

And by “buried,” it looks like about as deep as a cat buries a turd.

Way to hide the evil thing that must never be unearthed, alien race.

It’s gettin’, it’s gettin’, it’s gettin’ kind of hectic.

Unearthing The Power brings these guys out of the wood, or stonework. They look like some common ancestor split off and evolved the Oompa Loompas down one line and then these guys down the other. Evolution is truly amazing.

They speak English, by the way. They say that because he uncovered The Power, he must pay.

A nice, traditional choice. Gets the point across but is also comforting, like a scalding hot bowl of soup.

As Robin, Batman, Wonder Woman, and the assistant look on quietly, Batman says he has a plan. Oh, boy. Yay. A Batman plan. Let me guess – everyone runs out there and they all randomly hope it works out.

Yeah, the big plan is that Batman runs out, cuts PZ loose, and then Wonder Woman lassos the green people. I just think if you’re going to proclaim you have a plan, it should be more impressive than that. Like, if they rode in on a trio of Lobrats – that would be a plan.

Finally, finally, The Professor has learned his lesson. Mutant awful lobster-rat monster takes you prisoner to eat later = no lesson learned. Mutant, reasonable bipedal beings dispensing justice via lava = leason learned. Good to know.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Neighbors

The Friday before the Monday we were to officially move into our new house, Tom and I stopped by to drop off some stuff and check the mail. As I was standing at the mailbox I heard, “When are y’all moving in?”

It was our soon-to-be across the street neighbor. He crossed the street to introduce himself, and, literally right after learning his name, the next thing he said was, “I sure hope you aren’t like the people that lived there before.”

Ooooh! Serial killers? Public fornicators? Loud parties till the break of dawn every night?

“I think in the last year he said ‘hi’ to me or waved a total of three times.”

Shit.

Personally, I think it’s a bad sign when the first thing someone says is they hope you aren’t like the person that preceded you – it’s judgmental and presumptive. I’m learning that you are negatively judging someone else – that’s the first information I’m learning about you, and you either expect us to behave differently or are ultimately pre-judging us if we’re the same way.

Tom and I are both introverts. We like to keep to ourselves, don’t like people in our business, and are not avid chit chatters. We are approachable and pleasant, but we are not the types to strike up a conversation, while, say, you’re doing yard work because you’re doing yard work and we don’t want to interrupt you. By definition, we find social interactions with people, particularly semi-strangers, to be draining. WE CAN’T HELP IT.

In addition, our new next door neighbor described the previous residents as “unapproachable” after asking us if he could pay to move our air conditioning units to the other side of our house (he had literally only had one brief conversation with us previously and we had only been in our house less than a week before he made this proposal). He also explained that The Unapproachables had a lawn service (so they were never outside to be available to chit chat with, I assume), and that at first it was a wife, husband, and daughter, but then they got a divorce and blah, blah, blah…

Maybe it’s just me, but knowing that I have a neighbor that will ask an outrageous favor/request within a week of us moving in (seriously, that would involve moving around duct work and shit), and knowing that while the neighbors were “unapproachable,” he still seemed to know plenty of their business and was happy to share it with us, makes me understand why perhaps they were unapproachable.

I’m not writing about this to bitch about the neighbors (even though I clearly am), I’m writing this as an example of how extroverts sometimes portray introverts. It really did sadden me to hear someone wish we weren’t like the other people only to find out the other people were just private and kept to themselves. They kept their yard nice, they weren’t a noise nuisance (except for their air conditioning, which is just as noisy as any other air conditioning anywhere else), they waved back if waved to, they just weren’t outgoing. And you know what? It’s OK if you aren’t outgoing.

It’s obviously not ok to be a giant rude dickweed who spreads jerkageddon everywhere one goes, but keeping to yourself is not the same as being a bad or wrong person. It also doesn’t mean that you hate other people. Hasn’t anyone read To Kill a Mockingbird or even seen Home Alone? That weirdo loner could leave you presents or save you from two cartoon-like burglars some day. I’m not saying I’m going to do that but it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility.

So, we face the choice of forcing it – being something we’re not – or just keep being who we are and not let it get to us. When I think about those two choices I also think about something else the across-the-street neighbor said – “I’ve never seen the inside of that house, they hardly ever had their blinds open.”

Yeah, I’m thinking that the problem wasn’t the previous homeowners. I’ll try and remember that if the guilt of not being constantly available for chatting starts to gnaw at me.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11 – “Attack of the Killer Bees”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11, Storyline D – “Attack of the Killer Bees”

Original Airdate – November 12, 1977

Craft Segment

Batman and Robin show us how to make a “two way phone.” After arriving home at Wayne Manor following an afternoon of crime fighting or something, Batman and Robin find an already-set-up craft station. Huh?

I think we’re all aware of the shitty two-cups-tied-together “phone” craft so I’ll spare the details.

Short Synopsis: “The vast plains of Africa, where wild animals and man live together in peaceful coexistence.” – Narrator

Unfortunately, a fence can’t keep out a swarm of killer bees. This swarm chases people from a distant crop into the village and into a hut.

Aquaman and Samurai are “near Africa.”

Yes, they are “near Africa.” And we wonder why so many people think Africa is a country.

Aquaman says that they have to hurry, and tells Samurai, “I’ll meet you in Africa.” COME ON.

Aquaman swims to Africa, and as we’ve previously learned, Samurai can turn into wind, so he winds there, or blows there, or breezes there, or whatever.

A plan’s just not a plan without a breach of personal space.

I had a very hard time paying attention to the plan Aquaman and Samurai came up with because this is how they were standing while they were planning:

Is he sitting in Aquaman’s lap? What is going on here? They were on a cliff overlooking “Africa,” watching the bees swarm around the hut, so that’s why they’re both facing the same way, but the closeness, the closeness…

Anyway, the plan is for Samurai to anger the bees in wind form, lead them to “the river,” where Aquaman will be waiting, and then he’ll lead the swarm into a net that’s tied between two trees overlooking a waterfall with sharp rocks at the bottom. Aquaman hoped aloud that when he dives over, that he makes it past the rocks and then I hoped that he wouldn’t.

The net, if this were real life (a real life where superheroes exist), would have led to the death of Aquaman if Aquaman is not impervious to bee stings:

Oh, wait, I stand corrected. Apparently killer bees are the size of small birds:

I’m learning so much about bees! Did you know they also “chew” through huts to get at villagers? It’s true!

Somehow this stupid plan works.

The bees are then “taken far back into the back country where they will cause no harm.”

And the small African village of Africa is safe again. Hooray!

Health Segment

A girl flying a kite at the park trips and falls and scrapes her elbow. Aquaman emerges from a nearby pool to help administer first aid.

Y’all, I think Aquaman may be homeless and he stays in this same swimming pool when he’s not on duty.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

I can only hope…

I hope when my lady friends and I get into a major brawl with some dudes that we have as much fun as Charlie’s Angels are having on this lunchbox:

Even the one that’s tied to a post seems to be enjoying herself.

Kate Jackson looks like she’s thinking about the ice cream she’s going to treat herself to after she finishes casually flinging that grown man across the room. And look at the form of that head-knee chop – exquisite! Jaclyn Smith knows it, too – such a twinkle in her eye.

Personally, I would have probably gleefully swung one of those 2x4s and yelled something like, “I don’t want you to get board!” And then we’d all laugh, and I’d slip in the head wound blood and get my plaid bell bottoms dirty but it wouldn’t matter because it kind of blends in and I know they won’t notice it at the ice cream parlor.

Then, when we got to the ice cream shop, I’d order a banana split and they’d say, “You know who has a banana split-ing headache? That guy you hit with the 2×4!” And we’d laugh again as the sound of the ambulances responding to a call reporting several seriously injured men in a warehouse speed by.

Anyway I hope that’s what happens.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11 – “Exploration Earth”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11, Storyline C – “Exploration Earth”

Original Airdate – November 12, 1977

Short Synopsis: Some big orb in some little town lands and everyone is wondering what it is. All of a sudden, vacuum arms emerge and start sucking up citizens and vehicles.

But before we get into the plot I will discuss Gleek’s bath in depth.

We cut to the Hall of Justice – Gleek is running away from Zan and Jayna. Zan catches him and says it’s time for his weekly bath. He shoves Gleek into a tub:

Jayna then mockingly tells Gleek to “take it like a monkey,” and then…this is hard for me to talk about…then, Zan turns into water and enters the bathtub and Jayna turns into a horse to wash Gleek with her tail.

Why would this happen? Why would they do this? Why would Zan want to bathe a monkey with himself? How clean can you possibly get that close to a horse’s ass? I would question why Gleek is still dressed but that would have only made the whole thing worse.

“Looks like Gleek is squeaky clean,” exclaims Aquaman, observing the exact opposite of what has happened.

Now that we all know what happened maybe we can pool our money and go to group therapy together.

Mercifully, the Super Friends are alerted to the people-stealing orb and the plot moves on from this nightmare.

The Bore of the Worlds

As you can see, the invading spacecraft look a lot like the ones from The War of the Worlds, and they scoop people up in similar fashion.

Batman and Robin and Superman try to stop the spacecraft and they all suck at it. Superman discovers that it is partially made from Kryptonite so he can’t even go near it (this is a lie, as you’ll see). Point is, these things are indestructible. Here’s some images of the Super Friends not stopping them:

How embarrassing:

Superman laments that he can’t help because he can’t get near the ship (another lie), so Wonder Woman saves him like it ain’t no thang.

The Crying Game

Ok folks – time to guess, based on the two forms Zan and Jayna take, what the emergency is and how they solve it. Answer at the bottom:

Hint: it involves a kid on a bike.

She’s not bad she was drawn that way.

BAD ANIMATORS! NO!

This is just one example of very poor face animation. Superman looked like a different person in every scene he was in.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

Superman concludes that he must visit the planet the spaceships came from in order to convince them to stop harvesting people. This is a good idea even though their ships have kryptonite in them and they could then render him completely more useless.

There’s all this talk about how big the aliens must be. “They must be 50ft tall!” assumes Aquaman.

Superman arrives at the planet and is greeted via video phone by one of the aliens, who look a lot like Shrek. See the giant doors!? They must be HUGE!

Dulliver’s Travels

Yeah, them things were little.

They secured him with “kryptonite cables,” which means they held him long enough for me to get that screen shot. He then uses his heat vision to cut a beam from the ceiling, which falls, snapping the cables. I’m getting the sense it wasn’t so much the kryptonite as it was Superman likes being tied down, as you would think the kryptonite would keep him from using his heat vision and such.

He then takes a “duplicate lander” back to Earth to stop the first lander. EXCUSE ME? What was all that talk about not being able to get close to the lander because it was made from kryptonite? I’m getting the sense that it wasn’t so much the kryptonite as it was Superman being lazy and not wanting to help Batman.

Stop getting all up in my planet.

Superman arrives with the second lander and then starts a cat fight with the other one.

Superman eventually wins and the aliens are humbled and learn a lesson. zzzzzzzzzz

Wonder Twins “Brainteaser?”

There was a kid on a bike headed straight for the lander. Zan became a glacier to do this:

And then Jayna became the condor to catch him:

I know I’m no superhero, but I suspect that a simple, “hey kid, bike the other way!” may have been just as effective.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Month: April 2013

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12 – “Forbidden Power”

Neighbors

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11 – “Attack of the Killer Bees”

I can only hope…

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11 – “Exploration Earth”

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